Today...A Week

Today...Today our son would have been a week old, but instead he is a week away from our arms. Though I know it's selfish to wish he were here instead of happy and struggle free in heaven but I do. I think the hardest part is knowing what I should be doing right now. Having had Bugs first I know how amazing it is to hold my little wonder. To sooth them when they cry. Even changing dirty diapers, there’s just nothing like it. But since we aren’t able to do that it leaves you feeling quite empty and unfulfilled. It’s like having an idea for a painting in your head but never actually pulling out a paintbrush.

Today instead of being wrapped up in the joy of our son’s daily growth, we picked up his ashes. This wonderful baby that once fit in your arms…now fits in a tiny 2.5” urn. Though in the days that pass it seems to get easier to talk about what happen. You get over the hurt and sadness and bask again in the joy we had when we brought him into this world and got to hold him for a short time. On the flip side it gets a little harder and harder realizing the things we won’t do. The things Bugs won’t be able to teach him. I know it’s no use wondering about the things that could have been, but at the same time it’s hard to just let all that go all at once. It’s a process that you have to daily work at. I feel very blessed to have so much family/friends support with us in this process. I feel most blessed I have an amazing guy next to me to hold my hand and be strong when I’m can’t. Not only was he the best during labor but continues to be during these rough times. Though we’re both hurting and struggling to get through, we find a way to be there for each other and still smile and laugh during this time. I’m also very glad for Bugs and her continued bright, bubbly joy. She has her moments that it hits her Trystens not coming home but for the most she’s pretty amazing. She’s still the best big sister, always conscious of his things and checking what’s going on with them. I had his dog she gave him from the hospital and she was very concerned why it wasn’t still with him. When I explained to her we now had him with us, it was a little odd for her at first but she seemed to understand and was joyed that he was back with us. It’s all a process but one we’re working through together.