anxiety feels...

I don’t mean the “I’m running late for work” anxiety, I’m talking about the kind that overcomes you. The kind that won’t just shake off. Simply…it hurts. You could be going along with your day, feeling just fine and then it just creeps up on you and hits like a sledgehammer. I didn’t even see it coming yesterday. Woke up feeling, honestly…., pretty great. Sent Bugs off to school, sent Barry to work and got ready for my day. Had big plans for the day . First stop Jaime, Target, Macy’s, eye doctor, Ashley, maybe get some tea then back home. Nowhere in that the bright sun shined filled horizon (literally it was beautiful out yesterday) did I see getting hit by the anxiety bomb. I wasn’t worried about anything in particular, I didn’t feel like crying, I was honestly feeling good about where I was. Looking back there were things that went wrong but I wasn’t feeling anxious or even really upset about them. The anxiety just took a major life of its own yesterday. The devil really tried to get me. So yes there were some bumps yesterday, as you may know from Facebook. If you don’t here’s the quick replay.
Target – sent 200 photos from the kiosk through the 1hr photo, got there to pick them up and they told me they had no paper. Now yes there was a small sign on the kiosk that said no 5x7”…I didn’t order 5x7”s I ordered 5x5” and 3x5”s. apparently they don’t have all individual sized paper and must use all 5x7”s to print those out. Doesn’t make sense to me but that’s the impression I got.
Macy’s/Origins – had a coupon for a free sample, walked in no sample there. The Macy’s one apparently does not honor the Origins direct coupons, it has to be a Macy’s coupon. Not cool Macy’s.
Eye doctor – went in at 1:25 to see if I could get in early (my appointment was for 1:40). The lady at the desk said the doctor was actually running late and it would be more like 1:50. I told her I would just come back in a little bit. … Time pass, long enough for Macy’s to tell me they wouldn’t take my coupon. … I got back 1:50/55 latest, she told me I was late and the doctor had gone on lunch. WHAT!? Ok whatever I have to go back up Thursday, I will come then.
Then I went to see Ashley, talked way longer than she probably should have ;) no big was feeling good. We had some tea and even felt spontaneous and got Mom a new straightener.
Nowhere in that mix did I have a clue of what was coming. Started driving to pick up Bugs and it started to hit. Kind of like the feeling you get when you drink too much coffee or something. You get that kind of caffeine tingle I guess I would call it. Stomach starts to be pained like someone is squeezing or pushing on it hard. That pain that nothing seems to ease except putting pressure on it, I shove my elbow into it. Then the headache, chest/limb pain and exhaustion starts setting in. The kind that makes you feel like you can’t even make a simple decision, you just want to take some Tylenol and try and sleep it off. By the time I picked up Bugs I decided I wasn’t going to cook because I was probably going to wreck it or burn myself in the process so we went out. I had to try and be functional enough to get through dinner but keep to myself and not make my anxiety worse. It’s not fun for anyone if that happens, everyone just gets frustrated and mad. After Bugs went to bed I tried to “relax” and just watch a little TV. I just couldn’t shake the weight so I tried to go to bed. That never really works, unless you’re going to take something that knocks you out. Laying there you feel like your whole body is being shaken but your laying still. You close your eyes and they just roll around and you feel like you’re floating (not in the fun way) and can’t come down and settle. The only thing that semi helps luckily is when we snuggle in and Barry wraps his arms around me. It’s like an anchor that keeps me level. And though the feelings don’t go away instantly I can slowly feel them easing away. There’s usually still a wrestles night with short breaths ahead but at least the others things start to go away.
Most people don’t realize how debilitating anxiety really can be. I know I didn’t till it happened to me. I was always like “really just chill, everything will work out”. And yes I still believe that. Everything does work out for something in the end and usually things aren’t as bad as it feels when you’re feeling like your being suffocated. But this is also a different kind of anxiety than just the bills need to be paid. A kind that your head and heart could be just fine but the anxiety tries to take you over.

Weekend at Moms

Well got away for a bit this weekend...a little change of scenery.  Went out to Moms with Ang & the fam after having dinner with Barb & Jerry.  It was a fun weekend. Spent Friday night chatting, a lot of laughing and playing some terribly hard kids games ha. Well just the one, Headbanz, was hard. I was not good at it at all ha.  But it was fun none the less and that's what counts.  

Then Saturday was a lazy morning, then we decided to go to La Crosse. The girls (Mom, Ang and I) went in one car and the boys+Bugs (Barry, Dave and Bradey) went in the other ;) they went to Chuck E Cheese. We walked around La Crosse a bit. Stopped at a little tea shop and then did some pottery painting and then got some dinner.  We had the worst time trying to find somewhere to eat. We were unaware there was a Badgers game on...yeah every bar/resturant was packed. Finally we thought we got lucky. Coconut Joes opened at 7 and we were the first ones in! That high didn't last long...they don't sell food.  WTH.  No food at all!? So we went to the Mexican place across the street, got it to go and brought it back to Joes to have a drink ha.  We decided to do a shot and told the guy to come up with something good and funky - Zombie Brain.  Sounds like it would be harsh. Like mixing tequila and whiskey or something but it wasn't and was actually pretty good. The only thing that threw us was the cream (makes the brain look) it kinda stops ya when you're drinking it and makes you think you're supposed to chew it ha. We had a good time though.

  Then Sunday was lazy Sunday :)  Get up and have some breakfast and mosey on home.   It was a good change up. Get out for a bit and laugh. 

Thanks Dad!

I'm so happy and excited. My Dad got Trysten bracelets and window decals 😄. They turned out amazing. I'm so glad he thought of it.  

If you want one let me know.  Otherwise we will also have them at the celebration of life get together (thinking April 18th). 

Blog. Grief. Tea. Growth.

Today was a day of exploration…on the internet ha. So I started this blog to keep our family updated on the progress of Trysten and since he passed it’s now become an outlet to work through my thoughts and let others know they’re not alone in their struggle. With that I have immersed myself into learning more about blogging and other blogs referencing grief support. Something productive to work through my grief.
Today I have come across a few great websites. Some great and relating stories. One site being Faces Of Loss, doesn’t sound like a good site but it’s filled with stories from men and women who have also suffered a loss of a child. There is comfort that comes with sharing your story and knowing you’re not alone in your feelings & struggles. That there is a community of people working through understanding and living with the emotions like you. A blog post that says it well was “20 things that baby loss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t”. #1 hits it on the spot! You do clearly see the before and after. Your life changes in an instant, it’s not really something you can’t ignore or act like it didn’t happen. #2 makes me laugh, but it’s true. I’m sure we can all think of a few things on our list ;) We all understand it just comes with the struggle to figure out what to say, just doesn’t always come out as well. #3 is for sure. I’ve always checked Bugs breath, since she was a baby, but seem to check now a little more. Sometimes you do feel a little crazy, almost paranoid. Guess every large experience in your life brings on a few new behaviors.
Another site I stumbled upon and am pretty excited about. I came across a tea site. Now if you know me you know I love tea! This especially grew with my pregnancy with Trysten, drank tea even more . There’s nothing a good cup a tea can’t help with. So when I came across Teamotions it stuck my interest and emotion and I had to order some right away. Tea for the emotional well-being. It was breathed with life from the desire to comfort a hurting sister. I am so excited to try it. I ordered the Courage Tea, Plum Spice Rooibos, because even though people tell me how courageous I am…I don’t always feel that way.

Sleepless...

Guess tonight is one of those nights...sleepless.  I'm not sure which is better - try and lay here hoping my brain will shut off or get up and do something. There's this overwhelming anxiety hanging over me and I'm not sure what's all causing it. Maybe the thoughts of how fast a month has gone by already.  I've been in such a daze I really wasn't paying attention to the days so it's all kind of a blur as to where it went.  Or is it over thinking  about making plans this weekend...wanting to do something special Friday since that was Trystens "due date" and thinking about attempting to go out with friends..?  The later being the one hurdle I wish I could get over sooner rather than later. I have the desire to go out, I miss my friends. But thinking and actually doing it seems so daunting. It races my heart just writing it out.  I don't know the best way to solve it. Do I just need some more time or do I say "screw you body/brain you don't know nothin, I'm going out" and just kind of force myself.  I feel like I went to bed one night 26 and woke up 36. Like what I have observed as that lul-in between time. When you're not in your 20's fun nights out but you haven't hit that later 40's second wind. There's that lul period in your 30's you're like "I'm too tired from work and kids...going out with friends ha". Which of course isn't the case for everyone but from observations that's the feeling Im having. Like in want nothing more to stay home.  I don't need to go out and socialize... Hmm guess that'd be one of those red flags when you go see your doctor and they're like "have you had any mood changes lately"...guess it's a good thing I'm going to talk to someone about all this next week...

Putting My Suitcase Away

Today I finally cleaned out my suitcase, from the hospital. It’s only been sitting there for a month. It wasn’t that it was majorly packed or anything. Like it was going to be a long task to unpack it, I just didn’t want to. There was a sort of cloud over it. Feeling like if I unpacked that would be the last of our time. The end of the chapter. I’m not ready for that. I know that that’s really not the case. Trysten will live with us forever but it feels like if we really close that chapter than its saying goodbye to a little piece of him. Though there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and the joy he brought to all of our lives.

Wednesday Rerun

Honestly Wednesday's are just not my days. They are not good to me at all. Doesn't help that those days seem to be the days we have to go to the funeral home for things, but hopefully that is checked off the list. 

Waking up on Wednesdays though is like those movies where the people keep waking up on the same day over and over. Without noticing, cuz sometimes my days are all over the place, or consciously thinking about it my mind starts to replay every thing from the day our son was born (Wednesday morning). It's not that I want to forget because it is a beautiful memory and one that I cherish. But right now it's still hard to fully ejpnjoy the beauty without  the sadness that try's to drownd it. 

Yesterday we went and saw my doctor and chatted about how crazy that morning was. We filled her in on what all happened (family/friends wise) and how things were going since.  We laughed about how fast baby progressed and came out. :)   It was good to smile, even if it was just for a little while. 

So I am taking people's advice and sitting down to talk with a specialist.  I'm a little hesitant because I'm not sure how it's going to go, what I'm going to say...but maybe it'll help. Especially for my anxiety because for me right now that's what I struggle with the most. I seem to be able to at least fake it through the looking normal ("fake it till you make it" right?) but my anxiety is what over takes me. Though I'm able to do things every now and then, the anxiety is crippling and exhausts me. I guess we will find out the beginning of April.