News From The Doctor...

So to be honest I started writing this one a week and a half ago…right after I received the call (I was at Bugs dance practice so there wasn’t much else for me to do other than sit and let it all flow). So I received a call before dance class from the nurse saying that the doctor wanted to setup an appointment to discuss the options/risks/such in regards to doing the amnioinfusion. At this point I was a little confused because the way she was talking was like he wanted to meet for the pre-op discussion and I was like “ummmm we’ve already done one”. Then she like back tracked and was like yes he wants to discuss going forward. Okay that makes more sense. Then it came – the call from the doctor. He said that they were not going to do the amnioinfusions anymore. Something to the effect that they didn’t think it was much success when they did it, though they got water in the uterus membrane it didn’t seem to be a successful as hoped since it’s been so tight for so long around the baby it’s like cellophane. He said they also checked with 2 other places and they also said they wouldn’t do the treatments. Now when I first heard this a feeling of rage came over me. I understand safety and such….if it’s dangerous it’s dangerous. In my eyes though what’s it going to do against the baby since you already pretty much told me we’re pushing out a dead baby. Also the doctor didn’t really say it was, he pushed it off more so that it was just “too hard for them” or something. Like since it took them a little longer to get the right spot than usual they didn’t want to do it again. When they were doing the amnioinfusion (obviously I’m fully aware and knew what was going on) they didn’t seem to have trouble with the fluid going in. Yeah finding the right spot and what not wasn’t the easiest but they didn’t have any restriction of the fluid flow, so they said. He said they got some in the baby’s back and outside the uterus. I don’t know exactly, I might have blocked some out some notes in my frustration. Either way the main thing that “frustrated” me is the fact that they said none of this when they were doing the infusion and that they referred to it like the baby was wrapped in cellophane. #notcool Now yes he’s not the doctor we started with and looking back now I wish we would have gotten a second opinion…I mean third opinion since we came from Winona. The doctor we saw pretty much told us it was pointless and though he brought up the idea of the amnioinfusion he said it would be pointless because I would have to come in every two weeks. I wish I would have gone with my gut and not his recommendation and just started it back then. I feel like by not doing it we have hindered our baby even more. If nothing else there would be more room in my belly. More room for baby and more room for me, things wouldn’t be so tight. I also now sort of fear I have forced myself to now have to do a C-section... I had in my head this whole time that I was going to fight to do it vaginally, like Bugs, but if the baby is pretty much wrapped in cellophane to the point they can't even add water than I'm going to have to do it by C-section. This doesn’t make me feel good. I mean yes it sounds better for the baby’s safety, get in and out… but that also means I’m stuck. I am strapped to a table cut open while my baby is potentially rushed off. Seriously…because life doesn’t already have enough road options that you’re not sure of what’s going to happen – things just seem to keep growing. This could happen, that could happen – to infinity. Okay not infinity more like maybe 5 but still. I’m not going to lie though I try to keep strong in my faith/hope it’s getting a bit harder and harder the closer we get to the possible/unknown date to come. I don’t know what day it will happen, how it’ll happen, what’s going to happen after…and all that. :/ {It’s funny as I’m thinking about all the options that could happen coming soon we’re watching Men in Black 3 where the Griffin talks about all the different options that could happen while watching the Mets win the Series 3 months in advance . “A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway” – Griffin.} A glass of wine would be nice right about now… shoots ha I guess this blog and some prayers will have to do. :)

Telling Bugs...

So last night we sat Bugs down to tell her/prepair her for the possibility with the baby. We decided in the morning to tell her, I wouldn't say I dreaded it but more so just didn't know how I was going to start.  It wasn't so bad... Were already so blessed to have a big sister that is pretty understanding and grownup about this all. I'm not sure she fully understands but she at least has an idea so if something happens it's not a slap in the face "WHATS GOING ON???". We told her that there was a chance the baby might be sick when he/she is born and we might not be able to bring the baby home right away. That the baby might need some extra help from the doctors.  It did help that she watches the videos each weeks so explaining that the water that we see around the baby isn't there. She did ask what happened to it and so we told her baby's kidneys were having trouble working and the baby drank all the water, which she seemed to understand. We told her we were still praying God will work a miracle but we wanted her to have a heads up.  She is still very excited for the baby which makes me feel good 😀. She also said, without us bringing it up, she wanted to see where the baby was going to be (NICU). She's much like me in that aspect 😊. { When Grandpa was still in the coma and the doctors were telling us what may or may not happen I was already thinking about transplant. The doctor half laughed at me (not litterally but was like yeah good chance with that) and now 6 years later and Bugs was just at their house for a few days 😉.   }  

We also made it clear, which the nurse did too, that she is more than able to be as active and near the baby as she wants. When the baby goes to the other hospital and stuff she can go with and stay at baby's side. 

This is very much the final push for us. All the hospital planning and such. This is going to be a big growing/bonding time for our family.  I'm so happy to have the people I have around us to celebrate in the joys and be there for support.  Thank you for everything thus far and to come! 😘 

First Amnioinfusion

I was pretty nervous/excited going in. Luckily Dad texted me and in his usual self helped lighten the mood/relax my mind.  #lovehim

Holy balls!!! Though we went into the procedure not knowing a whole lot as far as how they were going to do it...but balls I wasn't ready for that.   I've had pain before (been through labor and had multiple ovarian cyst burst on me), I feel like I have a generally decent pain tolerance.... But this for sure did test it!  

First off the lady doing the original ultra look to figure a place to go in was doing some major pushing. Barry laughed after cuz he could tell she was like shoving it in. I understand she was trying to move around baby and such but it hurt.  Then came the actual process... So for those, like we were, whom have never seen/heard of amnioinfusion it is like a reverse amniocentesis. They find a good spot...poke you with some numbing then jab you with this giant needle! (Going to get a picture next time ha) then they hook the tube up and start the solution. So the spot that they went in was right under baby's butt which is like my most sensitive spot.  Like just rolling over it lightly with the ultrasound wand kinda hurts like someone pinching you from inside/out. Then of course the needle moves around from them having to resituate as the solution fills and moved with baby's movements-that's what hurt! It wasn't so bad getting the needle in and when I was situated, it was when they moved and even more when baby moved/cramped up.  There were times all I could do was squeeze my hands close my eyes and remind myself to breath and try not to tense up my stomach too much. Those times I kept repeating (in my head) "I love you baby". I don't know why, just what came to my head and it some how calmed me and made it "bearable". I about had sweat dripping down my forehead by the time we were done.   

Afterwards.... I was feeling okay. Was tired from all the "strain" but otherwise not too bad. My stomach didn't feel like it was going explode or anything like that, that I was kind of expecting. I was able to walk out of the room and down the hall a bit. There was of course a bit more pressure...they did put in 400+ml in, but nothing a little sitting couldn't handle :)   Barry was nice enough to push me in the wheelchair around Mayo while we ate and then through the hospital tour. #myguy ha.  We got to see both the maternity area at Mayo and then the NICU at St Mary's. It was so nice to kind of get an idea of how they do things and what could happen, where I am and where baby is...but it also brought up a TON of questions and planning we have to get started on. Starting from what we want the doctors to do after delivery, am i okay being away from baby, how much help we want, to what are we going to do if baby passes including funeral and such.... It's now all becoming so real.  And though I'm still optimistic about the outcome we still have to plan all this just incase..,

Update With Big News!

So we have big news...! Well big to us/me ha. Big...kinda scary news... Tomorrow (Friday) we are going to Rochester bright and early for an all-day fun fest!! Okay fun fest might be a stretch but still a change in feeling like we're just sitting around waiting. This is the time we have been waiting for plus a little bonus. So to start we needed to make an appointment to go over everything with the nurses and get the tour of the maternity area and all that fun stuff that comes with having a baby. Which even as I’m typing this it grows my anxiety/nervousness. I have no idea what is to come…what they are going to say. Leaves your heart racing. I’m very excited but just fearful of how things are going to happen. Like I wish we had more time to just enjoy being pregnant. Now it just feel like a rush to the finish line. Tomorrow I am 32 weeks. I could go as early as 5 weeks – depending on if they have plans to induce me. I would like to go as long as I can but I also understand the fact they would like to be prepared with all doctors and nurses needed to give our baby the best chances. Guess we’ll find most of that out tomorrow. The biggest news we have for tomorrow is we are doing the amnioinfusion! We are not sure how all of it happens and such, we haven’t have a consultation…that will be tomorrow morning before procedure. So I tried to lookup online a little bit just to get an idea of maybe how they do it…yeah wasn’t much help. The only thing I really found was this: “Amnioinfusion is a procedure in which normal saline or lactated Ringer's solution is infused into the uterine cavity to replace amniotic fluid. It is used to treat problems known to be associated with decreased intra-amniotic volume, including prophylactic treatment of oligohydramnios and treatment of severe variable decelerations during labor.” I am excited to have it done, hopeful that it will relieve some of the pressure on my legs and the cramping in my stomach and make the space a little nicer for the baby. Every time he/she moves around it like suctions in my stomach for a bit. I’m also hoping that it will possibly also help the baby develop his/her lungs a little bit before delivery. I’m feeling nervous about all the new stuff but also at ease with the fact that we’ll be more informed. We’ll find out how they plan to go about delivery and such. This will help also with telling Bugs, break the news to her and help her understand what could happen and what our plans are. I’m getting ready to be able to plan. Go through and do a little shopping planning. We have decided we’ll go out to Target and probably Baby’s R Us to do a registry so that way we don’t need to go out now to rush and buy things but if we are lucky enough to be able to take our bundle home than Moms can run and grab us a few things to get started while were in the hospital. I do need to gather my to go bag. Figure things I would like to bring and make sure they are accessible in case someone else needs to come and pick them up for me. Oh man things are getting real! 

Better Days Ahead

Monday was a very long day...and night. When Barry got home we drove to the ER. Mom and Dave nicely met us there to watch Bugs, just in case we needed her close. We really had no idea what was going on or what was happening. All I knew was that my legs were in major pain. When we got down there they checked me in, made me pee in a cup, and hooked me up to the baby monitor. Hung out in the maternity area for a while until they came back and said they had no answers to what was going on…which looking back now was dumb they didn’t even do an ultrasound or anything. They packed me up and sent me back down to the ER section. Went through the process again. The doctor came in, did some checking of my reflexes and feeling in my legs then sent for a blood draw to make sure all that was good….couldn’t have been better. So once again I left the doctor with no answers…mystery case central right here. Well never the less I was “ok”…the baby was fine…guess that’s all you could really ask for. Answers are for losers ha. Anyways though the ride home was torture, we made it and I went straight to bed. I stayed home one more day in hopes that it was going to go away… This was a very good idea since the next day was worse than the first. It was horrible, but not just in my legs but it moved to my belly also. Though the pain was bad I believe baby was just having a growth spirt  My belly grew an inch since the last time I measured. I am still experiencing stomach/leg pain but having the thought its baby growing makes it all worth it. And as long as little jammer is moving around in my belly I will be happy. Wednesday I made it through work…well I guess that’s what you can call it. I got my work done and didn’t cry in pain so we’ll take it. I was completely exhausted after though. My body was compensating so much hiding the pain that it wore me out. By the time I got home I had a little energy to make something to eat then needed a nap! Luckily Bugs had Kicks so I had some time. Now being Thursday it was time to get back to my to-do list. Though work was still a little rough, probably will be for a bit, I made it through with enough energy to still be awaKE as I write this now in the evening, progress oh yeah! Had on my list to contact Mayo, even though I’m only 31 weeks tomorrow, we figured I should probably get my call in soon since they book up. Even better they called me . Well they called about my email in request for information for amnioinfusion, even better. Sounds like the doc thinks it’s a good idea/worth a shot. So got two birds with one stone, so they say. Now hopefully they can get all of my appointments in one shot. Though Monday things seemed very dark and I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through. I was in a dark place, worried about everything that was going on. I was very sad and worried and just not myself. Though I don’t regret our decision, I was questioning why things were happening. It wasn’t bad enough we were given this news of a high chance of losing our child…but now I was being overwhelmed with immense pain that still has yet to let up and probably will stay with me till the end. It’s just not something I was fully anticipating…with Bugs everything was pretty easy going. There isn’t much I remember of it being troublesome. I was that pregnant lady you were mad to look at because she just went on with her days as nothing was different. There wasn’t this thing growing in her belly, it was just easy. Now a days I walk around like a broken doll it feels like. But the news today from the nurse and getting thing in the works somehow changed that dark questioning around. Nothing has changed for our answers to come but seeing the end coming into view added a little different perspective. Lightened things up a little bit. I even more take joy in the excessive movement going on in my belly .

Longest Day...

Today has been a very long day...the main thing keeping me on the positive side is that Baby is still very active.  I have literally been in bed all day. I managed to wrangle myself up to get Bugs ready for school...but that was as much as my legs could handle. They have been numb/pained/tingly all day with no relief. I thought elevating them might help, so I did this while Barry was getting ready for work...no change, almost got worse. So I spend the day laying in bed with Rollie to keep me company. It was the only thing I could do. The pain still lingered but it was the best position for minimal movement to make it worse. When I called into work today I thought my body was telling me I had over done it, I just needed some rest. Guess that wasn't the answer.  I messaged Winona to see if they had any ideas to help relieve the trouble, thinking they would say you just need more rest or a bath or more fluids...I don't know, just something to help.  I got different news though. They ended up calling and wanting me to come in right away. Though this wasn't really possible with Barry working and obviously I can't drive with my legs how they are....I told them we would be to the ER as soon as we could. As I, literally, lay here waiting for him to get home I am weighted down with worry. The one thing helping to calm the fear that they would induce me is that they said to come down there where as if they thought I might need to go to delivery they would have said to go to Mayo...though things could change by the time we get there. 

I think even  more so what is weighting me is telling Bugs. My Mom is going to meet us there to take her to dinner that way if she needs to be there she's close....but do I tell her?  Do I worry her with the though of what might happen this early? I thought this would be easier, I know she'll understand but at the same time I am at a loss for words of how to tell her.      ...God please help me. 

Bugs Party

So Bugs is officially 6 ;) of course she turned 6 back in November but with all the craziness of the holidays and finding out about the baby...we just got things situated to have her hotel/pool party.  It was a blast. Had family and friends visit, have some snacks and opened gifts. Then it was off to the pool!!! A special surprise is her good buddy Kingston spent the night with us. So they had a slumber party, got up and ate a big breakfast, relaxed some, then was back at it again in the pool. So proud of my big girl; she's getting better about water in her face, was jumping off the side of the pool into daddy's arms and even went down the big slide more than once. It took some encouraging to start out, remind her she could do it and that daddy would be at the bottom to catch her...but she did it :)    It also brought a big smile to my face when she asked Kingston if he wanted to try it and she said "You might like it...You just have to try" #meltmommysheart  I tell her things like that all the time. She is very good about not saying she doesn't like something if she hasn't tried it, cuz really how do you is just because it looks weird or scary...? #soproud.  We had so much fun at the hotel! 

Pregnancy/Mommy wise I realized after the baby comes I really need to discuss with my doctor options/solutions for my fatigue.   I know now most of it is from the baby but I had quite a bit before I was even pregnant and have for a long time. I need to get it better if I'm going to have two little munchkins running around now ;)   I didn't get a chance to go in the pool last night, which was fine. I wanted to be able to walk people out and such as they were leaving and I knew I wouldn't have the energy to be up late with all the action of the day and swim in the pool....man was I right. By the time we got things cleaned up, out of the pool and late dinner of pizza ordered I was more than ready to crash! But luckily I had a great guy helping me out, took care of getting the kids pizza and drinks while I sat down and rested some before it was time to get the munchkins to bed. This morning though we had a big breakfast, we'll Barry and I more so than the kids ha, then it was in the pool for us all. 

The belly loved the pool, shocker I know ha. Think the baby was probably like "hmm I remember this kind of weightlessness from before...now all I feel is crap gravity, blaaa".  I just kind of waded in the big pool, let the waves move me around....when I went to pull my growing belly out of the pool up the ladder pretty sure it felt like I gained like 50lbs in one shot. Good thing I was only getting out to move to the little pool to sit and relax :). After I got out though my belly was fiercely mad at me!  Like I hate you so much right now I could just pull apart from you right now. It was honestly painful.  I could hardly walk. My legs are still feeling pinched, my back sore and my belly stretched....eh. I'm not sure if this means I should spend a little more time hanging out in the tub to relax my belly or if it means I should stay as far away from standing water as possible.  Eh it just brings me back to wanting to do the aminoinfusion even more!!! 

We'll I guess to sum it up at 30 weeks...  I'm officially pained/bloated, stretched, exhausted and ready to meet our little one....but at the same time wish there was more time! As I said before I knew this time would fly by not only because it always does when you're trying to enjoy something but because we are weekend filled and not seeing any end ha. By the way thats totally not a complaint. Even though it makes the time seem like it races by it also helps with the enjoying the time and not wollowing in the worry.  Coming weekend work dinner and Kingstons birthday bash :) then the next weekend going to a comedy club, then the week after that I am gone for 3 days to the cities for a marketing conference, which will be a nice change of pace to distract me some. Then it just keeps rolling on....guess eventually one of the next weekends we should finalize organizing the house and what our plans are for both ends of the possibilities.