Emotional Ride

I have found myself falling into a deeper rut then I think I felt when we first lost Trysten. The struggle of still trying to figure things out, understand the magnitude of losing him and finding ways to still be involved in life. I’ve been hitting the emotional wall a lot lately. That sense that you have to stop what you are doing, throw your hands up, cover your face and just try and breath. The feeling of “what am I even doing right now? I know I’m doing something because I’m moving or sitting at my desk working…but I’m honestly not sure what I’m physically doing.” Just going through the motions unknowingly blindly. I also seem to be more apt to emotional melt downs, and the reasoning’s/emotions behind them all vary. Like Saturday for example I was getting ready for our friend’s wedding and feeling honestly pretty cute  my makeup fell into place just right, I put my extensions in and curled my hair. I was feeling good about myself……………..until I went to find something to wear. Meltdown alert!!! I already know Trysten stretched my stomach out pretty good, and especially pretty low so I still can’t wear my normal pants…but dresses? Come on! Give a girl a break! All of them I was putting on were too tight and ill-fitting. There was nothing I could do but cry. I tried to hold it back seriously telling myself you’re going to have to do your makeup all over again and there is no time…but that lasted like 2 minutes and I just let it go. Just get it out and over with. Meltdown 2 that day was during the wedding. Now this meltdown was a I feel horrible and sad, it was a happy one. The guy was going through his thing talking about the joys and trials of life and going through them together and I couldn’t stop thinking about Trysten, and how amazing Barry was and has been for me through this. Those were good emotions but I didn’t want to be the crazy lady crying hysterically at the wedding, it’s not like it was Jaime getting married or something. Then Kevin had to have this amazing best man speech, which me in my emotional state I was, just sent me over ha.
One of the ladies in our MCDK Angels group posted an article today, What I Wish More People Understood About Losing A Child. I feel like this article pretty much nailed it. This lady went to a support group and the leader started it off with saying “…that dues to belong to the club are more than anyone would ever want to pay.”, he couldn’t be more right. We didn’t ask for this, it’s something that God decided was in his plan for us. It’s something we have to work through and become stronger from. We can’t change that, we can only grow. In the article she shares 5 tips to help support grieving parents. I think she did a great job with picking these. Very straight forward. I like that she put in there, and as number 1, remember our children. For me when talking about kids and such I love talking about Trysten as though he isn’t gone. No I’m not delusional and talk like oh he had this much to eat today, but he was here and I still had a connection with him. He spent 35 weeks in my belly, I got to spend some amazing time with him before he passed. He had his own personality and ways about doing things. I feel honored that I got at least that time with him and love being able to talk about it. Like how much he kept to a routine. Though he was in my belly I could tell what time it was by what he was doing and how he was making me feel. . I also like to remember him for Bugs, and am so happy she loves to remember him. I love the pictures she makes and when she’s explaining what’s going on you’ll get the “this is mom, this is dad, this is Robert and he’s playing with Evan…I’m holding Trysten on the swing…”, or something like that. It melts my heart. I’m really glad she was able to go to the Healing Camp provided by Mayo the other weekend (pictures and such on that to come, as I’ve been pretty spacy I haven’t gotten around to taking pictures of all the amazing things they did.).
On a final/exciting note I was so happy to see Ellie and Jared have their baby, Calvin. So yes I know that they don’t know me or such as this, we are not besties or anything. But when you follow someone on YouTube, it’s like your favorite show on TV, you become invested. You hear what they’re going through, the struggles, the joys. Now yes I will admit I didn’t fallow them from the start, Jaime told me about them a little while back but I like binge watched all of them ha. I was right there bawling with her when she found out she was pregnant the second time (remembering how excited I was), the call from the doc saying they would probably miscarry and all that jazz. But like 3 days ago a beautiful baby boy was born! I bawled and bawled watching the video. I cried with joy remembering Trysten’s birth, I cried that he was gone and I cried in joy for them. That though they were told he probably wouldn’t make it, they are now holding a beautiful baby.

Blog. Grief. Tea. Growth.

Today was a day of exploration…on the internet ha. So I started this blog to keep our family updated on the progress of Trysten and since he passed it’s now become an outlet to work through my thoughts and let others know they’re not alone in their struggle. With that I have immersed myself into learning more about blogging and other blogs referencing grief support. Something productive to work through my grief.
Today I have come across a few great websites. Some great and relating stories. One site being Faces Of Loss, doesn’t sound like a good site but it’s filled with stories from men and women who have also suffered a loss of a child. There is comfort that comes with sharing your story and knowing you’re not alone in your feelings & struggles. That there is a community of people working through understanding and living with the emotions like you. A blog post that says it well was “20 things that baby loss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t”. #1 hits it on the spot! You do clearly see the before and after. Your life changes in an instant, it’s not really something you can’t ignore or act like it didn’t happen. #2 makes me laugh, but it’s true. I’m sure we can all think of a few things on our list ;) We all understand it just comes with the struggle to figure out what to say, just doesn’t always come out as well. #3 is for sure. I’ve always checked Bugs breath, since she was a baby, but seem to check now a little more. Sometimes you do feel a little crazy, almost paranoid. Guess every large experience in your life brings on a few new behaviors.
Another site I stumbled upon and am pretty excited about. I came across a tea site. Now if you know me you know I love tea! This especially grew with my pregnancy with Trysten, drank tea even more . There’s nothing a good cup a tea can’t help with. So when I came across Teamotions it stuck my interest and emotion and I had to order some right away. Tea for the emotional well-being. It was breathed with life from the desire to comfort a hurting sister. I am so excited to try it. I ordered the Courage Tea, Plum Spice Rooibos, because even though people tell me how courageous I am…I don’t always feel that way.

Today...A Week

Today...Today our son would have been a week old, but instead he is a week away from our arms. Though I know it's selfish to wish he were here instead of happy and struggle free in heaven but I do. I think the hardest part is knowing what I should be doing right now. Having had Bugs first I know how amazing it is to hold my little wonder. To sooth them when they cry. Even changing dirty diapers, there’s just nothing like it. But since we aren’t able to do that it leaves you feeling quite empty and unfulfilled. It’s like having an idea for a painting in your head but never actually pulling out a paintbrush.

Today instead of being wrapped up in the joy of our son’s daily growth, we picked up his ashes. This wonderful baby that once fit in your arms…now fits in a tiny 2.5” urn. Though in the days that pass it seems to get easier to talk about what happen. You get over the hurt and sadness and bask again in the joy we had when we brought him into this world and got to hold him for a short time. On the flip side it gets a little harder and harder realizing the things we won’t do. The things Bugs won’t be able to teach him. I know it’s no use wondering about the things that could have been, but at the same time it’s hard to just let all that go all at once. It’s a process that you have to daily work at. I feel very blessed to have so much family/friends support with us in this process. I feel most blessed I have an amazing guy next to me to hold my hand and be strong when I’m can’t. Not only was he the best during labor but continues to be during these rough times. Though we’re both hurting and struggling to get through, we find a way to be there for each other and still smile and laugh during this time. I’m also very glad for Bugs and her continued bright, bubbly joy. She has her moments that it hits her Trystens not coming home but for the most she’s pretty amazing. She’s still the best big sister, always conscious of his things and checking what’s going on with them. I had his dog she gave him from the hospital and she was very concerned why it wasn’t still with him. When I explained to her we now had him with us, it was a little odd for her at first but she seemed to understand and was joyed that he was back with us. It’s all a process but one we’re working through together.