Anxiety. Loss. Remembrance.

I remember when we found out we were pregnant, the anxiety covered me like a wool blanket. I knew it was a different pregnancy and things weren't likely to be the same, but that didn't make the anxiety go away. I kept telling myself, we just need to get past 20 weeks, know every things okay and I'll be fine. 20 weeks came and went and that wasn't the case. I was so happy when I was able to start feeling her kick around in my belly. Thought okay we're fine now. I can feel her every things okay. The anxiety was still there. Knowing that just because we got over one hump didn't mean something else couldn't happen... Then I kept telling myself, I just need her here. Once she's out, I can hold her and see her, my anxiety will go away. I was very wrong. It's almost worse.

Today she turns a month and I still have a hard time sleeping without her in my direct view (with my back turned to her bed or me "relaxing" with her in the other room). It's a battle I'm realizing will never go away. It's not just her sleeping either. It's every thing, even feeding. As we hit the month time and I can now start pumping, it scares me more than I ever thought I could be. To have her not connected to me every time is a hard thing for me to come to terms with, which is weird because I didn't have that with Bugs. I need to start coming to terms and start pumping though to get ready for our weekend away to St. Louis. Which is taking everything I have not to back out of. It's one thing to be away from Bugs, she's older. She can call me when she wants to and has so much fun visiting people. Nars on the other hand, not so easy to let my rainbow be away from me in someone else's care.

The heavy shadow seems worse today. It doesn't help much I know I'm not the only one missing my son today. As I reflect on what Trysten would be doing today, especially as Nars progresses in her development. Yes he would be over a year and a month today but seeing the things she's doing makes me realize even more than last year about the things we are missing with him. I guess that's the down side of having a little one so soon after, it's all still so fresh. The worst part though is I know most of Lanesboro is in a state of grieving also. Not for Trysten but for other lost too soon Sons. Today marks the 10th anniversary of Ruen. It's crazy how well I still remember that day. The day we were all back here in Lanesboro and got the news he had passed. Though we knew that's not a funny April Fools, it didn't stop us from hoping it was all a joke. How could such a great guy be taken from us and on a trip with friends. It was too gut wrenching to be real. My heart is also with Bergo's as they lay their 10 year old son to rest. That was one of the hardest day of my life when we picked up Trysten's ashes.

new chapter in life

Holy moly, these last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. The 25th was Trysten's first birthday. It's crazy to think it's already been a year. The thoughts of how things would be and how he would have grown don't leave my thoughts. By now he would be eating foods, crawling, walking, saying words. Instead all we have are the memories from the few days we had with him and the love for him that will never leave our hearts. It makes me smile though knowing that Bugs remembers him everyday. It's one thing for a mother and father to remember their child but when a young sibling remembers, loves and reminds all around her it's just something a little extra special. Anytime someone asks how many are in her family or that topic somehow gets brought up she says with great conviction, "we have 5 in our family; Daddy, Mommy, Me, Brother and now Sister". It's a joy you really can't explain to hear her speak like that. To remember, love and remind those around her of her brother.



Sunday -



Monday -



Within the next week, we welcomed our little Nars into the world. That Monday when I went in for my doctor appointment he told us it would be within the next 48hrs, he would be very surprised if we were still pregnant by Thursday. So since I was already having contractions since before my appointment we decided to do a little walking and have dinner at Mom's. Things continued to feel the same for most of the evening and slowly lessened a bit but we were afraid we would get heading home or walk in the door and have to turn right around so we decided we would just spend the night at Mom's so if things progressed we only had a 10min drive instead of an hour, which turned out to be a very good idea - an hour drive I probably would have started crying, those roads are just very bumpy. I woke up about 1 am to strong contractions. At first I chalked it up to the same old I've been having all month. I got up walked around, relaxed in bed trying to get a little more sleep before we had to head home for Barry to get to work and Bugs to get to school. Then 5 am hit and they got stronger. Laying in bed was uncomfortable so I got up and roamed the house a bit to see if it was true. I didn't want to rush in since we've had so many false ones before so I held out a bit longer. Went and laid with mom chatting for a bit, went back to my bed to see if I could fall asleep a little longer - cuz if I could then things weren't going... Laying there though they seemed to continue to get stronger so we decided this could be it. Mom stayed home from work to hang out with Bugs so she didn't have to go sit in the cramped room they first put you in and she could relax in case it was false. I knew things were really progressing when Bugs was getting ready and looked at me and told Grandma I looked like I was going to cry and my face was red ;) .
Once we got into the hospital, got setup with the machine and everything we waited...waited to see if the contractions were strong and regular enough. Which doesn't really make sense to me. I understand hooking me up to see how the baby is doing and everything but why don't they check you right away to see if you're dilating or not, but none the less we waited. The contractions weren't monitoring very well because my belly is so small that it doesn't like to register them all the way. What was reading as a 30 was really more like 90. After monitoring for a bit the nurse came and and was like well they are continuing but if you haven't dilated any more (I had been a 2-3 at my appointment) then I could walk around for an hour or so and they could check me again. Great cuz you just reaffirmed my biggest fear for me, that it was just my body playing tricks on me AGAIN. To all of our surprise though she checked me and I was 8cm! Yes! I was ready and baby was ready, we're getting this show on the road :) . They moved me over and we got ready to welcome her into this world.
Now going into this I had really only anticipated Barry, Ang (to photograph), Mom (to tape) and Bugs if she wanted since it wasn't high risk or anything and my delivery room is pretty laid back and it's kind of a cool experience for her to have. Then Ma and Hannah were able to make it down before she arrived and also Grandma and Grandpa... so we had a party :) . Grandma really wanted to be in there, she had seen a grandchild be born and what an awesome thing she can say she also saw a great-grandchild. Not many get to meet their great-grandchild let alone see their 3rd be born. Since Ma and Hannah were able to make it I wanted to share it with them too. It was an amazing time welcoming our little Rainbow into this world. She truly has brought great joy to our lives already. She's now a week old such a joyful bundle that I can hardly put down.

ready to hear her cry

So that may sound odd to most people but it honestly is one thing I'm most looking forward to, hearing her first cry. You're probably thinking "ahhh you're crazy, babies cry all the time". This is true but especially with that first cry it's the sound of health a life. With Trysten we didn't really get a chance of that. He let out a little cry once and that was all we got to hear. I know already it'll be a bittersweet moment and I'll probably ball my eyes out :) ha.

Also I'm ready to hear her cry because that will mean she's no longer shoving on my bladder, sides or ribs :) . Now I love being pregnant and the look of my belly, even though I get non-stop comments.
"Oh how do you look so tiny and cute, I looked like an elephant when I was pregnant" I don't know I just got pregnant and this was how it turned out, take it up with God when ya see him.
"You look so cute, I was a mess" It's called having a good face wash that makes you feel good [DEVONNE], makeup to cover up the crap and 'fake it till you make it'. You see me put together and looking cute but inside really I feel like the hunchback with everything pushing to come out.
I enjoy the fact of being pregnant and what it brings so even though inside I'm in major pain and nauseous most of the day, I don't show it because what's the benefit? It's not going to make me feel any better so why not put on a smile and be excited for what's to come. Even though walking has been my biggest pain I still have to get up and go on with my day. I can't wake up and be like "sorry Bugs my pelvis feels like it's going to break you have to get yourself on the bus" or not get ready and go to work... It's a part of life; you take it, you deal with it and you keep going. So yes even though I love all the joy of being pregnant and people may look at me and think I have it so easy because I don't gain 60lbs, I'm very ready for our little Nars to come.

But first to decide on a darn car seat! Who thought it would be so difficult to pick one out ;)

Any Day Now...

Any day now! Literally. We're at 36 weeks which means she's okay to come any time her little heart is ready to. Which hopefully she at least waits till after Friday since I'll be in the cities taking in some new marketing information. Guess that also means we should finish packing ha. I have Bugs' bags done now just to get the final of my stuff together and Barry's, though his will take like 5 seconds cuz you know he's a guy so he's like "I got underwear and my laptop I'm good" ha.
With things ready to go any time we did want to get out information for the hospital so when she decides to come everyone has the information. We will be at Winona Health (855 Mankato Ave Winona, MN 55987). For those coming from the cities it's Hwy 52 to I-90 to the Winona exit. Those of you in this area...we're guessing you know ha ;).

This is what the building looks like, you will enter the opposite side though (Emergency doors)

Key notes:
* Visiting hours are from 8am-8:30pm
* Visitors are welcome during early labor, I don't mind
* If I can't eat neither can anyone else in my room ;)
* It's a small area (unlike Mayo) so the "family room" is in very close proximity to the delivery rooms and is a pretty good size


Our requests:
* Once she arrives the first hour or so will be just the 4 of us. Time to take it all in and feed her. After that you're welcome to visit.
* We request that people do not post on Facebook or other social media her full name/information. Bugs has dubbed her Nar, or you can refer to her as Baby Churchill. If people ask what her name is we request that you contact them privately. It is just a personal preference that we don't use names but nicknames like Bugs'. We use Trysten's because that's all we have of him.
* Barry would love anyone who brings him McD breakfast haha ;)

After she arrives we will also start figuring out a date to have her Welcome Party and will send out the info ask soon as we know.

We are so blessed and excited to share this amazing time with all of our family and friends. Thank you for all of your support!

Bugs Birthday

With Bugs party coming up we got ready Wednesday by going and getting our nails done, so much fun. We've also decided that's how were going to spend our Mommy and Bugs time. Daddy will be on baby duty and she and I will have relax time.

We had so much fun this weekend with everyone for Bugs birthday party. Things started out a little rocky when we showed up to the hotel, wrong room than no room...but everything worked out. We were able to get situated in two joined poolside rooms. Bugs was so excited to be there did a TON of swimming. We took it easy Friday night. Bugs and Daddy spent some time playing in the pool then we snuggled in just the three of us. Well the snuggling lasted all of till Bugs fell asleep where she then proceeded to kick me out of bed, literally. Then in the morning started getting ready for the fun ahead. A few of her friends from school were able to make it up for swimming and cake. Later her cousins came by to celebrate and swim some more. We did try another pinata...they just don't go as planned for us. Though we do end up getting some good laughs. Auntie Angee and Isa got to spend the night also. It was amazing. A great way to make sure she remembered how special she is to us before things get hectic with her sister coming. Though I know she's excited for her to get here, there will be some getting used to to be had when she comes. It's a change when you're not the only child anymore. :)

Thank you everyone for coming and celebrating!!!

Christmas, What We're Missing and Looking Forward To Come.

The best part of Christmas though, the best gift I could and did receive....from my Dad. He got a cute polar bear ornament and put Trysten's bracelet on the back.

Christmas.... Merry Christmas has come and gone I guess sort of. Christmas day is gone but we still have more to go. This Christmas was an off/odd one. For the first time in like ever I actually planned ahead with my gift getting. Normally I'm frantic on the way to Christmas celebrations trying to pickup gift cards and such. This year though I had almost all gifts done and wrapped before we left the house. I only had to pickup one gift card (because I finally decided which I wanted to get), swap a present because someone had already gotten that same one :) and then Cams chicken because I forgot the ones we bought in the freezer in our rush to get on the road - go me! As far as the "Festive Christmas" feel though...it really wasn't there. We didn't put up like any decorations, no tree (which luckily Bugs wasn't too partial to having one), it started because we didn't know where to put it. We also have boxes all over from cleaning/organizing and with Mable we figured she'd get into it more than the cat ha. It just didn't feel much like Christmas for me. I didn't realize it at first as to why but then sitting in evening service it sunk in...I miss Trysten. Last year I was sitting in the same church holding my growing moving belly, listening to the same story and singing the same songs. This year I should be doing the same but also planning presents for a starting to walk little boy. Enjoying his first Christmas. Christmas with him and Bugs, seeing and waiting for Santa to come. I think what made it harder is seeing all the pictures of other little babies on Facebook getting ready for the Holidays. Though they made me smile and excited for them it also reminded me of what we will always miss. Yes that's a really sad thing to think about but it's also the truth. It's the truth we will never be able to get away from. There's also another truth though...if Trysten were here today there is a likely chance we wouldn't be planning for Bugs' little sister. As weird as that sounds, almost trading one for the other...but maybe God has something planned/thought of. I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened, having two babies that close together but it's also something I've never really planned. I like the thought of my babies having some distance. Now 7 years was a little more than I anticipated...but it is whats in God plan is in his plan and it does excite me a bit. Though she was super excited at 5/6, she's even more excited now. She's going to be an amazing big sister again. Even though Trysten's not here in body, she's still the best big sister to him any mother could ask for. She thinks of him all the time and warms my heart. She's so exited to take care of her little sister. Feed, change, play and everything else. Even with other babies she's a super big sis they may not have. Like with J, she just loves that little girl. She talks all the time about babysitting her and if we say we're going to the cities - "are we going to see J?" :) . Makes me so excited. Two months at most and Bugs is going to be the happiest girl in the world. Holy crap two months!!!

Preannouncement Blogs

6/30Father’s Day we found out we are pregnant again!!! EEK! So excited and terrified at the same time. I’m so excited, why wouldn’t you be. The excitement is in like over drive major. Not only do I want to tell everyone but I also am in major planning mode. I want to get everything setup and ready…I know sounds crazy, I’m only like 5 weeks along. I think though since we didn’t get to with Trysten I have all of those residual excitement/planning that it just adds to this time. The other half of me though is honestly terrified. Not of being pregnant but what could happen. I know, I know….not good to think like that…need to be positive. Yay yay well don’t want to hear it, not that easy. There’s not only the fear that the same thing could happen again but also a million other things… such as any of the other major compilations there is to worry about when first pregnant and haven’t had an ultrasound yet and also the now ever knowing first hand that you don’t know what’s going to happen. We could have a wonderful pregnancy, well a healthy pregnancy – I’m already sick as a dog ha, and for some reason things not work out. Now yes I know these are events that we have no control over and no use I fretting over them because we can’t control them…but those fears are still legit and there. I’m trying my best to keep praying and putting all my faith in God that he will bless us with a healthy baby. Going in though I know whatever time we have with this little bundle we will treasure and are excited.
Now this is not being posted now, and will be later. I’m only 5 weeks….and I honestly don’t want to fully spread the word (even to family) till we know for sure how things are – so like 17-20 weeks. And yes I am going to make my doctor set me up for appointments every week during that time ;) I want to make sure that if it does happen again we know right away so we can be prepared and have a chance to do the things I regret not doing with Trysten. --- I honestly miss him more now than I did before…

8/13/15
I’m now 11 weeks and still trying to shake the sickness. Though it sucks, the nausea all the time, I’m ok with it because I know what’s to come and know that baby is still there. It’s just not fair to others…I’m pretty useless. On the other hand we were going to wait to announce till 17-20 weeks…yeah not really going to work. I’m growing a little faster than I did with Bugs and Trysten, waiting that long will be a little hard to hide it. I have told a few people, you know you just get excited and have to tell someone or you’ll explode but not family yet, well other than Mom (Bugs slipped by accident, and GGHei because they won’t be able to come next Saturday). We are getting super excited though about our announcement party (Aug. 2nd). Really hoping it goes well. Bugs is super excited to have people over to play in the pool. I think I’m most nervous to announce… worried that people won’t be excited but more so give us the “really?” look. Though it is what it is, what God had in the works for us. We said we weren’t going to hinder it (b.c.) but we weren’t going to super try. If God blessed us, he blessed us. I’m so excited but at the same time still waiting for that 16/or so week mark just to make sure baby doesn’t have the same condition as Trysten. Yes I know they say it won’t happen again…but lightning can strike the same place more than once. I don’t want it to seem like I sit home in a corner shaking stressing about it but it is a concern that just reminds myself to enjoy every minute we have incase it’s taken away from us again. From that I will say I’m super excited and this weekend
we’ll hopefully take our announcement picture, exciting!

8/25
Today is six months since Trysten passed. Honestly when it first happened I didn’t think I would make it this far. More so, I knew I would make it “through”, imagining 6 months later was something I just couldn’t see clearly. Being this long without him seemed impossible and still feels like it a little bit. Now looking at it it’s even crazier to think in 6 months/less we will be welcoming another little bundle into our arms. I’m beyond excited and yet terrified. I know Trysten’s kidneys were classified as a by chance happening….but as they say, lightning can strike in one spot more than once. Now yes that probably sounds super skeptical and bad thinking but I think of it more as preparation and reminder to slow down to enjoy every minute. A lot of times when you’re pregnant you think it’s a certain thing. You’re going to grow this baby and things are going to be wonderful and you’re guaranteed to come home with a baby…this isn’t so a lot of the time. I knew before I was even pregnant with Bugs that this is not so. There are many people out there who struggle with infertility or experience miscarriage(s). The bad part is those are both very common and worse is that those aren’t the only thing that could happen. I experienced firsthand when I was younger the high of finding out a baby was growing and then to find out shortly later it didn’t make it, more than once. There are so many things that can happen. Reasons we may never know of why are our babies are taken from us. Even going into labor isn’t a for sure thing as too many have found out. I am so excited to be carrying this bundle, but I am also aware to know that I’m just taking one day and moment at a time. I will be able to fully breath when baby is finally out, in my arms and is healthy. Till then I’ll enjoy my time and growing belly.

10/09
Today we find out…find out what our little bundle is going to be. Well that’s the hopes anyways ha. This is so bitter sweet it’s a little hard to even take in whats happening today. This time a year ago (20weeks) we were going in to see what our little Trysten was going to be. Though we know already that’s not the same situation this time, I requested an ultra sound at 18 to check water levels and kidneys, it doesn’t take away the scared and torn feeling. I’m so excited for this little miracle but it makes me miss Trysten at the same time.
***
We're excited to announce we are having a girl! Bugs is a little disappointed right now..she was hoping for a boy. I think that just goes more with what happened with Trysten but I know as time gets closer and stuff she will come to be excited for a sister. We'll all be happy with whichever, just prayers for a healthy baby. I'm so excited for her to be a "big sister", to actually get to experience it, she's amazing with babies.