Saturday, December 26, 2015

Christmas, What We're Missing and Looking Forward To Come.

The best part of Christmas though, the best gift I could and did receive....from my Dad. He got a cute polar bear ornament and put Trysten's bracelet on the back.


Christmas.... Merry Christmas has come and gone I guess sort of. Christmas day is gone but we still have more to go. This Christmas was an off/odd one. For the first time in like ever I actually planned ahead with my gift getting. Normally I'm frantic on the way to Christmas celebrations trying to pickup gift cards and such. This year though I had almost all gifts done and wrapped before we left the house. I only had to pickup one gift card (because I finally decided which I wanted to get), swap a present because someone had already gotten that same one :) and then Cams chicken because I forgot the ones we bought in the freezer in our rush to get on the road - go me! As far as the "Festive Christmas" feel though...it really wasn't there. We didn't put up like any decorations, no tree (which luckily Bugs wasn't too partial to having one), it started because we didn't know where to put it. We also have boxes all over from cleaning/organizing and with Mable we figured she'd get into it more than the cat ha. It just didn't feel much like Christmas for me. I didn't realize it at first as to why but then sitting in evening service it sunk in...I miss Trysten. Last year I was sitting in the same church holding my growing moving belly, listening to the same story and singing the same songs. This year I should be doing the same but also planning presents for a starting to walk little boy. Enjoying his first Christmas. Christmas with him and Bugs, seeing and waiting for Santa to come. I think what made it harder is seeing all the pictures of other little babies on Facebook getting ready for the Holidays. Though they made me smile and excited for them it also reminded me of what we will always miss. Yes that's a really sad thing to think about but it's also the truth. It's the truth we will never be able to get away from. There's also another truth though...if Trysten were here today there is a likely chance we wouldn't be planning for Bugs' little sister. As weird as that sounds, almost trading one for the other...but maybe God has something planned/thought of. I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened, having two babies that close together but it's also something I've never really planned. I like the thought of my babies having some distance. Now 7 years was a little more than I anticipated...but it is whats in God plan is in his plan and it does excite me a bit. Though she was super excited at 5/6, she's even more excited now. She's going to be an amazing big sister again. Even though Trysten's not here in body, she's still the best big sister to him any mother could ask for. She thinks of him all the time and warms my heart. She's so exited to take care of her little sister. Feed, change, play and everything else. Even with other babies she's a super big sis they may not have. Like with J, she just loves that little girl. She talks all the time about babysitting her and if we say we're going to the cities - "are we going to see J?" :) . Makes me so excited. Two months at most and Bugs is going to be the happiest girl in the world. Holy crap two months!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Preannouncement Blogs



6/30Father’s Day we found out we are pregnant again!!! EEK! So excited and terrified at the same time. I’m so excited, why wouldn’t you be. The excitement is in like over drive major. Not only do I want to tell everyone but I also am in major planning mode. I want to get everything setup and ready…I know sounds crazy, I’m only like 5 weeks along. I think though since we didn’t get to with Trysten I have all of those residual excitement/planning that it just adds to this time. The other half of me though is honestly terrified. Not of being pregnant but what could happen. I know, I know….not good to think like that…need to be positive. Yay yay well don’t want to hear it, not that easy. There’s not only the fear that the same thing could happen again but also a million other things… such as any of the other major compilations there is to worry about when first pregnant and haven’t had an ultrasound yet and also the now ever knowing first hand that you don’t know what’s going to happen. We could have a wonderful pregnancy, well a healthy pregnancy – I’m already sick as a dog ha, and for some reason things not work out. Now yes I know these are events that we have no control over and no use I fretting over them because we can’t control them…but those fears are still legit and there. I’m trying my best to keep praying and putting all my faith in God that he will bless us with a healthy baby. Going in though I know whatever time we have with this little bundle we will treasure and are excited.
Now this is not being posted now, and will be later. I’m only 5 weeks….and I honestly don’t want to fully spread the word (even to family) till we know for sure how things are – so like 17-20 weeks. And yes I am going to make my doctor set me up for appointments every week during that time ;) I want to make sure that if it does happen again we know right away so we can be prepared and have a chance to do the things I regret not doing with Trysten. --- I honestly miss him more now than I did before…

8/13/15
I’m now 11 weeks and still trying to shake the sickness. Though it sucks, the nausea all the time, I’m ok with it because I know what’s to come and know that baby is still there. It’s just not fair to others…I’m pretty useless. On the other hand we were going to wait to announce till 17-20 weeks…yeah not really going to work. I’m growing a little faster than I did with Bugs and Trysten, waiting that long will be a little hard to hide it. I have told a few people, you know you just get excited and have to tell someone or you’ll explode but not family yet, well other than Mom (Bugs slipped by accident, and GGHei because they won’t be able to come next Saturday). We are getting super excited though about our announcement party (Aug. 2nd). Really hoping it goes well. Bugs is super excited to have people over to play in the pool. I think I’m most nervous to announce… worried that people won’t be excited but more so give us the “really?” look. Though it is what it is, what God had in the works for us. We said we weren’t going to hinder it (b.c.) but we weren’t going to super try. If God blessed us, he blessed us. I’m so excited but at the same time still waiting for that 16/or so week mark just to make sure baby doesn’t have the same condition as Trysten. Yes I know they say it won’t happen again…but lightning can strike the same place more than once. I don’t want it to seem like I sit home in a corner shaking stressing about it but it is a concern that just reminds myself to enjoy every minute we have incase it’s taken away from us again. From that I will say I’m super excited and this weekend
we’ll hopefully take our announcement picture, exciting!

8/25
Today is six months since Trysten passed. Honestly when it first happened I didn’t think I would make it this far. More so, I knew I would make it “through”, imagining 6 months later was something I just couldn’t see clearly. Being this long without him seemed impossible and still feels like it a little bit. Now looking at it it’s even crazier to think in 6 months/less we will be welcoming another little bundle into our arms. I’m beyond excited and yet terrified. I know Trysten’s kidneys were classified as a by chance happening….but as they say, lightning can strike in one spot more than once. Now yes that probably sounds super skeptical and bad thinking but I think of it more as preparation and reminder to slow down to enjoy every minute. A lot of times when you’re pregnant you think it’s a certain thing. You’re going to grow this baby and things are going to be wonderful and you’re guaranteed to come home with a baby…this isn’t so a lot of the time. I knew before I was even pregnant with Bugs that this is not so. There are many people out there who struggle with infertility or experience miscarriage(s). The bad part is those are both very common and worse is that those aren’t the only thing that could happen. I experienced firsthand when I was younger the high of finding out a baby was growing and then to find out shortly later it didn’t make it, more than once. There are so many things that can happen. Reasons we may never know of why are our babies are taken from us. Even going into labor isn’t a for sure thing as too many have found out. I am so excited to be carrying this bundle, but I am also aware to know that I’m just taking one day and moment at a time. I will be able to fully breath when baby is finally out, in my arms and is healthy. Till then I’ll enjoy my time and growing belly.

10/09
Today we find out…find out what our little bundle is going to be. Well that’s the hopes anyways ha. This is so bitter sweet it’s a little hard to even take in whats happening today. This time a year ago (20weeks) we were going in to see what our little Trysten was going to be. Though we know already that’s not the same situation this time, I requested an ultra sound at 18 to check water levels and kidneys, it doesn’t take away the scared and torn feeling. I’m so excited for this little miracle but it makes me miss Trysten at the same time.
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We're excited to announce we are having a girl! Bugs is a little disappointed right now..she was hoping for a boy. I think that just goes more with what happened with Trysten but I know as time gets closer and stuff she will come to be excited for a sister. We'll all be happy with whichever, just prayers for a healthy baby. I'm so excited for her to be a "big sister", to actually get to experience it, she's amazing with babies.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Supporting Our Kids...

So it's been all over the news/web about the teacher that told the boy he couldn't include a picture of his angel brother in his project. Now I haven't seen her response to the whole thing but I feel so sorry not only for him but for his whole family. Its hard enough struggling as a parent to know the "right" way to handle a situation like that and then to have a teacher, someone who is supposed to support the child, tell him it's wrong to smile at the fact that he had a sibling....   
We we're very lucky with Bugs' teacher and the whole school. We informed her teacher in advance there might be a chance Trysten wouldn't be coming home from the hospital. She was very understanding and willing to support Bugs with what was to come. After we lost Trysten her and a few others from school gave us a little care package including a book, stuffed animal and dinner and welcomed her back to class with wide arms. Bugs was also not only allowed but encouraged to bring photos of Trysten to share at circle time. her friends also knew what happened and were supportive and loving.  We got handmade cards and such from them with drawn pictures of her and her brother. Even now being almost a year since he passed she receives the same support. She misses her brother but she loves talking about him and imagining what he would be doing if he we're still here. I feel so lucky she attends a school that's like an extended family. They understand life happens and to embrace it instead of covering it up.

The worst part in their case is it wasn't something they expected. They didn't know ahead like we did what the chances were. Their baby was stillborn. How do you expect a kid to go to class, where's he's probably been talking and getting excited about the baby, to act like it never happened? That would be like a child losing a mother/father and expecting them not to talk about that parent anymore... That's just not going to happen nor should it. Keeping the silence time is over. People need to realize whether it makes you uncomfortable or not we will talk about out babies if we so desire. It is our right as their parent/family to do so.  We may not have had a lot of time with out baby but they still impacted our lives.

Photo controversy article.