Emotional Ride

I have found myself falling into a deeper rut then I think I felt when we first lost Trysten. The struggle of still trying to figure things out, understand the magnitude of losing him and finding ways to still be involved in life. I’ve been hitting the emotional wall a lot lately. That sense that you have to stop what you are doing, throw your hands up, cover your face and just try and breath. The feeling of “what am I even doing right now? I know I’m doing something because I’m moving or sitting at my desk working…but I’m honestly not sure what I’m physically doing.” Just going through the motions unknowingly blindly. I also seem to be more apt to emotional melt downs, and the reasoning’s/emotions behind them all vary. Like Saturday for example I was getting ready for our friend’s wedding and feeling honestly pretty cute  my makeup fell into place just right, I put my extensions in and curled my hair. I was feeling good about myself……………..until I went to find something to wear. Meltdown alert!!! I already know Trysten stretched my stomach out pretty good, and especially pretty low so I still can’t wear my normal pants…but dresses? Come on! Give a girl a break! All of them I was putting on were too tight and ill-fitting. There was nothing I could do but cry. I tried to hold it back seriously telling myself you’re going to have to do your makeup all over again and there is no time…but that lasted like 2 minutes and I just let it go. Just get it out and over with. Meltdown 2 that day was during the wedding. Now this meltdown was a I feel horrible and sad, it was a happy one. The guy was going through his thing talking about the joys and trials of life and going through them together and I couldn’t stop thinking about Trysten, and how amazing Barry was and has been for me through this. Those were good emotions but I didn’t want to be the crazy lady crying hysterically at the wedding, it’s not like it was Jaime getting married or something. Then Kevin had to have this amazing best man speech, which me in my emotional state I was, just sent me over ha.
One of the ladies in our MCDK Angels group posted an article today, What I Wish More People Understood About Losing A Child. I feel like this article pretty much nailed it. This lady went to a support group and the leader started it off with saying “…that dues to belong to the club are more than anyone would ever want to pay.”, he couldn’t be more right. We didn’t ask for this, it’s something that God decided was in his plan for us. It’s something we have to work through and become stronger from. We can’t change that, we can only grow. In the article she shares 5 tips to help support grieving parents. I think she did a great job with picking these. Very straight forward. I like that she put in there, and as number 1, remember our children. For me when talking about kids and such I love talking about Trysten as though he isn’t gone. No I’m not delusional and talk like oh he had this much to eat today, but he was here and I still had a connection with him. He spent 35 weeks in my belly, I got to spend some amazing time with him before he passed. He had his own personality and ways about doing things. I feel honored that I got at least that time with him and love being able to talk about it. Like how much he kept to a routine. Though he was in my belly I could tell what time it was by what he was doing and how he was making me feel. . I also like to remember him for Bugs, and am so happy she loves to remember him. I love the pictures she makes and when she’s explaining what’s going on you’ll get the “this is mom, this is dad, this is Robert and he’s playing with Evan…I’m holding Trysten on the swing…”, or something like that. It melts my heart. I’m really glad she was able to go to the Healing Camp provided by Mayo the other weekend (pictures and such on that to come, as I’ve been pretty spacy I haven’t gotten around to taking pictures of all the amazing things they did.).
On a final/exciting note I was so happy to see Ellie and Jared have their baby, Calvin. So yes I know that they don’t know me or such as this, we are not besties or anything. But when you follow someone on YouTube, it’s like your favorite show on TV, you become invested. You hear what they’re going through, the struggles, the joys. Now yes I will admit I didn’t fallow them from the start, Jaime told me about them a little while back but I like binge watched all of them ha. I was right there bawling with her when she found out she was pregnant the second time (remembering how excited I was), the call from the doc saying they would probably miscarry and all that jazz. But like 3 days ago a beautiful baby boy was born! I bawled and bawled watching the video. I cried with joy remembering Trysten’s birth, I cried that he was gone and I cried in joy for them. That though they were told he probably wouldn’t make it, they are now holding a beautiful baby.

Missing Bugs & Growing Belly

It's crazy how having this little bun in my belly has made me love my Bugs even more, which I didn't think was possible. She was gone at Grandma's all week and it felt like forever. It almost made me cry at night because I missed her so much. I'm so happy to have her home :) She's getting so big these days. I feel like she's grown like 2 years in the last month. I love even more how excited she is for the baby. I pray she gets the chance to be the big sister I know she is so excited to be. I'm not sure there would be a better sister ever. She's pretty prepared and has done it on her own drive. She has practiced diapers, holding and feeding. Planned everything out, where the baby’s stuff is going to go and such. Brings such joy to my heart.

It also brings joy to my heart how much movement is going on in my belly. I am pretty sure baby knew it was a new week Friday (28weeks) because there was a dance party going on in my belly ALL DAY. I love each movement I experience since I know one that it's a great sign for the baby and two I'm taking it in just in case it's the only time I have. I love that the baby is able to move and get stronger...but I could really tell the extra energy it takes from my body. From baby movements and working all day Friday I was so worn out I couldn't even function. I got home and sat down to relax and felt like I took like 5 sleeping pills. Words did not even want to form properly. I am in need of finding some way to extend my energy level. Even today was a lot for my body. Not that I did a lot for extreme energy...but just being up, doing a little shopping and then dinner/gifts at Mom's wore me out. I have been ready to pass out since 6pm but I didn’t want to be the sleepy pregnant loser ha. Oh the trials of a big belly ;)

Family Baking

Sunday afternoon of baking...what more could you ask for? Not much if you ask me! Spent the day at Aunt Barb's with a rolling/hiccuping belly, making pumpkin rolls, frosting and pumpkin pie. It really gave me a second wind on this pregnancy thing. I was really feeling like I was starting all over again. I had like 2 days of that "pregnancy glow" and then started all over. The nausea, exhaustion, hair falling out and all that fun jazz. When I say exhaustion... I mean serious. Be up like 3 hours and ready to take a nap. I made it all day being active, made the drive home without feeling like I was going to fall asleep and even had a some spare energy when we got home to do a little cleaning and write this :) That's like a major improvement from even yesterday. I'm really hoping this continues on! The main thing I've realized from today is that I need to get back to doing things I love. Even if I get exhausted from work and everything else I need to take some time, kind of force myself to do something for myself. Sew something...cook something...read a book...something that takes me out of the rush and pressure of everyday stuff. Enjoy myself again. :)