It’s surprising how hard it still is for me to go out in public. For someone who was never a big fan of staying home…that’s all I want to do now. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I sit home all day and wallow/hide in a closet. Mainly having time to reflect on our son and enjoy Bugs in a new way. Also getting things done around the house that have been on my list for ages (it’s a slow process, my belly and stuff still bug me, but little things like going through boxes and actually making our home look like a home and not a frat house), doing laundry and even cooking. Yeah that’s right this girl now actually cooks. But going out in public, especially in a small town, just sends my anxiety through the roof. Even going to Crunchys (On The Crunchy Side, which is our favorite) is a task. Every time I hear the door open my panic sets in that it’s going to be someone that knows us and wants to give their condolences. Even more so the grocery store or Kwik Trip…not fun! It’s hard enough to get through a day without wanting to cry let alone going somewhere and having 4 people stop you and remind you. Now I know that sounds horrible and ungrateful… I know all these people care and that’s why they stop you and want to give their condolences. I’m just still working on handling it. Even going to school to pick up Bugs, two weeks later people are still stopping me. I had a lady stop me yesterday and had mentioned she had no idea… Well thank you for your condolences and such but if I may ask how would you have known? I honestly haven’t talked to you in like 2 years and it’s not like we walked up and down the streets screaming about our son’s kidney trouble. I mean honestly. You only know I had a baby because it was in the paper, because I don’t think I even saw you while I was pregnant and it wasn’t on Facebook. It makes you uncomfortable (I know because I can sense the unknowing of what to say) and it makes me uncomfortable, especially when you continue to try and make conversation. Just give me a smile, that’s all that’s needed. Especially from those who I know have kids. I know the pain you’re trying to imagine if it were you who had lost your child. You don’t need to try and explain it. You don’t need to say you’re sorry. Unless you put a curse on me to take my child, it is not your fault to be sorry for. It is a part of life. We lose everyone we love at some point or another, and if we don’t lose them they lose us. We just happen to lose our son a little earlier than most. We’re not alone in this battle though. If you don’t know the pain of losing someone then you’re not really living. Living is to have loved and to feel that pain of lose you have to have loved.
Barry is so much stronger though than I am. I don’t know how he goes to work every day. Now I suppose after you saw everyone things would go back to normal…but I don’t want to see them, and I do mean that in the nicest way possible. I just want to remember the joy of my son and not continue for other people to remind me he’s not here…I’m reminded enough by the quiet emptiness in my house. The overly clean clothes my son won’t have a chance to wear.
“I will hold you in my dreams every night until then. “ Sleepy Hallow
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