Putting My Suitcase Away

Today I finally cleaned out my suitcase, from the hospital. It’s only been sitting there for a month. It wasn’t that it was majorly packed or anything. Like it was going to be a long task to unpack it, I just didn’t want to. There was a sort of cloud over it. Feeling like if I unpacked that would be the last of our time. The end of the chapter. I’m not ready for that. I know that that’s really not the case. Trysten will live with us forever but it feels like if we really close that chapter than its saying goodbye to a little piece of him. Though there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and the joy he brought to all of our lives.

Getting out for some laughs...?

Makeup...helps me look a little more "normal".

Being in public I feel like a clown with a smile painted on. Yes there are times the smiles/laughs are real but a lot of the time it’s hiding the tears being held back.

So Saturday night we went out with some friends (people Barry went to school with). Like I said before getting out is not very easy for me but I have to try if I want to get sort of normal and I knew Barry wanted to go, so we did. It brought me comfort that we were going with Tif and his girlfriend, I feel comfortable with them, so I knew even if things got awkward/hard I could talk to them and try to ignore it. And they know the whole story so if I had a breakdown they know what’s up.
My anxiety started up from the beginning, going out to dinner with everyone. I was just hoping no one brought it up, I wanted to try and be as normal as possible or at least act like it. Good thing was no one brought it up. Made it through dinner... Then we got to the comedy show and that's where it really started to get hard. We met another couple there who just had another baby and people were asking "how's parenthood, again?" Ouch. For me it was just a reminder of what we don't get to do right now :/ But I think I hid it ok that no one realized the tears I was fighting back. Then we went up to the show. It was a great show, some very funny comedians, so funny I had to buy their CDs (Jeff Bodart & Stewart Huff). But in the middle of the show I looked over and saw an old friend. Which was cool because I haven't seen him in a while but also was another stab to the heart because the first thing that came to mind was the pictures of his family welcoming their second baby. I couldn't even bring myself to say hi.

After the show some of us went to get some pie. I mean it was 3/14/15 after all ;).
Honestly this was the hardest part and made me feel extremely fake. So there were 4 couples that went, girls sat at one table and guys at another right next to us. We had some great conversation, which was good for me…but I wasn't sure who all knew about our situation and of course parent/baby talk came up. Two of us have had baby's and the other two had not so when like labor and stuff got brought up, there was obviously a complete difference from Bugs and Trysten, it was hard not to say anything. I just kept referring to Trysten as "this time" :( I didn't want to start crying or make people feel uncomfortable so I didn't want to draw complete attention to the subject that people would ask how he was doing or such but also wanted to join the conversation...I wanted to be involved/normal but it felt so fake at the same time. Then I just felt stupid…my brains still not completely connecting right so I get stuck in mid conversation. I ordered cheese cake and the whole night every time I went to say cheesecake it would not come out. I’m really just still having trouble getting my brain to focus, connect and feel like I can interact with people in a normal sense.

I'm a wreck still some days

Some days are still a wreck. Yesterday….was one of those days. I was a major wreck across the board. It’s good because I know I need it to work through things but it’s not the greatest feeling and makes me feel out of control. My head gets so fogged and headache filled that it’s sometimes hard to even form sentences. It drains all of my energy. I went through the basket of things from the hospital. Getting rid of the papers that we didn’t need and making sure there wasn’t anything we needed to attend to sitting in there. What brought on the tears were the papers of life. His baptism and brief life certificate with his little foot prints. It broke me down. I wanted to touch is wiggling toes, make him giggle. It honestly didn’t help either I was naughty. By naughty I mean I watched two videos I know I shouldn’t have. Before I say this I want to make it known that I am so happy for these people, it’s just extremely hard to hear/watch being where I am. I saw a couple stories/videos of baby miracles. The one that really hit me and kind of really wrecked me for the rest of the day was a story about a baby that was said to have passed but after some chest to chest contact and a miracle from God he started to wake up. Now I feel so wonderful for those people (the boy now 5 years old) and even more so because I would never even think about wishing this pain onto anyone…it’s more so a regret on my side. Even though I know if a miracle was going to happen it would have no matter what we had done, but it’s a small regret that I have that we didn’t give him any real skin to skin contact before he passed. At the time things were happening so fast, emotions were crazy and at the beginning he had the air tube. I also wanted to share him with all of our family over being greedy and keeping him for myself, and I don’t regret that at all. He is loved by so many and it makes me happy they were able to enjoy him while he was with us.
It’s all just a work in progress. I’m so thankful I have such a wonderful guy to work through this with. He knows when I just need some space to deal and strong arms to squeeze around me and let me cry then helps me laugh again. I’m not sure what I would do without him!

Making it in Public

It’s surprising how hard it still is for me to go out in public. For someone who was never a big fan of staying home…that’s all I want to do now. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I sit home all day and wallow/hide in a closet. Mainly having time to reflect on our son and enjoy Bugs in a new way. Also getting things done around the house that have been on my list for ages (it’s a slow process, my belly and stuff still bug me, but little things like going through boxes and actually making our home look like a home and not a frat house), doing laundry and even cooking. Yeah that’s right this girl now actually cooks. But going out in public, especially in a small town, just sends my anxiety through the roof. Even going to Crunchys (On The Crunchy Side, which is our favorite) is a task. Every time I hear the door open my panic sets in that it’s going to be someone that knows us and wants to give their condolences. Even more so the grocery store or Kwik Trip…not fun! It’s hard enough to get through a day without wanting to cry let alone going somewhere and having 4 people stop you and remind you. Now I know that sounds horrible and ungrateful… I know all these people care and that’s why they stop you and want to give their condolences. I’m just still working on handling it. Even going to school to pick up Bugs, two weeks later people are still stopping me. I had a lady stop me yesterday and had mentioned she had no idea… Well thank you for your condolences and such but if I may ask how would you have known? I honestly haven’t talked to you in like 2 years and it’s not like we walked up and down the streets screaming about our son’s kidney trouble. I mean honestly. You only know I had a baby because it was in the paper, because I don’t think I even saw you while I was pregnant and it wasn’t on Facebook. It makes you uncomfortable (I know because I can sense the unknowing of what to say) and it makes me uncomfortable, especially when you continue to try and make conversation. Just give me a smile, that’s all that’s needed. Especially from those who I know have kids. I know the pain you’re trying to imagine if it were you who had lost your child. You don’t need to try and explain it. You don’t need to say you’re sorry. Unless you put a curse on me to take my child, it is not your fault to be sorry for. It is a part of life. We lose everyone we love at some point or another, and if we don’t lose them they lose us. We just happen to lose our son a little earlier than most. We’re not alone in this battle though. If you don’t know the pain of losing someone then you’re not really living. Living is to have loved and to feel that pain of lose you have to have loved.

Barry is so much stronger though than I am. I don’t know how he goes to work every day. Now I suppose after you saw everyone things would go back to normal…but I don’t want to see them, and I do mean that in the nicest way possible. I just want to remember the joy of my son and not continue for other people to remind me he’s not here…I’m reminded enough by the quiet emptiness in my house. The overly clean clothes my son won’t have a chance to wear.

“I will hold you in my dreams every night until then. “ Sleepy Hallow

Grieving and Growing

Though each day is still a struggle I know I am growing and learning more how to love. I daily look at the sign I purchased when my Uncle Jeff suddenly passed, “Today may not be good but there’s something good in every day.”

I find this to be true even more so every day. Like today. Like most days if it were an option I would just stay in bed all day, never leave, but that’s not. Bugs needs to go to school, I need to be there for her and Barry and I also need to take care of myself and not get lost in the grief that tries to overtake me. The good in today already was getting up to take Bugs to school for Books and Breakfast. We spent some time the two of us to have muffins/cinnamon roll and read some books at school. Though there were tons of other people there it felt like it was just us.

After I sent her to class with many kisses and hugs I was off to meet Deb for some coffee and catching up. By catching up I mean hugs, pictures and Deb reminding me of all the wonderful things :) . She said words were spoken to her in that I would be a help to others who are struggling with loss. Though I am still working things out myself I hope this is true (that is why I started this blog, for my grieving process and to help others).
When she left I stayed behind to do some web surfing. My plan was to look at design things…of course as most times surfing I got distracted. I went to send an email, which brought to view all the daily digests of my pregnancy signups. Since my son was born I went through to unsubscribe and then figured I’d change my information on BabyCenter.com…when you remove a pregnancy it pops up with information/sources about losing your baby and honoring a baby who dies. I’m so glad I got distracted. Though I didn’t feel like I needed ‘help’ with how to honor/remember our son, it did validate all the things I am and hope to do. I didn’t know October 15th was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Quote from the site says, "Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss … and to help families live with their loss, not 'get over' their loss." This is too true and what I hope to help others with and what Deb brought up. I said when we first found out I went looking for ‘support’, find out what others had to say about the disease and their story…there wasn’t any. I wanted to put our story out there to hopefully help someone else that may experience this in the future or who has and is looking to know they’re not alone. Like Zapanta said, “…we want to talk about it.” We never will ‘get over’ the loss of our son/brother and I wouldn’t want to. He is a part of our lives even if it isn’t in flesh. We still knew him and loved him, why should we just forget that. I feel most joyful that we were able to have some time with him. We were able to take pictures, hold him and make little mementos, our family tree and our molds. We will always remember that and have that time to look back on. February 25th will always be a special day for our family.

***
Guess I was at the coffee shop a while ;), Deb stopped back for lunch…with a little baby :). When everything first happened I thought for a long time I would have a hard time seeing little babies. That’s luckily not the case. Though it’s not the easiest it still brings a smile to my face and I’m drawn to them. I still want to see their cute little face as they walk by, wrap them up in my arms and take it all in. Babies are so precious it’s just a joy that comes over me. Even though I wish I could hold my little Trysten again, I take in the joy of holding others. All the smiles and noises they make. I guess it’s like getting back on the horse when you fall off…

Sons on my heart:
Held, Natalie Grant
Another Day, Natalie Grant
*** Actually the whole Awaken CD :) I have been drawn to this CD since I first saw her in concert many years ago...but now the message/comfort has changed some.
Better Hands Now, Natalie Grant
*** A new one to me today, but words spoken to my heart.
Be Still & Know - Bridge City