Out of Order Today

“How are you?” …such an easily thrown out there and used question. Sometimes you want to ask do you want the cordial answer or the real answer?
The answer that some days it’s a struggle to not burst into tears? That though time has passed it still feels like it happened this morning. That no I may not want to talk to you but it’s not because you did anything but because I’m holding back tears or might just scream. That I really don’t care what you have going on that you think is a major deal right now because I’m still dealing with the fact my son is not here. I don’t get to kiss his face or hold him tight. That everything I see, hear or thought I have today is a slap in the face reminder. That I might get easily frustrated with little things because I struggle that it’s not as easy to shake off sometimes as I would like. That I know I have to continue on with my day and life but sometimes I just want to call in sick to everything. Sorry I’m out-of-order today. That emotions literally feel like gut rot and nothing will fix it. The worst part knowing that this struggle is never going to go away…it’s always going to be there. Though it may ease a little and some days will be really great…it will also still sometimes find its way back to the surface and leave me feeling broken.
It’s not my “problem” it’s my emotion. It’s not something that can be cured but something that is lived with. I don’t mean to be frustrated but I also didn’t request this struggle. It’s a life changing event and sometimes life doesn’t agree with continuing on after it.