anxiety feels...

I don’t mean the “I’m running late for work” anxiety, I’m talking about the kind that overcomes you. The kind that won’t just shake off. Simply…it hurts. You could be going along with your day, feeling just fine and then it just creeps up on you and hits like a sledgehammer. I didn’t even see it coming yesterday. Woke up feeling, honestly…., pretty great. Sent Bugs off to school, sent Barry to work and got ready for my day. Had big plans for the day . First stop Jaime, Target, Macy’s, eye doctor, Ashley, maybe get some tea then back home. Nowhere in that the bright sun shined filled horizon (literally it was beautiful out yesterday) did I see getting hit by the anxiety bomb. I wasn’t worried about anything in particular, I didn’t feel like crying, I was honestly feeling good about where I was. Looking back there were things that went wrong but I wasn’t feeling anxious or even really upset about them. The anxiety just took a major life of its own yesterday. The devil really tried to get me. So yes there were some bumps yesterday, as you may know from Facebook. If you don’t here’s the quick replay.
Target – sent 200 photos from the kiosk through the 1hr photo, got there to pick them up and they told me they had no paper. Now yes there was a small sign on the kiosk that said no 5x7”…I didn’t order 5x7”s I ordered 5x5” and 3x5”s. apparently they don’t have all individual sized paper and must use all 5x7”s to print those out. Doesn’t make sense to me but that’s the impression I got.
Macy’s/Origins – had a coupon for a free sample, walked in no sample there. The Macy’s one apparently does not honor the Origins direct coupons, it has to be a Macy’s coupon. Not cool Macy’s.
Eye doctor – went in at 1:25 to see if I could get in early (my appointment was for 1:40). The lady at the desk said the doctor was actually running late and it would be more like 1:50. I told her I would just come back in a little bit. … Time pass, long enough for Macy’s to tell me they wouldn’t take my coupon. … I got back 1:50/55 latest, she told me I was late and the doctor had gone on lunch. WHAT!? Ok whatever I have to go back up Thursday, I will come then.
Then I went to see Ashley, talked way longer than she probably should have ;) no big was feeling good. We had some tea and even felt spontaneous and got Mom a new straightener.
Nowhere in that mix did I have a clue of what was coming. Started driving to pick up Bugs and it started to hit. Kind of like the feeling you get when you drink too much coffee or something. You get that kind of caffeine tingle I guess I would call it. Stomach starts to be pained like someone is squeezing or pushing on it hard. That pain that nothing seems to ease except putting pressure on it, I shove my elbow into it. Then the headache, chest/limb pain and exhaustion starts setting in. The kind that makes you feel like you can’t even make a simple decision, you just want to take some Tylenol and try and sleep it off. By the time I picked up Bugs I decided I wasn’t going to cook because I was probably going to wreck it or burn myself in the process so we went out. I had to try and be functional enough to get through dinner but keep to myself and not make my anxiety worse. It’s not fun for anyone if that happens, everyone just gets frustrated and mad. After Bugs went to bed I tried to “relax” and just watch a little TV. I just couldn’t shake the weight so I tried to go to bed. That never really works, unless you’re going to take something that knocks you out. Laying there you feel like your whole body is being shaken but your laying still. You close your eyes and they just roll around and you feel like you’re floating (not in the fun way) and can’t come down and settle. The only thing that semi helps luckily is when we snuggle in and Barry wraps his arms around me. It’s like an anchor that keeps me level. And though the feelings don’t go away instantly I can slowly feel them easing away. There’s usually still a wrestles night with short breaths ahead but at least the others things start to go away.
Most people don’t realize how debilitating anxiety really can be. I know I didn’t till it happened to me. I was always like “really just chill, everything will work out”. And yes I still believe that. Everything does work out for something in the end and usually things aren’t as bad as it feels when you’re feeling like your being suffocated. But this is also a different kind of anxiety than just the bills need to be paid. A kind that your head and heart could be just fine but the anxiety tries to take you over.

Weekend at Moms

Well got away for a bit this weekend...a little change of scenery.  Went out to Moms with Ang & the fam after having dinner with Barb & Jerry.  It was a fun weekend. Spent Friday night chatting, a lot of laughing and playing some terribly hard kids games ha. Well just the one, Headbanz, was hard. I was not good at it at all ha.  But it was fun none the less and that's what counts.  

Then Saturday was a lazy morning, then we decided to go to La Crosse. The girls (Mom, Ang and I) went in one car and the boys+Bugs (Barry, Dave and Bradey) went in the other ;) they went to Chuck E Cheese. We walked around La Crosse a bit. Stopped at a little tea shop and then did some pottery painting and then got some dinner.  We had the worst time trying to find somewhere to eat. We were unaware there was a Badgers game on...yeah every bar/resturant was packed. Finally we thought we got lucky. Coconut Joes opened at 7 and we were the first ones in! That high didn't last long...they don't sell food.  WTH.  No food at all!? So we went to the Mexican place across the street, got it to go and brought it back to Joes to have a drink ha.  We decided to do a shot and told the guy to come up with something good and funky - Zombie Brain.  Sounds like it would be harsh. Like mixing tequila and whiskey or something but it wasn't and was actually pretty good. The only thing that threw us was the cream (makes the brain look) it kinda stops ya when you're drinking it and makes you think you're supposed to chew it ha. We had a good time though.

  Then Sunday was lazy Sunday :)  Get up and have some breakfast and mosey on home.   It was a good change up. Get out for a bit and laugh. 

Thanks Dad!

I'm so happy and excited. My Dad got Trysten bracelets and window decals 😄. They turned out amazing. I'm so glad he thought of it.  

If you want one let me know.  Otherwise we will also have them at the celebration of life get together (thinking April 18th). 

Blog. Grief. Tea. Growth.

Today was a day of exploration…on the internet ha. So I started this blog to keep our family updated on the progress of Trysten and since he passed it’s now become an outlet to work through my thoughts and let others know they’re not alone in their struggle. With that I have immersed myself into learning more about blogging and other blogs referencing grief support. Something productive to work through my grief.
Today I have come across a few great websites. Some great and relating stories. One site being Faces Of Loss, doesn’t sound like a good site but it’s filled with stories from men and women who have also suffered a loss of a child. There is comfort that comes with sharing your story and knowing you’re not alone in your feelings & struggles. That there is a community of people working through understanding and living with the emotions like you. A blog post that says it well was “20 things that baby loss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t”. #1 hits it on the spot! You do clearly see the before and after. Your life changes in an instant, it’s not really something you can’t ignore or act like it didn’t happen. #2 makes me laugh, but it’s true. I’m sure we can all think of a few things on our list ;) We all understand it just comes with the struggle to figure out what to say, just doesn’t always come out as well. #3 is for sure. I’ve always checked Bugs breath, since she was a baby, but seem to check now a little more. Sometimes you do feel a little crazy, almost paranoid. Guess every large experience in your life brings on a few new behaviors.
Another site I stumbled upon and am pretty excited about. I came across a tea site. Now if you know me you know I love tea! This especially grew with my pregnancy with Trysten, drank tea even more . There’s nothing a good cup a tea can’t help with. So when I came across Teamotions it stuck my interest and emotion and I had to order some right away. Tea for the emotional well-being. It was breathed with life from the desire to comfort a hurting sister. I am so excited to try it. I ordered the Courage Tea, Plum Spice Rooibos, because even though people tell me how courageous I am…I don’t always feel that way.

Sleepless...

Guess tonight is one of those nights...sleepless.  I'm not sure which is better - try and lay here hoping my brain will shut off or get up and do something. There's this overwhelming anxiety hanging over me and I'm not sure what's all causing it. Maybe the thoughts of how fast a month has gone by already.  I've been in such a daze I really wasn't paying attention to the days so it's all kind of a blur as to where it went.  Or is it over thinking  about making plans this weekend...wanting to do something special Friday since that was Trystens "due date" and thinking about attempting to go out with friends..?  The later being the one hurdle I wish I could get over sooner rather than later. I have the desire to go out, I miss my friends. But thinking and actually doing it seems so daunting. It races my heart just writing it out.  I don't know the best way to solve it. Do I just need some more time or do I say "screw you body/brain you don't know nothin, I'm going out" and just kind of force myself.  I feel like I went to bed one night 26 and woke up 36. Like what I have observed as that lul-in between time. When you're not in your 20's fun nights out but you haven't hit that later 40's second wind. There's that lul period in your 30's you're like "I'm too tired from work and kids...going out with friends ha". Which of course isn't the case for everyone but from observations that's the feeling Im having. Like in want nothing more to stay home.  I don't need to go out and socialize... Hmm guess that'd be one of those red flags when you go see your doctor and they're like "have you had any mood changes lately"...guess it's a good thing I'm going to talk to someone about all this next week...

Putting My Suitcase Away

Today I finally cleaned out my suitcase, from the hospital. It’s only been sitting there for a month. It wasn’t that it was majorly packed or anything. Like it was going to be a long task to unpack it, I just didn’t want to. There was a sort of cloud over it. Feeling like if I unpacked that would be the last of our time. The end of the chapter. I’m not ready for that. I know that that’s really not the case. Trysten will live with us forever but it feels like if we really close that chapter than its saying goodbye to a little piece of him. Though there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and the joy he brought to all of our lives.

Wednesday Rerun

Honestly Wednesday's are just not my days. They are not good to me at all. Doesn't help that those days seem to be the days we have to go to the funeral home for things, but hopefully that is checked off the list. 

Waking up on Wednesdays though is like those movies where the people keep waking up on the same day over and over. Without noticing, cuz sometimes my days are all over the place, or consciously thinking about it my mind starts to replay every thing from the day our son was born (Wednesday morning). It's not that I want to forget because it is a beautiful memory and one that I cherish. But right now it's still hard to fully ejpnjoy the beauty without  the sadness that try's to drownd it. 

Yesterday we went and saw my doctor and chatted about how crazy that morning was. We filled her in on what all happened (family/friends wise) and how things were going since.  We laughed about how fast baby progressed and came out. :)   It was good to smile, even if it was just for a little while. 

So I am taking people's advice and sitting down to talk with a specialist.  I'm a little hesitant because I'm not sure how it's going to go, what I'm going to say...but maybe it'll help. Especially for my anxiety because for me right now that's what I struggle with the most. I seem to be able to at least fake it through the looking normal ("fake it till you make it" right?) but my anxiety is what over takes me. Though I'm able to do things every now and then, the anxiety is crippling and exhausts me. I guess we will find out the beginning of April.  

Remembering To Enjoy...

This getting back to "normal" life is still a work in progress.  I try/do it because for my family I have to. Bugs needs to know that just because something happened that we would have preferred not to doesn't change how life was or that it still goes on. So things like Wednesday night need to keep happening since Bugs is used to it, even though it sends my anxiety crazy.   I also don't want to hold Barry back/keep him from doing things because of my issues. I have come to the conclusion I need to find something else to help me get back to me.  

I have come to realize one thing I do struggle with is being Mom. Though I lost one I didn't lose both of my babies. I don't mean in the sense of wanting to ignore Bugs or something down that road...but more so feeling enjoyment again out of the little things. The energy/drive I had the first week home has since ran away. I dont know what happened. I had this energy and drive to do things around the house, play/read with Bugs but now it seems hard to pull myself together to even take her to the park. And I HATE that. Even trying to plan things as a family I feel myself getting lost halfway through and wanting to cry. Somehow I will just have to force my way through one step at a time. I will just have to make lists and force myself to try to finish things and see if that helps.  Simple things like doing a load of laundry or make some muffins. Things to keep reminding myself I'm still here and love and enjoy it.  

Starting with family night tonight :) Bugs and I snuggled and watch The Great Mouse Detective, helped Daddy a little outside and then all came in to snuggle for family slumber party in the living room. Which you of course can't have without some funny dog and cat fail videos. 

Getting out for some laughs...?

Makeup...helps me look a little more "normal".

Being in public I feel like a clown with a smile painted on. Yes there are times the smiles/laughs are real but a lot of the time it’s hiding the tears being held back.

So Saturday night we went out with some friends (people Barry went to school with). Like I said before getting out is not very easy for me but I have to try if I want to get sort of normal and I knew Barry wanted to go, so we did. It brought me comfort that we were going with Tif and his girlfriend, I feel comfortable with them, so I knew even if things got awkward/hard I could talk to them and try to ignore it. And they know the whole story so if I had a breakdown they know what’s up.
My anxiety started up from the beginning, going out to dinner with everyone. I was just hoping no one brought it up, I wanted to try and be as normal as possible or at least act like it. Good thing was no one brought it up. Made it through dinner... Then we got to the comedy show and that's where it really started to get hard. We met another couple there who just had another baby and people were asking "how's parenthood, again?" Ouch. For me it was just a reminder of what we don't get to do right now :/ But I think I hid it ok that no one realized the tears I was fighting back. Then we went up to the show. It was a great show, some very funny comedians, so funny I had to buy their CDs (Jeff Bodart & Stewart Huff). But in the middle of the show I looked over and saw an old friend. Which was cool because I haven't seen him in a while but also was another stab to the heart because the first thing that came to mind was the pictures of his family welcoming their second baby. I couldn't even bring myself to say hi.

After the show some of us went to get some pie. I mean it was 3/14/15 after all ;).
Honestly this was the hardest part and made me feel extremely fake. So there were 4 couples that went, girls sat at one table and guys at another right next to us. We had some great conversation, which was good for me…but I wasn't sure who all knew about our situation and of course parent/baby talk came up. Two of us have had baby's and the other two had not so when like labor and stuff got brought up, there was obviously a complete difference from Bugs and Trysten, it was hard not to say anything. I just kept referring to Trysten as "this time" :( I didn't want to start crying or make people feel uncomfortable so I didn't want to draw complete attention to the subject that people would ask how he was doing or such but also wanted to join the conversation...I wanted to be involved/normal but it felt so fake at the same time. Then I just felt stupid…my brains still not completely connecting right so I get stuck in mid conversation. I ordered cheese cake and the whole night every time I went to say cheesecake it would not come out. I’m really just still having trouble getting my brain to focus, connect and feel like I can interact with people in a normal sense.

I'm a wreck still some days

Some days are still a wreck. Yesterday….was one of those days. I was a major wreck across the board. It’s good because I know I need it to work through things but it’s not the greatest feeling and makes me feel out of control. My head gets so fogged and headache filled that it’s sometimes hard to even form sentences. It drains all of my energy. I went through the basket of things from the hospital. Getting rid of the papers that we didn’t need and making sure there wasn’t anything we needed to attend to sitting in there. What brought on the tears were the papers of life. His baptism and brief life certificate with his little foot prints. It broke me down. I wanted to touch is wiggling toes, make him giggle. It honestly didn’t help either I was naughty. By naughty I mean I watched two videos I know I shouldn’t have. Before I say this I want to make it known that I am so happy for these people, it’s just extremely hard to hear/watch being where I am. I saw a couple stories/videos of baby miracles. The one that really hit me and kind of really wrecked me for the rest of the day was a story about a baby that was said to have passed but after some chest to chest contact and a miracle from God he started to wake up. Now I feel so wonderful for those people (the boy now 5 years old) and even more so because I would never even think about wishing this pain onto anyone…it’s more so a regret on my side. Even though I know if a miracle was going to happen it would have no matter what we had done, but it’s a small regret that I have that we didn’t give him any real skin to skin contact before he passed. At the time things were happening so fast, emotions were crazy and at the beginning he had the air tube. I also wanted to share him with all of our family over being greedy and keeping him for myself, and I don’t regret that at all. He is loved by so many and it makes me happy they were able to enjoy him while he was with us.
It’s all just a work in progress. I’m so thankful I have such a wonderful guy to work through this with. He knows when I just need some space to deal and strong arms to squeeze around me and let me cry then helps me laugh again. I’m not sure what I would do without him!

Making it in Public

It’s surprising how hard it still is for me to go out in public. For someone who was never a big fan of staying home…that’s all I want to do now. Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I sit home all day and wallow/hide in a closet. Mainly having time to reflect on our son and enjoy Bugs in a new way. Also getting things done around the house that have been on my list for ages (it’s a slow process, my belly and stuff still bug me, but little things like going through boxes and actually making our home look like a home and not a frat house), doing laundry and even cooking. Yeah that’s right this girl now actually cooks. But going out in public, especially in a small town, just sends my anxiety through the roof. Even going to Crunchys (On The Crunchy Side, which is our favorite) is a task. Every time I hear the door open my panic sets in that it’s going to be someone that knows us and wants to give their condolences. Even more so the grocery store or Kwik Trip…not fun! It’s hard enough to get through a day without wanting to cry let alone going somewhere and having 4 people stop you and remind you. Now I know that sounds horrible and ungrateful… I know all these people care and that’s why they stop you and want to give their condolences. I’m just still working on handling it. Even going to school to pick up Bugs, two weeks later people are still stopping me. I had a lady stop me yesterday and had mentioned she had no idea… Well thank you for your condolences and such but if I may ask how would you have known? I honestly haven’t talked to you in like 2 years and it’s not like we walked up and down the streets screaming about our son’s kidney trouble. I mean honestly. You only know I had a baby because it was in the paper, because I don’t think I even saw you while I was pregnant and it wasn’t on Facebook. It makes you uncomfortable (I know because I can sense the unknowing of what to say) and it makes me uncomfortable, especially when you continue to try and make conversation. Just give me a smile, that’s all that’s needed. Especially from those who I know have kids. I know the pain you’re trying to imagine if it were you who had lost your child. You don’t need to try and explain it. You don’t need to say you’re sorry. Unless you put a curse on me to take my child, it is not your fault to be sorry for. It is a part of life. We lose everyone we love at some point or another, and if we don’t lose them they lose us. We just happen to lose our son a little earlier than most. We’re not alone in this battle though. If you don’t know the pain of losing someone then you’re not really living. Living is to have loved and to feel that pain of lose you have to have loved.

Barry is so much stronger though than I am. I don’t know how he goes to work every day. Now I suppose after you saw everyone things would go back to normal…but I don’t want to see them, and I do mean that in the nicest way possible. I just want to remember the joy of my son and not continue for other people to remind me he’s not here…I’m reminded enough by the quiet emptiness in my house. The overly clean clothes my son won’t have a chance to wear.

“I will hold you in my dreams every night until then. “ Sleepy Hallow

Grieving and Growing

Though each day is still a struggle I know I am growing and learning more how to love. I daily look at the sign I purchased when my Uncle Jeff suddenly passed, “Today may not be good but there’s something good in every day.”

I find this to be true even more so every day. Like today. Like most days if it were an option I would just stay in bed all day, never leave, but that’s not. Bugs needs to go to school, I need to be there for her and Barry and I also need to take care of myself and not get lost in the grief that tries to overtake me. The good in today already was getting up to take Bugs to school for Books and Breakfast. We spent some time the two of us to have muffins/cinnamon roll and read some books at school. Though there were tons of other people there it felt like it was just us.

After I sent her to class with many kisses and hugs I was off to meet Deb for some coffee and catching up. By catching up I mean hugs, pictures and Deb reminding me of all the wonderful things :) . She said words were spoken to her in that I would be a help to others who are struggling with loss. Though I am still working things out myself I hope this is true (that is why I started this blog, for my grieving process and to help others).
When she left I stayed behind to do some web surfing. My plan was to look at design things…of course as most times surfing I got distracted. I went to send an email, which brought to view all the daily digests of my pregnancy signups. Since my son was born I went through to unsubscribe and then figured I’d change my information on BabyCenter.com…when you remove a pregnancy it pops up with information/sources about losing your baby and honoring a baby who dies. I’m so glad I got distracted. Though I didn’t feel like I needed ‘help’ with how to honor/remember our son, it did validate all the things I am and hope to do. I didn’t know October 15th was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Quote from the site says, "Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss … and to help families live with their loss, not 'get over' their loss." This is too true and what I hope to help others with and what Deb brought up. I said when we first found out I went looking for ‘support’, find out what others had to say about the disease and their story…there wasn’t any. I wanted to put our story out there to hopefully help someone else that may experience this in the future or who has and is looking to know they’re not alone. Like Zapanta said, “…we want to talk about it.” We never will ‘get over’ the loss of our son/brother and I wouldn’t want to. He is a part of our lives even if it isn’t in flesh. We still knew him and loved him, why should we just forget that. I feel most joyful that we were able to have some time with him. We were able to take pictures, hold him and make little mementos, our family tree and our molds. We will always remember that and have that time to look back on. February 25th will always be a special day for our family.

***
Guess I was at the coffee shop a while ;), Deb stopped back for lunch…with a little baby :). When everything first happened I thought for a long time I would have a hard time seeing little babies. That’s luckily not the case. Though it’s not the easiest it still brings a smile to my face and I’m drawn to them. I still want to see their cute little face as they walk by, wrap them up in my arms and take it all in. Babies are so precious it’s just a joy that comes over me. Even though I wish I could hold my little Trysten again, I take in the joy of holding others. All the smiles and noises they make. I guess it’s like getting back on the horse when you fall off…

Sons on my heart:
Held, Natalie Grant
Another Day, Natalie Grant
*** Actually the whole Awaken CD :) I have been drawn to this CD since I first saw her in concert many years ago...but now the message/comfort has changed some.
Better Hands Now, Natalie Grant
*** A new one to me today, but words spoken to my heart.
Be Still & Know - Bridge City

Today...A Week

Today...Today our son would have been a week old, but instead he is a week away from our arms. Though I know it's selfish to wish he were here instead of happy and struggle free in heaven but I do. I think the hardest part is knowing what I should be doing right now. Having had Bugs first I know how amazing it is to hold my little wonder. To sooth them when they cry. Even changing dirty diapers, there’s just nothing like it. But since we aren’t able to do that it leaves you feeling quite empty and unfulfilled. It’s like having an idea for a painting in your head but never actually pulling out a paintbrush.

Today instead of being wrapped up in the joy of our son’s daily growth, we picked up his ashes. This wonderful baby that once fit in your arms…now fits in a tiny 2.5” urn. Though in the days that pass it seems to get easier to talk about what happen. You get over the hurt and sadness and bask again in the joy we had when we brought him into this world and got to hold him for a short time. On the flip side it gets a little harder and harder realizing the things we won’t do. The things Bugs won’t be able to teach him. I know it’s no use wondering about the things that could have been, but at the same time it’s hard to just let all that go all at once. It’s a process that you have to daily work at. I feel very blessed to have so much family/friends support with us in this process. I feel most blessed I have an amazing guy next to me to hold my hand and be strong when I’m can’t. Not only was he the best during labor but continues to be during these rough times. Though we’re both hurting and struggling to get through, we find a way to be there for each other and still smile and laugh during this time. I’m also very glad for Bugs and her continued bright, bubbly joy. She has her moments that it hits her Trystens not coming home but for the most she’s pretty amazing. She’s still the best big sister, always conscious of his things and checking what’s going on with them. I had his dog she gave him from the hospital and she was very concerned why it wasn’t still with him. When I explained to her we now had him with us, it was a little odd for her at first but she seemed to understand and was joyed that he was back with us. It’s all a process but one we’re working through together.

Our Son, A Month Early

So there's a lot to update since the last time I actually blogged. I had started on one that was going through all the things I had done over my birthday weekend (Feb 22nd). It was quite a lot. I hadn't even realized how much till Sunday night when my body wasn't happy with me. From not sleeping a whole ton from baby kicks starting Thursday night then going out to eat Friday night out to dinner. Which from here doesn't seem like much...then we hit Saturday, where I got up early (well for a Saturday) and started cleaning, then Mom came over to help me manage Bugs room (it was bad ha) - we got rid of 2 boxes full of stuff. Then we went out for lunch. When we got back I figured I should take a nap before the night, that lasted like maybe an hour, then it was to get ready for my birthday dinner. I think what really set it off was sitting and playing Cards Against Humanity for 5 hours on wooden chairs. Add about 3 hours of sleep to that, breakfast, standing and chatting for 1.5hr. I know looking back "you idiot"... but it all just happened then the rest of Sunday was driving. 

 By Sunday evening I was feeling pretty sick & nauseous/trouble breathing/sharp pain in my shoulder/headache and then about 11 or so I finally puked and made Barry take me to the ER… (after calling the doc and talking to a friend that is a nurse and who just had a baby that dealt with kind of the same thing – she was in labor) They did a few tests, gave me some Maylox to see if it was acid reflex. Didn’t really do much for me but by that time they said if it didn’t they were talking about doing like a CT scan to check for a clot… I just wasn’t up for that. Barry and I were so tired, it was like 2am. They did do an EKG thing and that looked fine, baby’s heart rate was good, my blood pressure and oxygen was good so I’m like I think it was just pressure from the baby. Which the baby was very active, probably from me being so active he was like hey quit that… even though when I was “relaxing” baby was still wiggling a bunch – reasoning of not sleeping much for the last few days. As I was laying there I could feel my chest kind of tense up when a “contraction” would happen so I think baby was just moving so much and since there's no water all of it feels like contractions if he rolls and it all just settled/settling in my chest. It was mainly the shoulder pain and nausea that was buggin me since it wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. The I ate and drank water/sprite for the nausea and barry tried to massage my shoulder like 4 times and that didn’t fix it.

 Everything seemed normal Monday...then Tuesday! I was awaken at 5:30am with cramping, by the time I got up and headed to work it was still going on but all over the place. I tried to keep track of them (yay for apps) and they were very sporadic. So I kept on my day. Made it through work then headed to dance class with Bugs. By the time we got home and I had a chance to lay down they were getting stronger. When I put Bugs to bed they were pretty strong but still sporadic. I figured it was like Sunday again, when you look up all the stuff on when to go to the doctor it says 60sec long, 5 minutes apart. Well mine varied from 30 sec to 1.15 every 7-11min --- come to find later it's not about the time it's about the intensity! whaaaaaaa it should say that online ha. Now if you ask why I didn't know before, I was induced with Bugs and had the epidural pretty soon (back issues and labor don't mix). So I went on with the night...tired to lay down and sleep some, then it happened......Bugs got sick. I jumped up to help her and BAM it all started to roll. Think I had like 3 contractions while standing there with her puking. Took care of her, got her situated and then went in and told Barry, it was time to roll out - good thing we had just finished packing literally that night. Barry jumped in the shower quick, got Bugs ready to go and bags to the door and were on our way. Called Mom told her to get up there. By the time we got up there the contractions were getting pretty fierce. They put me in a starter room to get my vitals and check how far I was... I was 4cm. She said they were going to move us to a labor room and I was like could you have an epidural waiting for me there :) Even though I was doing good they were getting stronger and it was starting to feel like my spine was going to explode out. Which only increased the stronger my contractions went. Barry laughed at me because the last few contractions I was like "oh shit...oh craps..." might have thrown the 'f' out a few times ;) it helped me keep breathing. You can't talk without breathing and I didn't have to remind myself :) Almost made Barry pass out with my hand squeezing ha. - you know how you always see in videos/such the ladies yelling at their guy "I hate you! You did this to me!" Even though I was in pain pretty good, at no time did those thoughts ever cross my mind. I think I even said "I love you". I was just so happy to be there, be meeting our baby.-  

But I got the epidural just in time. They gave me a local also I think which was very helpful, I was ready for a nap after ha. Then the doc came in...checked me and I was 9cm and ready to head to the push room, we were in a different room that was right next to the NICU room. 

Some laughs and a little pushing and our precious baby boy was born. They took him to the next room to get started... Barry and Ang went with him, Mom and I soon to follow when they cleaned up. By the time they wheeled me in he was all hooked up to the machines, they were doing their tests and had him with a breathing tube. 

We had our decision to make - keep trying or take our time with him while we have it. We decided it was as it was and we wanted Bugs and our family to be able to see and enjoy his presence before he passed. We were lucky to have 6hrs of time with him and enjoyed every second. We have been overwhelmed by the amount of support not only from family/friends but many others. We will never be able to thank everyone enough.