News From The Doctor...

So to be honest I started writing this one a week and a half ago…right after I received the call (I was at Bugs dance practice so there wasn’t much else for me to do other than sit and let it all flow). So I received a call before dance class from the nurse saying that the doctor wanted to setup an appointment to discuss the options/risks/such in regards to doing the amnioinfusion. At this point I was a little confused because the way she was talking was like he wanted to meet for the pre-op discussion and I was like “ummmm we’ve already done one”. Then she like back tracked and was like yes he wants to discuss going forward. Okay that makes more sense. Then it came – the call from the doctor. He said that they were not going to do the amnioinfusions anymore. Something to the effect that they didn’t think it was much success when they did it, though they got water in the uterus membrane it didn’t seem to be a successful as hoped since it’s been so tight for so long around the baby it’s like cellophane. He said they also checked with 2 other places and they also said they wouldn’t do the treatments. Now when I first heard this a feeling of rage came over me. I understand safety and such….if it’s dangerous it’s dangerous. In my eyes though what’s it going to do against the baby since you already pretty much told me we’re pushing out a dead baby. Also the doctor didn’t really say it was, he pushed it off more so that it was just “too hard for them” or something. Like since it took them a little longer to get the right spot than usual they didn’t want to do it again. When they were doing the amnioinfusion (obviously I’m fully aware and knew what was going on) they didn’t seem to have trouble with the fluid going in. Yeah finding the right spot and what not wasn’t the easiest but they didn’t have any restriction of the fluid flow, so they said. He said they got some in the baby’s back and outside the uterus. I don’t know exactly, I might have blocked some out some notes in my frustration. Either way the main thing that “frustrated” me is the fact that they said none of this when they were doing the infusion and that they referred to it like the baby was wrapped in cellophane. #notcool Now yes he’s not the doctor we started with and looking back now I wish we would have gotten a second opinion…I mean third opinion since we came from Winona. The doctor we saw pretty much told us it was pointless and though he brought up the idea of the amnioinfusion he said it would be pointless because I would have to come in every two weeks. I wish I would have gone with my gut and not his recommendation and just started it back then. I feel like by not doing it we have hindered our baby even more. If nothing else there would be more room in my belly. More room for baby and more room for me, things wouldn’t be so tight. I also now sort of fear I have forced myself to now have to do a C-section... I had in my head this whole time that I was going to fight to do it vaginally, like Bugs, but if the baby is pretty much wrapped in cellophane to the point they can't even add water than I'm going to have to do it by C-section. This doesn’t make me feel good. I mean yes it sounds better for the baby’s safety, get in and out… but that also means I’m stuck. I am strapped to a table cut open while my baby is potentially rushed off. Seriously…because life doesn’t already have enough road options that you’re not sure of what’s going to happen – things just seem to keep growing. This could happen, that could happen – to infinity. Okay not infinity more like maybe 5 but still. I’m not going to lie though I try to keep strong in my faith/hope it’s getting a bit harder and harder the closer we get to the possible/unknown date to come. I don’t know what day it will happen, how it’ll happen, what’s going to happen after…and all that. :/ {It’s funny as I’m thinking about all the options that could happen coming soon we’re watching Men in Black 3 where the Griffin talks about all the different options that could happen while watching the Mets win the Series 3 months in advance . “A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway” – Griffin.} A glass of wine would be nice right about now… shoots ha I guess this blog and some prayers will have to do. :)

First Amnioinfusion

I was pretty nervous/excited going in. Luckily Dad texted me and in his usual self helped lighten the mood/relax my mind.  #lovehim

Holy balls!!! Though we went into the procedure not knowing a whole lot as far as how they were going to do it...but balls I wasn't ready for that.   I've had pain before (been through labor and had multiple ovarian cyst burst on me), I feel like I have a generally decent pain tolerance.... But this for sure did test it!  

First off the lady doing the original ultra look to figure a place to go in was doing some major pushing. Barry laughed after cuz he could tell she was like shoving it in. I understand she was trying to move around baby and such but it hurt.  Then came the actual process... So for those, like we were, whom have never seen/heard of amnioinfusion it is like a reverse amniocentesis. They find a good spot...poke you with some numbing then jab you with this giant needle! (Going to get a picture next time ha) then they hook the tube up and start the solution. So the spot that they went in was right under baby's butt which is like my most sensitive spot.  Like just rolling over it lightly with the ultrasound wand kinda hurts like someone pinching you from inside/out. Then of course the needle moves around from them having to resituate as the solution fills and moved with baby's movements-that's what hurt! It wasn't so bad getting the needle in and when I was situated, it was when they moved and even more when baby moved/cramped up.  There were times all I could do was squeeze my hands close my eyes and remind myself to breath and try not to tense up my stomach too much. Those times I kept repeating (in my head) "I love you baby". I don't know why, just what came to my head and it some how calmed me and made it "bearable". I about had sweat dripping down my forehead by the time we were done.   

Afterwards.... I was feeling okay. Was tired from all the "strain" but otherwise not too bad. My stomach didn't feel like it was going explode or anything like that, that I was kind of expecting. I was able to walk out of the room and down the hall a bit. There was of course a bit more pressure...they did put in 400+ml in, but nothing a little sitting couldn't handle :)   Barry was nice enough to push me in the wheelchair around Mayo while we ate and then through the hospital tour. #myguy ha.  We got to see both the maternity area at Mayo and then the NICU at St Mary's. It was so nice to kind of get an idea of how they do things and what could happen, where I am and where baby is...but it also brought up a TON of questions and planning we have to get started on. Starting from what we want the doctors to do after delivery, am i okay being away from baby, how much help we want, to what are we going to do if baby passes including funeral and such.... It's now all becoming so real.  And though I'm still optimistic about the outcome we still have to plan all this just incase..,