Red Rock - Healing

Where to start...honestly. I want to say so much yet don't know where to start or how to say it. I'm so exhausted yet a bit revived.  There was a lot of searching and praying today. The sermon tonight was on healing.  Healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I would fall into the category of emotionally and spiritually. I have found myself battling with anger, regret, fear and the questions of loss. Angry that our prayers were not answered the way that we wanted, angry that our doctors were not helpful in the beginning. Regret that we didn't do more right away. That I wasn't bolder and just tried to be "strong". Fear that it could happen again...if we were able to get pregnant again. I also fall under the spiritual question of loss. Why were we chosen for this. All we wanted was out beautiful baby boy to take home and wrap him in our arms. The questions of what our future holds and what the big picture is. I know there's a big picture I just wish I knew what it was right now.
I did get a chance to talk with a lovely lady that has gone threw a similar situation a few years back. Like we both said it was a group we didn't ask to join, we were chosen. It was nice to talk to someone who understands the struggles and fears that come with the loss of your child. Its a different kind of loss/grief. The loss of a family member is generally a habit of life. You live your life,get old and move on to the next part of your journey. But losing a child before they even had a chance to live their life is something completelly different. There are so many residual effects that come with it. There's a stigma that we are self contained and don't want to talk about what happened.
I feel like a lot is happening/going to happen and I just need to brace myself for the ride and remind myself to stop, enjoy it, have patience and not worry about whats ahead. It is what it is and it will come in its time.

Red Rock '15 - Getting Ready

Red Rock Camp is here… actually it started yesterday. I’m very excited and yet a little apprehensive to go. Now I’m super excited, am every year. I have been going since I was in like the 6th grade – that makes it like 15 years. The people there have become my extended family and love them to pieces. Now the apprehensive part comes from Trysten…of course. With Bugs she has spent her whole life there, literally. I was 4 months pregnant with her the first time she was there ;) and now it’s been 7yrs. Trysten wasn’t able to be there at all. I didn’t get pregnant till July and then born in February. We are only able to take him in thought.
I would like to say the strength is there that it’s not going to “effect” my week. But I know that’s not going to be the case and honestly nor would I want it to. This week I want to take the time, be over flowed in my faith and remember Trysten in his beauty and joy. Remember him all week. For those of you that will be there with me I apologize in advanced that I’ll probably be a sobbing mess a lot of the time. Not in sadness, so don’t worry, but in joy and remembrance. Basking in the gifts and love that Red Rock has given me throughout the years and the gift that God gave me by blessing our family with Trysten. I cant wait to see what God has in store for this week 😀.

Out of Order Today

“How are you?” …such an easily thrown out there and used question. Sometimes you want to ask do you want the cordial answer or the real answer?
The answer that some days it’s a struggle to not burst into tears? That though time has passed it still feels like it happened this morning. That no I may not want to talk to you but it’s not because you did anything but because I’m holding back tears or might just scream. That I really don’t care what you have going on that you think is a major deal right now because I’m still dealing with the fact my son is not here. I don’t get to kiss his face or hold him tight. That everything I see, hear or thought I have today is a slap in the face reminder. That I might get easily frustrated with little things because I struggle that it’s not as easy to shake off sometimes as I would like. That I know I have to continue on with my day and life but sometimes I just want to call in sick to everything. Sorry I’m out-of-order today. That emotions literally feel like gut rot and nothing will fix it. The worst part knowing that this struggle is never going to go away…it’s always going to be there. Though it may ease a little and some days will be really great…it will also still sometimes find its way back to the surface and leave me feeling broken.
It’s not my “problem” it’s my emotion. It’s not something that can be cured but something that is lived with. I don’t mean to be frustrated but I also didn’t request this struggle. It’s a life changing event and sometimes life doesn’t agree with continuing on after it.

Loving Me...

I'm not sure what flipped the switch....but it happened and I'm good with that :).  I honestly and genially am happy with myself.  Now that may sound dumb...and I don't say it being conceded or anything like I'm perfect. There are still things like everyone else that I would change....wish my butt was a little bigger, my legs and belly toned, my face would quit breaking out, had a little more energy and not so procrastinating....yada yada. But right now none of that seems to matter.  I look in the mirror and Im just happy.  Glad to be me. I'm not sure what made this change. Was it the change in my hair color because I love it so much...was it just a growth thing, learning to love myself and enjoy who I am..?  Maybe the increase in social activities/plans...  Maybe its the summer air.  I don't know but it's good :)

Bugs' Greif Growth

I always knew, since I started thinking about having kids when I was younger, that I wanted my kids to have years in-between. I had said I wanted 5 years. Partial for the first born to be old enough to have fun being the older sibling, close enough though that they would still have fun together when they got older and also for me, that I wouldn’t feel like I was paying attention to one more than the other. So when I had the second the first would be in school so I would have that time to extra dote on the second and then be able to give more attention to the first when they got home from school. Yeah that probably sounds a little bit/way too planned for something like this but that was my idea. I was lucky that God had the same plan for me...I thought at first…but he had something a little different planned out. I was still blessed with babies aged apart how “I” had planned but his reasoning was not the same. Where I thought I would have time to dote on each in their time he knew that I needed my Princess to be a little older when we met Trysten. That Bugs being the age she is was going to give her the chance to meet, know and remember (which is key for me) her brother. That though it was going to be a struggle for all of us, including her, it would be a joy for all of us to do it together. As much as it pains me when it is happening I feel blessed and blessed for Bugs that she has been able to experience a love so strong that she still remembers and will stay with her all her life.
We have been experiencing the struggles for her a little more now than before, which is not a bad thing. As we have been doing more things with Angee’s boyfriend’s daughter (whom we will call Puppy  ) Bugs is seeing all the things that she’ll miss with Trysten. She is such a big sister to Puppy (which is amazing!) but it does hit her every now and then what a sister does with a sibling. Last weekend all of us were at Moms and we had a blast, but there were a few times that we (Bugs & I) had to take a moment and reflect. I feel blessed that she is old enough to understand and to learn that it is okay to just feel sad and cry sometimes. That we are close enough that we can just cry together and she knows that even though something sad happened to us and we won’t ever forget it we can also remember the joy it brought us. The thing that brings me the most joy is that she feels comfortable enough to talk about Trysten and what happened. That even when she draws family photos she includes Trysten, with us and in heaven. Though we had something dear to us taken away…I still feel so blessed.