Better Days Ahead

Monday was a very long day...and night. When Barry got home we drove to the ER. Mom and Dave nicely met us there to watch Bugs, just in case we needed her close. We really had no idea what was going on or what was happening. All I knew was that my legs were in major pain. When we got down there they checked me in, made me pee in a cup, and hooked me up to the baby monitor. Hung out in the maternity area for a while until they came back and said they had no answers to what was going on…which looking back now was dumb they didn’t even do an ultrasound or anything. They packed me up and sent me back down to the ER section. Went through the process again. The doctor came in, did some checking of my reflexes and feeling in my legs then sent for a blood draw to make sure all that was good….couldn’t have been better. So once again I left the doctor with no answers…mystery case central right here. Well never the less I was “ok”…the baby was fine…guess that’s all you could really ask for. Answers are for losers ha. Anyways though the ride home was torture, we made it and I went straight to bed. I stayed home one more day in hopes that it was going to go away… This was a very good idea since the next day was worse than the first. It was horrible, but not just in my legs but it moved to my belly also. Though the pain was bad I believe baby was just having a growth spirt  My belly grew an inch since the last time I measured. I am still experiencing stomach/leg pain but having the thought its baby growing makes it all worth it. And as long as little jammer is moving around in my belly I will be happy. Wednesday I made it through work…well I guess that’s what you can call it. I got my work done and didn’t cry in pain so we’ll take it. I was completely exhausted after though. My body was compensating so much hiding the pain that it wore me out. By the time I got home I had a little energy to make something to eat then needed a nap! Luckily Bugs had Kicks so I had some time. Now being Thursday it was time to get back to my to-do list. Though work was still a little rough, probably will be for a bit, I made it through with enough energy to still be awaKE as I write this now in the evening, progress oh yeah! Had on my list to contact Mayo, even though I’m only 31 weeks tomorrow, we figured I should probably get my call in soon since they book up. Even better they called me . Well they called about my email in request for information for amnioinfusion, even better. Sounds like the doc thinks it’s a good idea/worth a shot. So got two birds with one stone, so they say. Now hopefully they can get all of my appointments in one shot. Though Monday things seemed very dark and I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through. I was in a dark place, worried about everything that was going on. I was very sad and worried and just not myself. Though I don’t regret our decision, I was questioning why things were happening. It wasn’t bad enough we were given this news of a high chance of losing our child…but now I was being overwhelmed with immense pain that still has yet to let up and probably will stay with me till the end. It’s just not something I was fully anticipating…with Bugs everything was pretty easy going. There isn’t much I remember of it being troublesome. I was that pregnant lady you were mad to look at because she just went on with her days as nothing was different. There wasn’t this thing growing in her belly, it was just easy. Now a days I walk around like a broken doll it feels like. But the news today from the nurse and getting thing in the works somehow changed that dark questioning around. Nothing has changed for our answers to come but seeing the end coming into view added a little different perspective. Lightened things up a little bit. I even more take joy in the excessive movement going on in my belly .

Bugs Party

So Bugs is officially 6 ;) of course she turned 6 back in November but with all the craziness of the holidays and finding out about the baby...we just got things situated to have her hotel/pool party.  It was a blast. Had family and friends visit, have some snacks and opened gifts. Then it was off to the pool!!! A special surprise is her good buddy Kingston spent the night with us. So they had a slumber party, got up and ate a big breakfast, relaxed some, then was back at it again in the pool. So proud of my big girl; she's getting better about water in her face, was jumping off the side of the pool into daddy's arms and even went down the big slide more than once. It took some encouraging to start out, remind her she could do it and that daddy would be at the bottom to catch her...but she did it :)    It also brought a big smile to my face when she asked Kingston if he wanted to try it and she said "You might like it...You just have to try" #meltmommysheart  I tell her things like that all the time. She is very good about not saying she doesn't like something if she hasn't tried it, cuz really how do you is just because it looks weird or scary...? #soproud.  We had so much fun at the hotel! 

Pregnancy/Mommy wise I realized after the baby comes I really need to discuss with my doctor options/solutions for my fatigue.   I know now most of it is from the baby but I had quite a bit before I was even pregnant and have for a long time. I need to get it better if I'm going to have two little munchkins running around now ;)   I didn't get a chance to go in the pool last night, which was fine. I wanted to be able to walk people out and such as they were leaving and I knew I wouldn't have the energy to be up late with all the action of the day and swim in the pool....man was I right. By the time we got things cleaned up, out of the pool and late dinner of pizza ordered I was more than ready to crash! But luckily I had a great guy helping me out, took care of getting the kids pizza and drinks while I sat down and rested some before it was time to get the munchkins to bed. This morning though we had a big breakfast, we'll Barry and I more so than the kids ha, then it was in the pool for us all. 

The belly loved the pool, shocker I know ha. Think the baby was probably like "hmm I remember this kind of weightlessness from before...now all I feel is crap gravity, blaaa".  I just kind of waded in the big pool, let the waves move me around....when I went to pull my growing belly out of the pool up the ladder pretty sure it felt like I gained like 50lbs in one shot. Good thing I was only getting out to move to the little pool to sit and relax :). After I got out though my belly was fiercely mad at me!  Like I hate you so much right now I could just pull apart from you right now. It was honestly painful.  I could hardly walk. My legs are still feeling pinched, my back sore and my belly stretched....eh. I'm not sure if this means I should spend a little more time hanging out in the tub to relax my belly or if it means I should stay as far away from standing water as possible.  Eh it just brings me back to wanting to do the aminoinfusion even more!!! 

We'll I guess to sum it up at 30 weeks...  I'm officially pained/bloated, stretched, exhausted and ready to meet our little one....but at the same time wish there was more time! As I said before I knew this time would fly by not only because it always does when you're trying to enjoy something but because we are weekend filled and not seeing any end ha. By the way thats totally not a complaint. Even though it makes the time seem like it races by it also helps with the enjoying the time and not wollowing in the worry.  Coming weekend work dinner and Kingstons birthday bash :) then the next weekend going to a comedy club, then the week after that I am gone for 3 days to the cities for a marketing conference, which will be a nice change of pace to distract me some. Then it just keeps rolling on....guess eventually one of the next weekends we should finalize organizing the house and what our plans are for both ends of the possibilities.

 

Going over it again and again...

Though I have known the possibility of what's to happen....I have noticed how much harder and harder it gets to think about as more and more people ask about it.  I don't mean this to be against or angry at them by any means, I would ask the same questions if it were someone I knew. Just explaining it reminds me more so of the tragic possibility more so than the chance of hope. The ability to plan and know is lost and that makes things so much harder. Not that parenting gives you any answers or definite path but it seems less like something horrible is going to happen when someone's not right there telling/reminding you. It's like if someone sent you a message that said in 1 year from today I'm going to kidnap your child and they are going to be mine forever and you can't do anything about it except enjoy the time you have with your child knowing your time is dwindling. As much as you would love every minute of the time you have together you also have that dark shadow following you with the reminder of the to come.   Yes I know there is a chance we come home with no bundle to fill a crib...

As I lay here resting my bell, enjoying the movements/kicks of my little bundle, I'm torn. Wanting to treasure this time as long as I can. Knowing this is definite time I have with my baby. I am also torn to the side that I want to see my little one more and more. Be able to hold him/her, count their toes, see the smiles and finally give a name to the joy growing in my belly.  I have never really been one to wonder/fear the future....until now. I have always believed that everything would work out, though I didn't know what that meant... Knowing for sure now there are two possibilities makes it seem harder for my faith to light the way.  

...but I'm trying hard to remain strong in my faith/hope that miracles can happen. I know this to be true most definite in my family more than once, so I keep trying to remind myself of these miracles and that it could happen again.