Anxiety. Loss. Remembrance.

I remember when we found out we were pregnant, the anxiety covered me like a wool blanket. I knew it was a different pregnancy and things weren't likely to be the same, but that didn't make the anxiety go away. I kept telling myself, we just need to get past 20 weeks, know every things okay and I'll be fine. 20 weeks came and went and that wasn't the case. I was so happy when I was able to start feeling her kick around in my belly. Thought okay we're fine now. I can feel her every things okay. The anxiety was still there. Knowing that just because we got over one hump didn't mean something else couldn't happen... Then I kept telling myself, I just need her here. Once she's out, I can hold her and see her, my anxiety will go away. I was very wrong. It's almost worse.

Today she turns a month and I still have a hard time sleeping without her in my direct view (with my back turned to her bed or me "relaxing" with her in the other room). It's a battle I'm realizing will never go away. It's not just her sleeping either. It's every thing, even feeding. As we hit the month time and I can now start pumping, it scares me more than I ever thought I could be. To have her not connected to me every time is a hard thing for me to come to terms with, which is weird because I didn't have that with Bugs. I need to start coming to terms and start pumping though to get ready for our weekend away to St. Louis. Which is taking everything I have not to back out of. It's one thing to be away from Bugs, she's older. She can call me when she wants to and has so much fun visiting people. Nars on the other hand, not so easy to let my rainbow be away from me in someone else's care.

The heavy shadow seems worse today. It doesn't help much I know I'm not the only one missing my son today. As I reflect on what Trysten would be doing today, especially as Nars progresses in her development. Yes he would be over a year and a month today but seeing the things she's doing makes me realize even more than last year about the things we are missing with him. I guess that's the down side of having a little one so soon after, it's all still so fresh. The worst part though is I know most of Lanesboro is in a state of grieving also. Not for Trysten but for other lost too soon Sons. Today marks the 10th anniversary of Ruen. It's crazy how well I still remember that day. The day we were all back here in Lanesboro and got the news he had passed. Though we knew that's not a funny April Fools, it didn't stop us from hoping it was all a joke. How could such a great guy be taken from us and on a trip with friends. It was too gut wrenching to be real. My heart is also with Bergo's as they lay their 10 year old son to rest. That was one of the hardest day of my life when we picked up Trysten's ashes.