Emotional Ride

I have found myself falling into a deeper rut then I think I felt when we first lost Trysten. The struggle of still trying to figure things out, understand the magnitude of losing him and finding ways to still be involved in life. I’ve been hitting the emotional wall a lot lately. That sense that you have to stop what you are doing, throw your hands up, cover your face and just try and breath. The feeling of “what am I even doing right now? I know I’m doing something because I’m moving or sitting at my desk working…but I’m honestly not sure what I’m physically doing.” Just going through the motions unknowingly blindly. I also seem to be more apt to emotional melt downs, and the reasoning’s/emotions behind them all vary. Like Saturday for example I was getting ready for our friend’s wedding and feeling honestly pretty cute  my makeup fell into place just right, I put my extensions in and curled my hair. I was feeling good about myself……………..until I went to find something to wear. Meltdown alert!!! I already know Trysten stretched my stomach out pretty good, and especially pretty low so I still can’t wear my normal pants…but dresses? Come on! Give a girl a break! All of them I was putting on were too tight and ill-fitting. There was nothing I could do but cry. I tried to hold it back seriously telling myself you’re going to have to do your makeup all over again and there is no time…but that lasted like 2 minutes and I just let it go. Just get it out and over with. Meltdown 2 that day was during the wedding. Now this meltdown was a I feel horrible and sad, it was a happy one. The guy was going through his thing talking about the joys and trials of life and going through them together and I couldn’t stop thinking about Trysten, and how amazing Barry was and has been for me through this. Those were good emotions but I didn’t want to be the crazy lady crying hysterically at the wedding, it’s not like it was Jaime getting married or something. Then Kevin had to have this amazing best man speech, which me in my emotional state I was, just sent me over ha.
One of the ladies in our MCDK Angels group posted an article today, What I Wish More People Understood About Losing A Child. I feel like this article pretty much nailed it. This lady went to a support group and the leader started it off with saying “…that dues to belong to the club are more than anyone would ever want to pay.”, he couldn’t be more right. We didn’t ask for this, it’s something that God decided was in his plan for us. It’s something we have to work through and become stronger from. We can’t change that, we can only grow. In the article she shares 5 tips to help support grieving parents. I think she did a great job with picking these. Very straight forward. I like that she put in there, and as number 1, remember our children. For me when talking about kids and such I love talking about Trysten as though he isn’t gone. No I’m not delusional and talk like oh he had this much to eat today, but he was here and I still had a connection with him. He spent 35 weeks in my belly, I got to spend some amazing time with him before he passed. He had his own personality and ways about doing things. I feel honored that I got at least that time with him and love being able to talk about it. Like how much he kept to a routine. Though he was in my belly I could tell what time it was by what he was doing and how he was making me feel. . I also like to remember him for Bugs, and am so happy she loves to remember him. I love the pictures she makes and when she’s explaining what’s going on you’ll get the “this is mom, this is dad, this is Robert and he’s playing with Evan…I’m holding Trysten on the swing…”, or something like that. It melts my heart. I’m really glad she was able to go to the Healing Camp provided by Mayo the other weekend (pictures and such on that to come, as I’ve been pretty spacy I haven’t gotten around to taking pictures of all the amazing things they did.).
On a final/exciting note I was so happy to see Ellie and Jared have their baby, Calvin. So yes I know that they don’t know me or such as this, we are not besties or anything. But when you follow someone on YouTube, it’s like your favorite show on TV, you become invested. You hear what they’re going through, the struggles, the joys. Now yes I will admit I didn’t fallow them from the start, Jaime told me about them a little while back but I like binge watched all of them ha. I was right there bawling with her when she found out she was pregnant the second time (remembering how excited I was), the call from the doc saying they would probably miscarry and all that jazz. But like 3 days ago a beautiful baby boy was born! I bawled and bawled watching the video. I cried with joy remembering Trysten’s birth, I cried that he was gone and I cried in joy for them. That though they were told he probably wouldn’t make it, they are now holding a beautiful baby.

makes me angry how I feel inside

Grief is a tortuous thing. Your brain tells you one thing, you know is true, but your heart screams another. I know truly I am so happy for all these people who are announcing they are expecting. It’s an amazing time not only for them but their families. And I am excited to see these babies and hold the ones close to me…that doesn’t change my grief though. It makes me want to scream because these people are having what I want. No this is not a green feeling like the grass is greener in someone else’s lawn or jealous of something someone purchased like a house…it’s the continued ache my heart and empty arms feel.
Now this may sound harsh…and I know these feelings will eventually pass. But this morning was quite hard for me. I had a meltdown in the shower I was so consumed. I love these people and am excited for them (they’re the only ones I get to be an “aunt” with so far) but at the same time they’re getting what I want. Sliding through Facebook this morning and seeing their announcement just hit me like a boulder to the chest. I think it hit harder than others because they are close with us. It’s not like I will just be able to ignore the fact of a growing belly, we’re family, we see each other.
Right now it’s just a fierce weight I’m trying to shake off. Counting down the days even more now till Red Rock! Need some immersive reflection time at the lake with people I’ve grown up worshiping with! Till then it's my Spotify playlist on repeat.

Mother's Day

I'm so proud to be a mother. It's something I have always wanted to be and I was blessed with beautify amazing babies.


I'm also blessed to have my mother. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Bugs. I knew my situation wasn't the most ideal but she was right there with me and just as excited. When others had their doubts that about me having Bugs unmarried at 19, my mom stood by me, supported me and was there to enjoy every part of it with me. She even took me to the hospital, stayed with me and was there to welcome Bugs into the world with me. She was also there for us with Trysten. Got up in the middle of the night, sped to the hospital and was there to document our miracle so everyone could see as much of Trysten as possible. She's pretty great :) *** and yes I'm the favorite ;p


So a month or so ago I started a group on Facebook – MCDK Angels – and I'm so glad I did. Such a strong group of loving women (and a couple men but they haven’t commented at all). I started because I wanted to meet people that were going through the struggles I was. I was part of two MCDK groups that were nice but not what I was looking for. All of the people that were doing any commenting in those groups were people who had questions or comments about their kids living with MCDK. It gave me peace and yet felt like a knife to the eye at the same time. Peace that my son wasn't in that struggle, wasn't dealing with anymore kidney trouble or pain but a knife to the eye that I wasn't able to hold and comfort him anymore. That I won’t get those milestones with him. It just is. With this group though I’ve been able to meet people who are going through the same things I am. The seesaw of emotions. Loving kids but also wanting to burst into tears. We all just have this connection and can be there to empathizes and support one another. Some days are good and some days are not so much but we are able to come together and help each other get through it. Share pictures of our babies and stuggles that may be weighing us down. I think of them daily but they were especially in my heart yesterday on Mother’s Day. The reminders can sting a little bit.
I hope everyone had a joy filled Mother’s Day and was able to smile!

Seeing Babies

Babies are such an amazing thing. If you have one of your own or not you can’t deny how miraculous they are. I have loved being around babies since I was very young. To be honest the reason I went to church when I was younger was to work in the nursery with all the babies  I don’t even mind fussing babies. If I’m holding someone else’s baby and they start fussing and they’re like “you want me to take them?” Nope I’m good. I just marvel in them. This little thing came out of someone and changed everyone’s world for the better and they have no idea. They’re just there soaking in the love and attention.
One thing I thought and was honestly a little worried about when we lost Trysten was that I wasn’t going to be able to look at someone else’s baby the way I always have before. That thought when you’re lying in the hospital bed crying over your child, that every time you see another baby you’re just going to have a meltdown. Yes it is hard. Hard to see other Moms loving their babies and making them smile. Hard to see a mom get frustrated with their child and you want to go up to them and say hey just remember though they frustrate you now…think if they weren’t there anymore –and I know I’m not the only one that has these feelings. Though that part is hard I’m glad my love/draw to babies hasn’t gone away. Yes there are different thoughts that go through my head now than before but I still admire babies that go by and get excited to see them.
I was very lucky Sunday to get to meet little Aaliyah – was so amazing. She was so small and precious. She was only 4 days old  . I couldn’t put her down! Literally ha we had lunch at Applebee’s and I just held her the whole time. Enjoyed that weight and feeling in my arms again. It was so cute to see Bugs with her too. She held Aaliyah a few times, was adorable. We laughed when she said she was heavy but for a six year old I suppose 3lb is a bit of weight, since Trysten was 4+ and Aaliyah was 7+. Really just enjoyed the afternoon with Desi and getting to meet her new little bundle. Still trying to convince her to move down ;) ha.
This whole thing though has really opened my eyes to the things that are worth stressing over. The things that I used to get frustrated over just don’t seem to matter at all anymore. Just a lot more settled and oddly happy.