Mother's Day

I'm so proud to be a mother. It's something I have always wanted to be and I was blessed with beautify amazing babies.


I'm also blessed to have my mother. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Bugs. I knew my situation wasn't the most ideal but she was right there with me and just as excited. When others had their doubts that about me having Bugs unmarried at 19, my mom stood by me, supported me and was there to enjoy every part of it with me. She even took me to the hospital, stayed with me and was there to welcome Bugs into the world with me. She was also there for us with Trysten. Got up in the middle of the night, sped to the hospital and was there to document our miracle so everyone could see as much of Trysten as possible. She's pretty great :) *** and yes I'm the favorite ;p


So a month or so ago I started a group on Facebook – MCDK Angels – and I'm so glad I did. Such a strong group of loving women (and a couple men but they haven’t commented at all). I started because I wanted to meet people that were going through the struggles I was. I was part of two MCDK groups that were nice but not what I was looking for. All of the people that were doing any commenting in those groups were people who had questions or comments about their kids living with MCDK. It gave me peace and yet felt like a knife to the eye at the same time. Peace that my son wasn't in that struggle, wasn't dealing with anymore kidney trouble or pain but a knife to the eye that I wasn't able to hold and comfort him anymore. That I won’t get those milestones with him. It just is. With this group though I’ve been able to meet people who are going through the same things I am. The seesaw of emotions. Loving kids but also wanting to burst into tears. We all just have this connection and can be there to empathizes and support one another. Some days are good and some days are not so much but we are able to come together and help each other get through it. Share pictures of our babies and stuggles that may be weighing us down. I think of them daily but they were especially in my heart yesterday on Mother’s Day. The reminders can sting a little bit.
I hope everyone had a joy filled Mother’s Day and was able to smile!

Blog. Grief. Tea. Growth.

Today was a day of exploration…on the internet ha. So I started this blog to keep our family updated on the progress of Trysten and since he passed it’s now become an outlet to work through my thoughts and let others know they’re not alone in their struggle. With that I have immersed myself into learning more about blogging and other blogs referencing grief support. Something productive to work through my grief.
Today I have come across a few great websites. Some great and relating stories. One site being Faces Of Loss, doesn’t sound like a good site but it’s filled with stories from men and women who have also suffered a loss of a child. There is comfort that comes with sharing your story and knowing you’re not alone in your feelings & struggles. That there is a community of people working through understanding and living with the emotions like you. A blog post that says it well was “20 things that baby loss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t”. #1 hits it on the spot! You do clearly see the before and after. Your life changes in an instant, it’s not really something you can’t ignore or act like it didn’t happen. #2 makes me laugh, but it’s true. I’m sure we can all think of a few things on our list ;) We all understand it just comes with the struggle to figure out what to say, just doesn’t always come out as well. #3 is for sure. I’ve always checked Bugs breath, since she was a baby, but seem to check now a little more. Sometimes you do feel a little crazy, almost paranoid. Guess every large experience in your life brings on a few new behaviors.
Another site I stumbled upon and am pretty excited about. I came across a tea site. Now if you know me you know I love tea! This especially grew with my pregnancy with Trysten, drank tea even more . There’s nothing a good cup a tea can’t help with. So when I came across Teamotions it stuck my interest and emotion and I had to order some right away. Tea for the emotional well-being. It was breathed with life from the desire to comfort a hurting sister. I am so excited to try it. I ordered the Courage Tea, Plum Spice Rooibos, because even though people tell me how courageous I am…I don’t always feel that way.

Putting My Suitcase Away

Today I finally cleaned out my suitcase, from the hospital. It’s only been sitting there for a month. It wasn’t that it was majorly packed or anything. Like it was going to be a long task to unpack it, I just didn’t want to. There was a sort of cloud over it. Feeling like if I unpacked that would be the last of our time. The end of the chapter. I’m not ready for that. I know that that’s really not the case. Trysten will live with us forever but it feels like if we really close that chapter than its saying goodbye to a little piece of him. Though there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and the joy he brought to all of our lives.

Getting out for some laughs...?

Makeup...helps me look a little more "normal".

Being in public I feel like a clown with a smile painted on. Yes there are times the smiles/laughs are real but a lot of the time it’s hiding the tears being held back.

So Saturday night we went out with some friends (people Barry went to school with). Like I said before getting out is not very easy for me but I have to try if I want to get sort of normal and I knew Barry wanted to go, so we did. It brought me comfort that we were going with Tif and his girlfriend, I feel comfortable with them, so I knew even if things got awkward/hard I could talk to them and try to ignore it. And they know the whole story so if I had a breakdown they know what’s up.
My anxiety started up from the beginning, going out to dinner with everyone. I was just hoping no one brought it up, I wanted to try and be as normal as possible or at least act like it. Good thing was no one brought it up. Made it through dinner... Then we got to the comedy show and that's where it really started to get hard. We met another couple there who just had another baby and people were asking "how's parenthood, again?" Ouch. For me it was just a reminder of what we don't get to do right now :/ But I think I hid it ok that no one realized the tears I was fighting back. Then we went up to the show. It was a great show, some very funny comedians, so funny I had to buy their CDs (Jeff Bodart & Stewart Huff). But in the middle of the show I looked over and saw an old friend. Which was cool because I haven't seen him in a while but also was another stab to the heart because the first thing that came to mind was the pictures of his family welcoming their second baby. I couldn't even bring myself to say hi.

After the show some of us went to get some pie. I mean it was 3/14/15 after all ;).
Honestly this was the hardest part and made me feel extremely fake. So there were 4 couples that went, girls sat at one table and guys at another right next to us. We had some great conversation, which was good for me…but I wasn't sure who all knew about our situation and of course parent/baby talk came up. Two of us have had baby's and the other two had not so when like labor and stuff got brought up, there was obviously a complete difference from Bugs and Trysten, it was hard not to say anything. I just kept referring to Trysten as "this time" :( I didn't want to start crying or make people feel uncomfortable so I didn't want to draw complete attention to the subject that people would ask how he was doing or such but also wanted to join the conversation...I wanted to be involved/normal but it felt so fake at the same time. Then I just felt stupid…my brains still not completely connecting right so I get stuck in mid conversation. I ordered cheese cake and the whole night every time I went to say cheesecake it would not come out. I’m really just still having trouble getting my brain to focus, connect and feel like I can interact with people in a normal sense.

I'm a wreck still some days

Some days are still a wreck. Yesterday….was one of those days. I was a major wreck across the board. It’s good because I know I need it to work through things but it’s not the greatest feeling and makes me feel out of control. My head gets so fogged and headache filled that it’s sometimes hard to even form sentences. It drains all of my energy. I went through the basket of things from the hospital. Getting rid of the papers that we didn’t need and making sure there wasn’t anything we needed to attend to sitting in there. What brought on the tears were the papers of life. His baptism and brief life certificate with his little foot prints. It broke me down. I wanted to touch is wiggling toes, make him giggle. It honestly didn’t help either I was naughty. By naughty I mean I watched two videos I know I shouldn’t have. Before I say this I want to make it known that I am so happy for these people, it’s just extremely hard to hear/watch being where I am. I saw a couple stories/videos of baby miracles. The one that really hit me and kind of really wrecked me for the rest of the day was a story about a baby that was said to have passed but after some chest to chest contact and a miracle from God he started to wake up. Now I feel so wonderful for those people (the boy now 5 years old) and even more so because I would never even think about wishing this pain onto anyone…it’s more so a regret on my side. Even though I know if a miracle was going to happen it would have no matter what we had done, but it’s a small regret that I have that we didn’t give him any real skin to skin contact before he passed. At the time things were happening so fast, emotions were crazy and at the beginning he had the air tube. I also wanted to share him with all of our family over being greedy and keeping him for myself, and I don’t regret that at all. He is loved by so many and it makes me happy they were able to enjoy him while he was with us.
It’s all just a work in progress. I’m so thankful I have such a wonderful guy to work through this with. He knows when I just need some space to deal and strong arms to squeeze around me and let me cry then helps me laugh again. I’m not sure what I would do without him!

Making it in Public

It’s surprising how hard it still is for me to go out in public. For someone who was never a big fan of staying home…that’s all I want to do now. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I sit home all day and wallow/hide in a closet. Mainly having time to reflect on our son and enjoy Bugs in a new way. Also getting things done around the house that have been on my list for ages (it’s a slow process, my belly and stuff still bug me, but little things like going through boxes and actually making our home look like a home and not a frat house), doing laundry and even cooking. Yeah that’s right this girl now actually cooks. But going out in public, especially in a small town, just sends my anxiety through the roof. Even going to Crunchys (On The Crunchy Side, which is our favorite) is a task. Every time I hear the door open my panic sets in that it’s going to be someone that knows us and wants to give their condolences. Even more so the grocery store or Kwik Trip…not fun! It’s hard enough to get through a day without wanting to cry let alone going somewhere and having 4 people stop you and remind you. Now I know that sounds horrible and ungrateful… I know all these people care and that’s why they stop you and want to give their condolences. I’m just still working on handling it. Even going to school to pick up Bugs, two weeks later people are still stopping me. I had a lady stop me yesterday and had mentioned she had no idea… Well thank you for your condolences and such but if I may ask how would you have known? I honestly haven’t talked to you in like 2 years and it’s not like we walked up and down the streets screaming about our son’s kidney trouble. I mean honestly. You only know I had a baby because it was in the paper, because I don’t think I even saw you while I was pregnant and it wasn’t on Facebook. It makes you uncomfortable (I know because I can sense the unknowing of what to say) and it makes me uncomfortable, especially when you continue to try and make conversation. Just give me a smile, that’s all that’s needed. Especially from those who I know have kids. I know the pain you’re trying to imagine if it were you who had lost your child. You don’t need to try and explain it. You don’t need to say you’re sorry. Unless you put a curse on me to take my child, it is not your fault to be sorry for. It is a part of life. We lose everyone we love at some point or another, and if we don’t lose them they lose us. We just happen to lose our son a little earlier than most. We’re not alone in this battle though. If you don’t know the pain of losing someone then you’re not really living. Living is to have loved and to feel that pain of lose you have to have loved.

Barry is so much stronger though than I am. I don’t know how he goes to work every day. Now I suppose after you saw everyone things would go back to normal…but I don’t want to see them, and I do mean that in the nicest way possible. I just want to remember the joy of my son and not continue for other people to remind me he’s not here…I’m reminded enough by the quiet emptiness in my house. The overly clean clothes my son won’t have a chance to wear.

“I will hold you in my dreams every night until then. “ Sleepy Hallow

Grieving and Growing

Though each day is still a struggle I know I am growing and learning more how to love. I daily look at the sign I purchased when my Uncle Jeff suddenly passed, “Today may not be good but there’s something good in every day.”

I find this to be true even more so every day. Like today. Like most days if it were an option I would just stay in bed all day, never leave, but that’s not. Bugs needs to go to school, I need to be there for her and Barry and I also need to take care of myself and not get lost in the grief that tries to overtake me. The good in today already was getting up to take Bugs to school for Books and Breakfast. We spent some time the two of us to have muffins/cinnamon roll and read some books at school. Though there were tons of other people there it felt like it was just us.

After I sent her to class with many kisses and hugs I was off to meet Deb for some coffee and catching up. By catching up I mean hugs, pictures and Deb reminding me of all the wonderful things :) . She said words were spoken to her in that I would be a help to others who are struggling with loss. Though I am still working things out myself I hope this is true (that is why I started this blog, for my grieving process and to help others).
When she left I stayed behind to do some web surfing. My plan was to look at design things…of course as most times surfing I got distracted. I went to send an email, which brought to view all the daily digests of my pregnancy signups. Since my son was born I went through to unsubscribe and then figured I’d change my information on BabyCenter.com…when you remove a pregnancy it pops up with information/sources about losing your baby and honoring a baby who dies. I’m so glad I got distracted. Though I didn’t feel like I needed ‘help’ with how to honor/remember our son, it did validate all the things I am and hope to do. I didn’t know October 15th was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Quote from the site says, "Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss … and to help families live with their loss, not 'get over' their loss." This is too true and what I hope to help others with and what Deb brought up. I said when we first found out I went looking for ‘support’, find out what others had to say about the disease and their story…there wasn’t any. I wanted to put our story out there to hopefully help someone else that may experience this in the future or who has and is looking to know they’re not alone. Like Zapanta said, “…we want to talk about it.” We never will ‘get over’ the loss of our son/brother and I wouldn’t want to. He is a part of our lives even if it isn’t in flesh. We still knew him and loved him, why should we just forget that. I feel most joyful that we were able to have some time with him. We were able to take pictures, hold him and make little mementos, our family tree and our molds. We will always remember that and have that time to look back on. February 25th will always be a special day for our family.

***
Guess I was at the coffee shop a while ;), Deb stopped back for lunch…with a little baby :). When everything first happened I thought for a long time I would have a hard time seeing little babies. That’s luckily not the case. Though it’s not the easiest it still brings a smile to my face and I’m drawn to them. I still want to see their cute little face as they walk by, wrap them up in my arms and take it all in. Babies are so precious it’s just a joy that comes over me. Even though I wish I could hold my little Trysten again, I take in the joy of holding others. All the smiles and noises they make. I guess it’s like getting back on the horse when you fall off…

Sons on my heart:
Held, Natalie Grant
Another Day, Natalie Grant
*** Actually the whole Awaken CD :) I have been drawn to this CD since I first saw her in concert many years ago...but now the message/comfort has changed some.
Better Hands Now, Natalie Grant
*** A new one to me today, but words spoken to my heart.
Be Still & Know - Bridge City

Today...A Week

Today...Today our son would have been a week old, but instead he is a week away from our arms. Though I know it's selfish to wish he were here instead of happy and struggle free in heaven but I do. I think the hardest part is knowing what I should be doing right now. Having had Bugs first I know how amazing it is to hold my little wonder. To sooth them when they cry. Even changing dirty diapers, there’s just nothing like it. But since we aren’t able to do that it leaves you feeling quite empty and unfulfilled. It’s like having an idea for a painting in your head but never actually pulling out a paintbrush.

Today instead of being wrapped up in the joy of our son’s daily growth, we picked up his ashes. This wonderful baby that once fit in your arms…now fits in a tiny 2.5” urn. Though in the days that pass it seems to get easier to talk about what happen. You get over the hurt and sadness and bask again in the joy we had when we brought him into this world and got to hold him for a short time. On the flip side it gets a little harder and harder realizing the things we won’t do. The things Bugs won’t be able to teach him. I know it’s no use wondering about the things that could have been, but at the same time it’s hard to just let all that go all at once. It’s a process that you have to daily work at. I feel very blessed to have so much family/friends support with us in this process. I feel most blessed I have an amazing guy next to me to hold my hand and be strong when I’m can’t. Not only was he the best during labor but continues to be during these rough times. Though we’re both hurting and struggling to get through, we find a way to be there for each other and still smile and laugh during this time. I’m also very glad for Bugs and her continued bright, bubbly joy. She has her moments that it hits her Trystens not coming home but for the most she’s pretty amazing. She’s still the best big sister, always conscious of his things and checking what’s going on with them. I had his dog she gave him from the hospital and she was very concerned why it wasn’t still with him. When I explained to her we now had him with us, it was a little odd for her at first but she seemed to understand and was joyed that he was back with us. It’s all a process but one we’re working through together.

Our Son, A Month Early

So there's a lot to update since the last time I actually blogged. I had started on one that was going through all the things I had done over my birthday weekend (Feb 22nd). It was quite a lot. I hadn't even realized how much till Sunday night when my body wasn't happy with me. From not sleeping a whole ton from baby kicks starting Thursday night then going out to eat Friday night out to dinner. Which from here doesn't seem like much...then we hit Saturday, where I got up early (well for a Saturday) and started cleaning, then Mom came over to help me manage Bugs room (it was bad ha) - we got rid of 2 boxes full of stuff. Then we went out for lunch. When we got back I figured I should take a nap before the night, that lasted like maybe an hour, then it was to get ready for my birthday dinner. I think what really set it off was sitting and playing Cards Against Humanity for 5 hours on wooden chairs. Add about 3 hours of sleep to that, breakfast, standing and chatting for 1.5hr. I know looking back "you idiot"... but it all just happened then the rest of Sunday was driving. 

 By Sunday evening I was feeling pretty sick & nauseous/trouble breathing/sharp pain in my shoulder/headache and then about 11 or so I finally puked and made Barry take me to the ER… (after calling the doc and talking to a friend that is a nurse and who just had a baby that dealt with kind of the same thing – she was in labor) They did a few tests, gave me some Maylox to see if it was acid reflex. Didn’t really do much for me but by that time they said if it didn’t they were talking about doing like a CT scan to check for a clot… I just wasn’t up for that. Barry and I were so tired, it was like 2am. They did do an EKG thing and that looked fine, baby’s heart rate was good, my blood pressure and oxygen was good so I’m like I think it was just pressure from the baby. Which the baby was very active, probably from me being so active he was like hey quit that… even though when I was “relaxing” baby was still wiggling a bunch – reasoning of not sleeping much for the last few days. As I was laying there I could feel my chest kind of tense up when a “contraction” would happen so I think baby was just moving so much and since there's no water all of it feels like contractions if he rolls and it all just settled/settling in my chest. It was mainly the shoulder pain and nausea that was buggin me since it wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. The I ate and drank water/sprite for the nausea and barry tried to massage my shoulder like 4 times and that didn’t fix it.

 Everything seemed normal Monday...then Tuesday! I was awaken at 5:30am with cramping, by the time I got up and headed to work it was still going on but all over the place. I tried to keep track of them (yay for apps) and they were very sporadic. So I kept on my day. Made it through work then headed to dance class with Bugs. By the time we got home and I had a chance to lay down they were getting stronger. When I put Bugs to bed they were pretty strong but still sporadic. I figured it was like Sunday again, when you look up all the stuff on when to go to the doctor it says 60sec long, 5 minutes apart. Well mine varied from 30 sec to 1.15 every 7-11min --- come to find later it's not about the time it's about the intensity! whaaaaaaa it should say that online ha. Now if you ask why I didn't know before, I was induced with Bugs and had the epidural pretty soon (back issues and labor don't mix). So I went on with the night...tired to lay down and sleep some, then it happened......Bugs got sick. I jumped up to help her and BAM it all started to roll. Think I had like 3 contractions while standing there with her puking. Took care of her, got her situated and then went in and told Barry, it was time to roll out - good thing we had just finished packing literally that night. Barry jumped in the shower quick, got Bugs ready to go and bags to the door and were on our way. Called Mom told her to get up there. By the time we got up there the contractions were getting pretty fierce. They put me in a starter room to get my vitals and check how far I was... I was 4cm. She said they were going to move us to a labor room and I was like could you have an epidural waiting for me there :) Even though I was doing good they were getting stronger and it was starting to feel like my spine was going to explode out. Which only increased the stronger my contractions went. Barry laughed at me because the last few contractions I was like "oh shit...oh craps..." might have thrown the 'f' out a few times ;) it helped me keep breathing. You can't talk without breathing and I didn't have to remind myself :) Almost made Barry pass out with my hand squeezing ha. - you know how you always see in videos/such the ladies yelling at their guy "I hate you! You did this to me!" Even though I was in pain pretty good, at no time did those thoughts ever cross my mind. I think I even said "I love you". I was just so happy to be there, be meeting our baby.-  

But I got the epidural just in time. They gave me a local also I think which was very helpful, I was ready for a nap after ha. Then the doc came in...checked me and I was 9cm and ready to head to the push room, we were in a different room that was right next to the NICU room. 

Some laughs and a little pushing and our precious baby boy was born. They took him to the next room to get started... Barry and Ang went with him, Mom and I soon to follow when they cleaned up. By the time they wheeled me in he was all hooked up to the machines, they were doing their tests and had him with a breathing tube. 

We had our decision to make - keep trying or take our time with him while we have it. We decided it was as it was and we wanted Bugs and our family to be able to see and enjoy his presence before he passed. We were lucky to have 6hrs of time with him and enjoyed every second. We have been overwhelmed by the amount of support not only from family/friends but many others. We will never be able to thank everyone enough.

News From The Doctor...

So to be honest I started writing this one a week and a half ago…right after I received the call (I was at Bugs dance practice so there wasn’t much else for me to do other than sit and let it all flow). So I received a call before dance class from the nurse saying that the doctor wanted to setup an appointment to discuss the options/risks/such in regards to doing the amnioinfusion. At this point I was a little confused because the way she was talking was like he wanted to meet for the pre-op discussion and I was like “ummmm we’ve already done one”. Then she like back tracked and was like yes he wants to discuss going forward. Okay that makes more sense. Then it came – the call from the doctor. He said that they were not going to do the amnioinfusions anymore. Something to the effect that they didn’t think it was much success when they did it, though they got water in the uterus membrane it didn’t seem to be a successful as hoped since it’s been so tight for so long around the baby it’s like cellophane. He said they also checked with 2 other places and they also said they wouldn’t do the treatments. Now when I first heard this a feeling of rage came over me. I understand safety and such….if it’s dangerous it’s dangerous. In my eyes though what’s it going to do against the baby since you already pretty much told me we’re pushing out a dead baby. Also the doctor didn’t really say it was, he pushed it off more so that it was just “too hard for them” or something. Like since it took them a little longer to get the right spot than usual they didn’t want to do it again. When they were doing the amnioinfusion (obviously I’m fully aware and knew what was going on) they didn’t seem to have trouble with the fluid going in. Yeah finding the right spot and what not wasn’t the easiest but they didn’t have any restriction of the fluid flow, so they said. He said they got some in the baby’s back and outside the uterus. I don’t know exactly, I might have blocked some out some notes in my frustration. Either way the main thing that “frustrated” me is the fact that they said none of this when they were doing the infusion and that they referred to it like the baby was wrapped in cellophane. #notcool Now yes he’s not the doctor we started with and looking back now I wish we would have gotten a second opinion…I mean third opinion since we came from Winona. The doctor we saw pretty much told us it was pointless and though he brought up the idea of the amnioinfusion he said it would be pointless because I would have to come in every two weeks. I wish I would have gone with my gut and not his recommendation and just started it back then. I feel like by not doing it we have hindered our baby even more. If nothing else there would be more room in my belly. More room for baby and more room for me, things wouldn’t be so tight. I also now sort of fear I have forced myself to now have to do a C-section... I had in my head this whole time that I was going to fight to do it vaginally, like Bugs, but if the baby is pretty much wrapped in cellophane to the point they can't even add water than I'm going to have to do it by C-section. This doesn’t make me feel good. I mean yes it sounds better for the baby’s safety, get in and out… but that also means I’m stuck. I am strapped to a table cut open while my baby is potentially rushed off. Seriously…because life doesn’t already have enough road options that you’re not sure of what’s going to happen – things just seem to keep growing. This could happen, that could happen – to infinity. Okay not infinity more like maybe 5 but still. I’m not going to lie though I try to keep strong in my faith/hope it’s getting a bit harder and harder the closer we get to the possible/unknown date to come. I don’t know what day it will happen, how it’ll happen, what’s going to happen after…and all that. :/ {It’s funny as I’m thinking about all the options that could happen coming soon we’re watching Men in Black 3 where the Griffin talks about all the different options that could happen while watching the Mets win the Series 3 months in advance . “A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway” – Griffin.} A glass of wine would be nice right about now… shoots ha I guess this blog and some prayers will have to do. :)

Telling Bugs...

So last night we sat Bugs down to tell her/prepair her for the possibility with the baby. We decided in the morning to tell her, I wouldn't say I dreaded it but more so just didn't know how I was going to start.  It wasn't so bad... Were already so blessed to have a big sister that is pretty understanding and grownup about this all. I'm not sure she fully understands but she at least has an idea so if something happens it's not a slap in the face "WHATS GOING ON???". We told her that there was a chance the baby might be sick when he/she is born and we might not be able to bring the baby home right away. That the baby might need some extra help from the doctors.  It did help that she watches the videos each weeks so explaining that the water that we see around the baby isn't there. She did ask what happened to it and so we told her baby's kidneys were having trouble working and the baby drank all the water, which she seemed to understand. We told her we were still praying God will work a miracle but we wanted her to have a heads up.  She is still very excited for the baby which makes me feel good 😀. She also said, without us bringing it up, she wanted to see where the baby was going to be (NICU). She's much like me in that aspect 😊. { When Grandpa was still in the coma and the doctors were telling us what may or may not happen I was already thinking about transplant. The doctor half laughed at me (not litterally but was like yeah good chance with that) and now 6 years later and Bugs was just at their house for a few days 😉.   }  

We also made it clear, which the nurse did too, that she is more than able to be as active and near the baby as she wants. When the baby goes to the other hospital and stuff she can go with and stay at baby's side. 

This is very much the final push for us. All the hospital planning and such. This is going to be a big growing/bonding time for our family.  I'm so happy to have the people I have around us to celebrate in the joys and be there for support.  Thank you for everything thus far and to come! 😘 

First Amnioinfusion

I was pretty nervous/excited going in. Luckily Dad texted me and in his usual self helped lighten the mood/relax my mind.  #lovehim

Holy balls!!! Though we went into the procedure not knowing a whole lot as far as how they were going to do it...but balls I wasn't ready for that.   I've had pain before (been through labor and had multiple ovarian cyst burst on me), I feel like I have a generally decent pain tolerance.... But this for sure did test it!  

First off the lady doing the original ultra look to figure a place to go in was doing some major pushing. Barry laughed after cuz he could tell she was like shoving it in. I understand she was trying to move around baby and such but it hurt.  Then came the actual process... So for those, like we were, whom have never seen/heard of amnioinfusion it is like a reverse amniocentesis. They find a good spot...poke you with some numbing then jab you with this giant needle! (Going to get a picture next time ha) then they hook the tube up and start the solution. So the spot that they went in was right under baby's butt which is like my most sensitive spot.  Like just rolling over it lightly with the ultrasound wand kinda hurts like someone pinching you from inside/out. Then of course the needle moves around from them having to resituate as the solution fills and moved with baby's movements-that's what hurt! It wasn't so bad getting the needle in and when I was situated, it was when they moved and even more when baby moved/cramped up.  There were times all I could do was squeeze my hands close my eyes and remind myself to breath and try not to tense up my stomach too much. Those times I kept repeating (in my head) "I love you baby". I don't know why, just what came to my head and it some how calmed me and made it "bearable". I about had sweat dripping down my forehead by the time we were done.   

Afterwards.... I was feeling okay. Was tired from all the "strain" but otherwise not too bad. My stomach didn't feel like it was going explode or anything like that, that I was kind of expecting. I was able to walk out of the room and down the hall a bit. There was of course a bit more pressure...they did put in 400+ml in, but nothing a little sitting couldn't handle :)   Barry was nice enough to push me in the wheelchair around Mayo while we ate and then through the hospital tour. #myguy ha.  We got to see both the maternity area at Mayo and then the NICU at St Mary's. It was so nice to kind of get an idea of how they do things and what could happen, where I am and where baby is...but it also brought up a TON of questions and planning we have to get started on. Starting from what we want the doctors to do after delivery, am i okay being away from baby, how much help we want, to what are we going to do if baby passes including funeral and such.... It's now all becoming so real.  And though I'm still optimistic about the outcome we still have to plan all this just incase..,

Update With Big News!

So we have big news...! Well big to us/me ha. Big...kinda scary news... Tomorrow (Friday) we are going to Rochester bright and early for an all-day fun fest!! Okay fun fest might be a stretch but still a change in feeling like we're just sitting around waiting. This is the time we have been waiting for plus a little bonus. So to start we needed to make an appointment to go over everything with the nurses and get the tour of the maternity area and all that fun stuff that comes with having a baby. Which even as I’m typing this it grows my anxiety/nervousness. I have no idea what is to come…what they are going to say. Leaves your heart racing. I’m very excited but just fearful of how things are going to happen. Like I wish we had more time to just enjoy being pregnant. Now it just feel like a rush to the finish line. Tomorrow I am 32 weeks. I could go as early as 5 weeks – depending on if they have plans to induce me. I would like to go as long as I can but I also understand the fact they would like to be prepared with all doctors and nurses needed to give our baby the best chances. Guess we’ll find most of that out tomorrow. The biggest news we have for tomorrow is we are doing the amnioinfusion! We are not sure how all of it happens and such, we haven’t have a consultation…that will be tomorrow morning before procedure. So I tried to lookup online a little bit just to get an idea of maybe how they do it…yeah wasn’t much help. The only thing I really found was this: “Amnioinfusion is a procedure in which normal saline or lactated Ringer's solution is infused into the uterine cavity to replace amniotic fluid. It is used to treat problems known to be associated with decreased intra-amniotic volume, including prophylactic treatment of oligohydramnios and treatment of severe variable decelerations during labor.” I am excited to have it done, hopeful that it will relieve some of the pressure on my legs and the cramping in my stomach and make the space a little nicer for the baby. Every time he/she moves around it like suctions in my stomach for a bit. I’m also hoping that it will possibly also help the baby develop his/her lungs a little bit before delivery. I’m feeling nervous about all the new stuff but also at ease with the fact that we’ll be more informed. We’ll find out how they plan to go about delivery and such. This will help also with telling Bugs, break the news to her and help her understand what could happen and what our plans are. I’m getting ready to be able to plan. Go through and do a little shopping planning. We have decided we’ll go out to Target and probably Baby’s R Us to do a registry so that way we don’t need to go out now to rush and buy things but if we are lucky enough to be able to take our bundle home than Moms can run and grab us a few things to get started while were in the hospital. I do need to gather my to go bag. Figure things I would like to bring and make sure they are accessible in case someone else needs to come and pick them up for me. Oh man things are getting real! 

Better Days Ahead

Monday was a very long day...and night. When Barry got home we drove to the ER. Mom and Dave nicely met us there to watch Bugs, just in case we needed her close. We really had no idea what was going on or what was happening. All I knew was that my legs were in major pain. When we got down there they checked me in, made me pee in a cup, and hooked me up to the baby monitor. Hung out in the maternity area for a while until they came back and said they had no answers to what was going on…which looking back now was dumb they didn’t even do an ultrasound or anything. They packed me up and sent me back down to the ER section. Went through the process again. The doctor came in, did some checking of my reflexes and feeling in my legs then sent for a blood draw to make sure all that was good….couldn’t have been better. So once again I left the doctor with no answers…mystery case central right here. Well never the less I was “ok”…the baby was fine…guess that’s all you could really ask for. Answers are for losers ha. Anyways though the ride home was torture, we made it and I went straight to bed. I stayed home one more day in hopes that it was going to go away… This was a very good idea since the next day was worse than the first. It was horrible, but not just in my legs but it moved to my belly also. Though the pain was bad I believe baby was just having a growth spirt  My belly grew an inch since the last time I measured. I am still experiencing stomach/leg pain but having the thought its baby growing makes it all worth it. And as long as little jammer is moving around in my belly I will be happy. Wednesday I made it through work…well I guess that’s what you can call it. I got my work done and didn’t cry in pain so we’ll take it. I was completely exhausted after though. My body was compensating so much hiding the pain that it wore me out. By the time I got home I had a little energy to make something to eat then needed a nap! Luckily Bugs had Kicks so I had some time. Now being Thursday it was time to get back to my to-do list. Though work was still a little rough, probably will be for a bit, I made it through with enough energy to still be awaKE as I write this now in the evening, progress oh yeah! Had on my list to contact Mayo, even though I’m only 31 weeks tomorrow, we figured I should probably get my call in soon since they book up. Even better they called me . Well they called about my email in request for information for amnioinfusion, even better. Sounds like the doc thinks it’s a good idea/worth a shot. So got two birds with one stone, so they say. Now hopefully they can get all of my appointments in one shot. Though Monday things seemed very dark and I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through. I was in a dark place, worried about everything that was going on. I was very sad and worried and just not myself. Though I don’t regret our decision, I was questioning why things were happening. It wasn’t bad enough we were given this news of a high chance of losing our child…but now I was being overwhelmed with immense pain that still has yet to let up and probably will stay with me till the end. It’s just not something I was fully anticipating…with Bugs everything was pretty easy going. There isn’t much I remember of it being troublesome. I was that pregnant lady you were mad to look at because she just went on with her days as nothing was different. There wasn’t this thing growing in her belly, it was just easy. Now a days I walk around like a broken doll it feels like. But the news today from the nurse and getting thing in the works somehow changed that dark questioning around. Nothing has changed for our answers to come but seeing the end coming into view added a little different perspective. Lightened things up a little bit. I even more take joy in the excessive movement going on in my belly .

Starting to have a hard time...

Friday was the hardest so far.  As we left work and headed to the doctor I was excited, nervous, joyful and going out of my mind all at the same time. It was so bad, I had taken my anxiety meds in the morning and by 1:30 I was almost shaking my emotions were going crazy. I was so joyed to see our little bundle, I want to just sit and stare at an ultrasound all day long :)   I was also nervous/excited to see if there were any changes.  I was nervous that at anytime we could go in and they could tell us something bad again but then also was super excited in hopes that things could be turning for the better....  When we went in though it was just calm. A sort of happy/sad calm came over. Happy because the heartbeat was strong and our bundle was growing on par but also a little sad that there was no change in fluid and that we still are unsure if our little bundle is a he or a she.  

Since we talked to the specialist I never really thought about medical things we could do at this time (well there aren't many options) but more so just thought of things I could do I like what I eat/drink and extra vitamins I can take. It really hit me though for some reason when we were sitting in the office waiting for the doctor after the ultrasound....what about that infusion thing the Mayo had mentioned..? I guess before I just pushed the thought to the back of my mind because the doctor said that even if we did that it wouldn't for sure change anything and also we would have to be in like every two weeks to do it again. At 20 weeks that seemed like a lot of procedures but now at 29 it's a bit less.  I wasn't sure on the name of it so I waited to talk to my doctor about it till I had a little more information. When I got home I did some checking, it's called aminoinfusion and there wasn't much information on it, mainly that they use it more for when there is flow fluid during delivery to help ease pressure on the umbilical cord. I emailed my doctor to see his thoughts before I went to the specialist with it. Though I new that they are the ones that will actually do the process I wanted the thoughts of someone I like ha.  I know that's not really fair to say about the specialist...and it's not that I don't like him it's just the circumstances were not in his favor for me to become comfortable with him as I am at Winona. 

Ever since this thought has come to my mind it just won't go away.  Maybe we were meant to just wait awhile before trying it. Give the baby some time to work things out and then help him/her out. I am really ready/wanting to do this. I think it will be good, whether it helps with the lungs/kidneys or not. As I think more and as we get closer to possible delivery date I feel like even if we have to help with the fluid, it needs to be in there. Not only would it help with my comfort, because things are really starting to get tight, it would also help for baby's comfort. Even though baby can't tell us that I know it would. Baby looks so scrunched whenever we see the ultrasounds and I can tell with how tight my stomach gets that it can't be the funnest way to hangout. I also think it would be helpful leading up to delivery. If they induce me and need to add fluid my body will already be used to the procedure so it will be less stress in my body then and also may help with natural delivery...which I don't know what that's I like. With Bugs they induced me so I never had my water break, blessing and a sad note. Yes I didn't have to deal with fluid splashing all over wherever I was and I had all the comforts of the doctors being right there and not waiting around or count contractions....but at the same time isn't that kind of the extra exciting part. Being able to be like oh yay baby is ready!!!!  :)  I just think I'll around it would be beneficial so now time to call Mayo! 

Birth Plan.....What's That? HA

So with Bugs I didn't really plan much. I was kind of winging the delivery part. I didn’t take any classes; I mean I had the ‘What to Expect When Expecting’ book why do I need a class right? I also knew that Mom would be my support and she’d been through it twice. Figured the nurses would tell me when to push and away we go  Luckily for me that was how it went with Bugs. I showed up when they told me to because I was being induced. I got the gown on, laid in the bed and they checked me in. I was induced, hung out for a few hours, did some pushing while watching Jay Leno and wam-bam out popped a little baby girl . I know with her i was pretty darn lucky in the labor and delivery part that is for sure. But now with this little Flubber, as Angee calls it, I know things aren’t going to go as smoothly. As much as I can hope and pray I know that’s just not going to happen. After reading some of Counting Balloons I have come to the realization even more that I should probably really start thinking of organizing my thoughts for a “birth plan”. Not that I’m super extreme down to the exact point of everything needs to happen this way but just an idea so I don’t get there and go “ahhhh…hmmm I don’t know”. I do know I want Bugs to be in there, if she wants to of course. I’m sure she is going to be way to excited not to be. Her favorite things to watch right now are the videos on my phone about the baby growing and the series show that was on Lifetime “One Born Every Minute”. You may think I am joking…but I am not. She loves that show, minus when they yell loud  . I also want her to be in there just in case the time we have is very short. I don’t want her to miss time with her brother/sister because a nurse had to go get her. I also know that there will be absolutely no food in my room. I can’t eat, you can’t eat! They made a cafeteria and waiting room for that not my delivery room. Lastly on my list to be organized is a photographer. We may have little time with our bundle; I want us to be able to show others the excitement and joy of our little one while we have him/her. I know that may sound like I’m planning for the worst…but in our case there aren’t many options. Yes my hopes are high, my faith is strong and prayers are daily but I’m not dumb to the “medical facts” either. Though miracles happen all the time, it doesn’t hurt to be a little prepared. That’s why we have doctors right…?

Momma Struggles

I think….things are officially getting hard. I am coming to realize that there is only 3 months left, at most, to our little bundles time of stretching my belly. As this time gets shorter and shorter things are getting harder and harder not to do. It’s not the actual thought of what could happen in 3 months that’s hard…that I have come to terms with and put my faith in God to give us strength for. Either way I understand we may be leaving the hospital without a second car seat filled or if we are blessed to take home a little bundle it’s most likely to be a long road. That isn't the part that’s hard. What’s hard is the fact that I can’t really plan. My nesting has set in and though we could use the extra organizing kick to get our house organized in general, I know the drive is the nesting. It’s a thought that sits in the back of your mind when you’re cleaning. Like “this needs to be moved and we need to make room for the extra stuff we’re going to have for the baby…” but then you remember you may not have that stuff right now. There’s also the shopping struggle. Target is the worst! Sorry Target but it’s true. I love shopping at Target, even just wasting time walking around…but these days it seems to get harder and harder. The baby section is right smack dab in the middle of the store. Worst of all every store is different so unless you know the store you’re going to end up passing the baby section. You cannot just walk around the store and not end up there. Think I’m being dramatic…try it. If you wanted to avoid it you would have to specifically think about you’re way around to avoid it but by that time you might as well have just passed it anyways. What’s even harder is I love the baby section. I love looking and shopping even for other people. That section just makes you smile :) . I am so torn for shopping. I kind of want to shop and such but then one we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl for clothes and two…I don’t want to have to worry about returning a crap ton of stuff if things don’t work out. On the other hand I also feel like we need to make a little list of things that are a must, example car seat, so someone does not have to run and go shopping if we do take our bundle home. Also since we have opted to not have a baby shower I don’t want to go and buy everything and then people are like well it’s a waste for me to go, you have everything… ehhh. It’s honestly exhausting having this fight in your head all the time.

There are others out there...

So in surfing Facebook today I happen to stumble upon a blog about a couple who have lost not one but two of their babies, my worst nightmare. I have worried about that since we found out the trouble with out little one, that it could repeat... http://vaporandmist.wordpress.com/celebrating-life-with-our-daughter/ Now I have never heard of either of the conditions their babys had but then again I hadn't heard of ours either. It's made me realize how much of the world we don't know. All of us have our struggles/troubles that can either keep us moving or bring us down. Reading some of their story has also reminded me of the joy I have now growing in me and how much I can't wait till he/she is born and we finally meet baby. :)

25 Weeks - Vitamin C

Hmmm Hmmmm what is there to say about something you can't tell if there's any definite update....There are things I can speculate to say things could possibly be making a hopeful change but obviously can't be sure. My belly is growing more and more, and fast - Barry thinks it's doubled in the last week :) Baby is still non-stop moving machine! Okay so there are maybe some down times, but I would say a good 75% of the day its a dance machine. I would say baby doesn't change position as far as where head and feet are. Does flip sideways which is a giant suction reaction :) But otherwise kicks and punches are generally in the same area. Pretty sure feet are kicking just below my right ribs and punches are middle to lower left side. BOOM BOOM BOOM. Sometimes these movements get a little painful but I joyfully take them and see it as a sign of good things to come. Tomorrow is week 26 :) though I know that there is not much information on our baby's troubles but I am still a little disappointed in the lack of help/suggestions by doctors. Especially being that the original specialist we talked to was a little too quick to settle on quitting when we found out. I know they don't have much information but when I told you I wanted to continue it would have been nice for a little something. Give me some ideas on what you would tell someone else who has this trouble, like if it were me in general and not my baby. Put me on a kidney diet or something instead of me feel like it's just an official death sentence ... but nope didn't happen so I'm just kind of making things up as I go. Increased my water/fluid intake. My ultimate goal is 128oz but a minimum of 70oz, still in process of training my body - takes a little time to gain that space in you body for extra fluids, especially when there's already something growing :) I also read in my baby center app about Vitamin C. No one ever told me what all it was good for. I thought it was just for your immune system like keeping you from a cold. Little did I know it's also essential for tissue repair, wound healing, bone growth and repair. Ahhh hello...why would someone not mention "hey there isn't proof of specifics but this could help. Duh the issue is cysts on tissue...and vitamin C is good for tissue repair, maybe lets give you a supplement/increase your C intake." I would have been like gee thank you that is good information to have that I could have started a month ago. They say pregnant women need at least 85mg and breastfeeding moms need 120mg, so I got some extra vitamin C with 120mg and take 1-2 of them a day. I don't know if it will help...but here's to hoping & not feeling like I'm sitting around doing nothing...

23 weeks, no change

So...today we were able to get in for an ultrasound. I know it has only been a short time but hey you never know...my hopes were there that maybe something would have changed. Something found to indicate baby could be growing/healing. Unfortunately this wasn't the case. On the brighter side, things aren't any worse either - minus the cramping a little more for baby due to him/her growing, which growing is good. My faith hasn't gone and won't if nothing changes, it's just almost like running into a wall. I know that no matter what we find while the baby is in my belly the true answer won't come till delivery day. Being 23 weeks now delivery day seems like forever and too soon all at the same time. I want more time with my baby along with the urge to want to meet him/her. Some days I almost wish we didn't know any of this. That we could go on as normal pregnancy and enjoy without this cloud over our heads. I am still enjoying every day of my pregnancy, including the continuous pain :( Though the pain is not from the trouble just baby sitting extremely low in my belly. Like don't sneeze too hard he/she might just fall out low ha. It is a little hard to walk through Target or get the update emails from my apps with all the baby stuff ideas...I love shopping for baby things in general and being that I can't kind of sucks. Not only because we don't know what we are having yet so I wouldn't even know what to get...but we have also decided that we are just going to see how things go, not get too excited as far as shopping and such just in case the worse is in the plans. I don't want to end up with a ton of baby stuff I have to return if it's in Gods plan our baby not to make it. There will be no baby shower, as of now. We are going to hold off till after delivery and have a welcoming party instead. I think what is hardest for me to deal with right now is not telling Bugs. I know she is so excited and I want her to continue to be. To learn about the baby growing and seeing Mommy's belly get bigger and bigger. Though I know she would be understanding of the situation but I just don't feel like she needs to have that "worry" right now. My plan for now is to just keep her excited and we'll wait to tell her till we get closer to our due date. My next appointment with my Doctor seems like years away (almost 3 weeks), though at the same time... I don't know why I will even make the trips. Just schedule me for the ultrasounds and let me enjoy my time. Why do I need to make another appointment to talk to my doctor about the fact that nothing has changed (and hear them tell us how sorry they are we're having to go through this)...unless something of course changes in how I or I feel the baby is doing which then I could just call...but I will go with what they say... see the doctor I prefer till 33 weeks where then I'll have to go back to the specialist/high risk doctor for delivery talk. I have a feeling it's all going to go so fast. This year already went by fast. From now till delivery day we have Bugs birthday party, Christmas, New Years, Angee, Grandma and MamaT's birthdays and then my birthday....after that a month of waiting till baby decides he/she is ready to come out. I honestly can't imagine another 4 months as far as my belly growing. It seams so large for my figure already, though of course everyone else says I'm so tiny. Yeah maybe in your eyes but when you're not used to the added weight and body growth it's a lot ha. I am excited though because I love dressing to show my belly :) minus the lack of fitting pants, which was already an issue before the pregnancy ha. Pictures soon to come :)