Red Rock - Healing

Where to start...honestly. I want to say so much yet don't know where to start or how to say it. I'm so exhausted yet a bit revived.  There was a lot of searching and praying today. The sermon tonight was on healing.  Healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I would fall into the category of emotionally and spiritually. I have found myself battling with anger, regret, fear and the questions of loss. Angry that our prayers were not answered the way that we wanted, angry that our doctors were not helpful in the beginning. Regret that we didn't do more right away. That I wasn't bolder and just tried to be "strong". Fear that it could happen again...if we were able to get pregnant again. I also fall under the spiritual question of loss. Why were we chosen for this. All we wanted was out beautiful baby boy to take home and wrap him in our arms. The questions of what our future holds and what the big picture is. I know there's a big picture I just wish I knew what it was right now.
I did get a chance to talk with a lovely lady that has gone threw a similar situation a few years back. Like we both said it was a group we didn't ask to join, we were chosen. It was nice to talk to someone who understands the struggles and fears that come with the loss of your child. Its a different kind of loss/grief. The loss of a family member is generally a habit of life. You live your life,get old and move on to the next part of your journey. But losing a child before they even had a chance to live their life is something completelly different. There are so many residual effects that come with it. There's a stigma that we are self contained and don't want to talk about what happened.
I feel like a lot is happening/going to happen and I just need to brace myself for the ride and remind myself to stop, enjoy it, have patience and not worry about whats ahead. It is what it is and it will come in its time.