Update With Big News!

So we have big news...! Well big to us/me ha. Big...kinda scary news... Tomorrow (Friday) we are going to Rochester bright and early for an all-day fun fest!! Okay fun fest might be a stretch but still a change in feeling like we're just sitting around waiting. This is the time we have been waiting for plus a little bonus. So to start we needed to make an appointment to go over everything with the nurses and get the tour of the maternity area and all that fun stuff that comes with having a baby. Which even as I’m typing this it grows my anxiety/nervousness. I have no idea what is to come…what they are going to say. Leaves your heart racing. I’m very excited but just fearful of how things are going to happen. Like I wish we had more time to just enjoy being pregnant. Now it just feel like a rush to the finish line. Tomorrow I am 32 weeks. I could go as early as 5 weeks – depending on if they have plans to induce me. I would like to go as long as I can but I also understand the fact they would like to be prepared with all doctors and nurses needed to give our baby the best chances. Guess we’ll find most of that out tomorrow. The biggest news we have for tomorrow is we are doing the amnioinfusion! We are not sure how all of it happens and such, we haven’t have a consultation…that will be tomorrow morning before procedure. So I tried to lookup online a little bit just to get an idea of maybe how they do it…yeah wasn’t much help. The only thing I really found was this: “Amnioinfusion is a procedure in which normal saline or lactated Ringer's solution is infused into the uterine cavity to replace amniotic fluid. It is used to treat problems known to be associated with decreased intra-amniotic volume, including prophylactic treatment of oligohydramnios and treatment of severe variable decelerations during labor.” I am excited to have it done, hopeful that it will relieve some of the pressure on my legs and the cramping in my stomach and make the space a little nicer for the baby. Every time he/she moves around it like suctions in my stomach for a bit. I’m also hoping that it will possibly also help the baby develop his/her lungs a little bit before delivery. I’m feeling nervous about all the new stuff but also at ease with the fact that we’ll be more informed. We’ll find out how they plan to go about delivery and such. This will help also with telling Bugs, break the news to her and help her understand what could happen and what our plans are. I’m getting ready to be able to plan. Go through and do a little shopping planning. We have decided we’ll go out to Target and probably Baby’s R Us to do a registry so that way we don’t need to go out now to rush and buy things but if we are lucky enough to be able to take our bundle home than Moms can run and grab us a few things to get started while were in the hospital. I do need to gather my to go bag. Figure things I would like to bring and make sure they are accessible in case someone else needs to come and pick them up for me. Oh man things are getting real! 

Better Days Ahead

Monday was a very long day...and night. When Barry got home we drove to the ER. Mom and Dave nicely met us there to watch Bugs, just in case we needed her close. We really had no idea what was going on or what was happening. All I knew was that my legs were in major pain. When we got down there they checked me in, made me pee in a cup, and hooked me up to the baby monitor. Hung out in the maternity area for a while until they came back and said they had no answers to what was going on…which looking back now was dumb they didn’t even do an ultrasound or anything. They packed me up and sent me back down to the ER section. Went through the process again. The doctor came in, did some checking of my reflexes and feeling in my legs then sent for a blood draw to make sure all that was good….couldn’t have been better. So once again I left the doctor with no answers…mystery case central right here. Well never the less I was “ok”…the baby was fine…guess that’s all you could really ask for. Answers are for losers ha. Anyways though the ride home was torture, we made it and I went straight to bed. I stayed home one more day in hopes that it was going to go away… This was a very good idea since the next day was worse than the first. It was horrible, but not just in my legs but it moved to my belly also. Though the pain was bad I believe baby was just having a growth spirt  My belly grew an inch since the last time I measured. I am still experiencing stomach/leg pain but having the thought its baby growing makes it all worth it. And as long as little jammer is moving around in my belly I will be happy. Wednesday I made it through work…well I guess that’s what you can call it. I got my work done and didn’t cry in pain so we’ll take it. I was completely exhausted after though. My body was compensating so much hiding the pain that it wore me out. By the time I got home I had a little energy to make something to eat then needed a nap! Luckily Bugs had Kicks so I had some time. Now being Thursday it was time to get back to my to-do list. Though work was still a little rough, probably will be for a bit, I made it through with enough energy to still be awaKE as I write this now in the evening, progress oh yeah! Had on my list to contact Mayo, even though I’m only 31 weeks tomorrow, we figured I should probably get my call in soon since they book up. Even better they called me . Well they called about my email in request for information for amnioinfusion, even better. Sounds like the doc thinks it’s a good idea/worth a shot. So got two birds with one stone, so they say. Now hopefully they can get all of my appointments in one shot. Though Monday things seemed very dark and I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through. I was in a dark place, worried about everything that was going on. I was very sad and worried and just not myself. Though I don’t regret our decision, I was questioning why things were happening. It wasn’t bad enough we were given this news of a high chance of losing our child…but now I was being overwhelmed with immense pain that still has yet to let up and probably will stay with me till the end. It’s just not something I was fully anticipating…with Bugs everything was pretty easy going. There isn’t much I remember of it being troublesome. I was that pregnant lady you were mad to look at because she just went on with her days as nothing was different. There wasn’t this thing growing in her belly, it was just easy. Now a days I walk around like a broken doll it feels like. But the news today from the nurse and getting thing in the works somehow changed that dark questioning around. Nothing has changed for our answers to come but seeing the end coming into view added a little different perspective. Lightened things up a little bit. I even more take joy in the excessive movement going on in my belly .

Going over it again and again...

Though I have known the possibility of what's to happen....I have noticed how much harder and harder it gets to think about as more and more people ask about it.  I don't mean this to be against or angry at them by any means, I would ask the same questions if it were someone I knew. Just explaining it reminds me more so of the tragic possibility more so than the chance of hope. The ability to plan and know is lost and that makes things so much harder. Not that parenting gives you any answers or definite path but it seems less like something horrible is going to happen when someone's not right there telling/reminding you. It's like if someone sent you a message that said in 1 year from today I'm going to kidnap your child and they are going to be mine forever and you can't do anything about it except enjoy the time you have with your child knowing your time is dwindling. As much as you would love every minute of the time you have together you also have that dark shadow following you with the reminder of the to come.   Yes I know there is a chance we come home with no bundle to fill a crib...

As I lay here resting my bell, enjoying the movements/kicks of my little bundle, I'm torn. Wanting to treasure this time as long as I can. Knowing this is definite time I have with my baby. I am also torn to the side that I want to see my little one more and more. Be able to hold him/her, count their toes, see the smiles and finally give a name to the joy growing in my belly.  I have never really been one to wonder/fear the future....until now. I have always believed that everything would work out, though I didn't know what that meant... Knowing for sure now there are two possibilities makes it seem harder for my faith to light the way.  

...but I'm trying hard to remain strong in my faith/hope that miracles can happen. I know this to be true most definite in my family more than once, so I keep trying to remind myself of these miracles and that it could happen again.