new chapter in life

Holy moly, these last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotion. The 25th was Trysten's first birthday. It's crazy to think it's already been a year. The thoughts of how things would be and how he would have grown don't leave my thoughts. By now he would be eating foods, crawling, walking, saying words. Instead all we have are the memories from the few days we had with him and the love for him that will never leave our hearts. It makes me smile though knowing that Bugs remembers him everyday. It's one thing for a mother and father to remember their child but when a young sibling remembers, loves and reminds all around her it's just something a little extra special. Anytime someone asks how many are in her family or that topic somehow gets brought up she says with great conviction, "we have 5 in our family; Daddy, Mommy, Me, Brother and now Sister". It's a joy you really can't explain to hear her speak like that. To remember, love and remind those around her of her brother.



Sunday -



Monday -



Within the next week, we welcomed our little Nars into the world. That Monday when I went in for my doctor appointment he told us it would be within the next 48hrs, he would be very surprised if we were still pregnant by Thursday. So since I was already having contractions since before my appointment we decided to do a little walking and have dinner at Mom's. Things continued to feel the same for most of the evening and slowly lessened a bit but we were afraid we would get heading home or walk in the door and have to turn right around so we decided we would just spend the night at Mom's so if things progressed we only had a 10min drive instead of an hour, which turned out to be a very good idea - an hour drive I probably would have started crying, those roads are just very bumpy. I woke up about 1 am to strong contractions. At first I chalked it up to the same old I've been having all month. I got up walked around, relaxed in bed trying to get a little more sleep before we had to head home for Barry to get to work and Bugs to get to school. Then 5 am hit and they got stronger. Laying in bed was uncomfortable so I got up and roamed the house a bit to see if it was true. I didn't want to rush in since we've had so many false ones before so I held out a bit longer. Went and laid with mom chatting for a bit, went back to my bed to see if I could fall asleep a little longer - cuz if I could then things weren't going... Laying there though they seemed to continue to get stronger so we decided this could be it. Mom stayed home from work to hang out with Bugs so she didn't have to go sit in the cramped room they first put you in and she could relax in case it was false. I knew things were really progressing when Bugs was getting ready and looked at me and told Grandma I looked like I was going to cry and my face was red ;) .
Once we got into the hospital, got setup with the machine and everything we waited...waited to see if the contractions were strong and regular enough. Which doesn't really make sense to me. I understand hooking me up to see how the baby is doing and everything but why don't they check you right away to see if you're dilating or not, but none the less we waited. The contractions weren't monitoring very well because my belly is so small that it doesn't like to register them all the way. What was reading as a 30 was really more like 90. After monitoring for a bit the nurse came and and was like well they are continuing but if you haven't dilated any more (I had been a 2-3 at my appointment) then I could walk around for an hour or so and they could check me again. Great cuz you just reaffirmed my biggest fear for me, that it was just my body playing tricks on me AGAIN. To all of our surprise though she checked me and I was 8cm! Yes! I was ready and baby was ready, we're getting this show on the road :) . They moved me over and we got ready to welcome her into this world.
Now going into this I had really only anticipated Barry, Ang (to photograph), Mom (to tape) and Bugs if she wanted since it wasn't high risk or anything and my delivery room is pretty laid back and it's kind of a cool experience for her to have. Then Ma and Hannah were able to make it down before she arrived and also Grandma and Grandpa... so we had a party :) . Grandma really wanted to be in there, she had seen a grandchild be born and what an awesome thing she can say she also saw a great-grandchild. Not many get to meet their great-grandchild let alone see their 3rd be born. Since Ma and Hannah were able to make it I wanted to share it with them too. It was an amazing time welcoming our little Rainbow into this world. She truly has brought great joy to our lives already. She's now a week old such a joyful bundle that I can hardly put down.

ready to hear her cry

So that may sound odd to most people but it honestly is one thing I'm most looking forward to, hearing her first cry. You're probably thinking "ahhh you're crazy, babies cry all the time". This is true but especially with that first cry it's the sound of health a life. With Trysten we didn't really get a chance of that. He let out a little cry once and that was all we got to hear. I know already it'll be a bittersweet moment and I'll probably ball my eyes out :) ha.

Also I'm ready to hear her cry because that will mean she's no longer shoving on my bladder, sides or ribs :) . Now I love being pregnant and the look of my belly, even though I get non-stop comments.
"Oh how do you look so tiny and cute, I looked like an elephant when I was pregnant" I don't know I just got pregnant and this was how it turned out, take it up with God when ya see him.
"You look so cute, I was a mess" It's called having a good face wash that makes you feel good [DEVONNE], makeup to cover up the crap and 'fake it till you make it'. You see me put together and looking cute but inside really I feel like the hunchback with everything pushing to come out.
I enjoy the fact of being pregnant and what it brings so even though inside I'm in major pain and nauseous most of the day, I don't show it because what's the benefit? It's not going to make me feel any better so why not put on a smile and be excited for what's to come. Even though walking has been my biggest pain I still have to get up and go on with my day. I can't wake up and be like "sorry Bugs my pelvis feels like it's going to break you have to get yourself on the bus" or not get ready and go to work... It's a part of life; you take it, you deal with it and you keep going. So yes even though I love all the joy of being pregnant and people may look at me and think I have it so easy because I don't gain 60lbs, I'm very ready for our little Nars to come.

But first to decide on a darn car seat! Who thought it would be so difficult to pick one out ;)

makes me angry how I feel inside

Grief is a tortuous thing. Your brain tells you one thing, you know is true, but your heart screams another. I know truly I am so happy for all these people who are announcing they are expecting. It’s an amazing time not only for them but their families. And I am excited to see these babies and hold the ones close to me…that doesn’t change my grief though. It makes me want to scream because these people are having what I want. No this is not a green feeling like the grass is greener in someone else’s lawn or jealous of something someone purchased like a house…it’s the continued ache my heart and empty arms feel.
Now this may sound harsh…and I know these feelings will eventually pass. But this morning was quite hard for me. I had a meltdown in the shower I was so consumed. I love these people and am excited for them (they’re the only ones I get to be an “aunt” with so far) but at the same time they’re getting what I want. Sliding through Facebook this morning and seeing their announcement just hit me like a boulder to the chest. I think it hit harder than others because they are close with us. It’s not like I will just be able to ignore the fact of a growing belly, we’re family, we see each other.
Right now it’s just a fierce weight I’m trying to shake off. Counting down the days even more now till Red Rock! Need some immersive reflection time at the lake with people I’ve grown up worshiping with! Till then it's my Spotify playlist on repeat.

Our Son, A Month Early

So there's a lot to update since the last time I actually blogged. I had started on one that was going through all the things I had done over my birthday weekend (Feb 22nd). It was quite a lot. I hadn't even realized how much till Sunday night when my body wasn't happy with me. From not sleeping a whole ton from baby kicks starting Thursday night then going out to eat Friday night out to dinner. Which from here doesn't seem like much...then we hit Saturday, where I got up early (well for a Saturday) and started cleaning, then Mom came over to help me manage Bugs room (it was bad ha) - we got rid of 2 boxes full of stuff. Then we went out for lunch. When we got back I figured I should take a nap before the night, that lasted like maybe an hour, then it was to get ready for my birthday dinner. I think what really set it off was sitting and playing Cards Against Humanity for 5 hours on wooden chairs. Add about 3 hours of sleep to that, breakfast, standing and chatting for 1.5hr. I know looking back "you idiot"... but it all just happened then the rest of Sunday was driving. 

 By Sunday evening I was feeling pretty sick & nauseous/trouble breathing/sharp pain in my shoulder/headache and then about 11 or so I finally puked and made Barry take me to the ER… (after calling the doc and talking to a friend that is a nurse and who just had a baby that dealt with kind of the same thing – she was in labor) They did a few tests, gave me some Maylox to see if it was acid reflex. Didn’t really do much for me but by that time they said if it didn’t they were talking about doing like a CT scan to check for a clot… I just wasn’t up for that. Barry and I were so tired, it was like 2am. They did do an EKG thing and that looked fine, baby’s heart rate was good, my blood pressure and oxygen was good so I’m like I think it was just pressure from the baby. Which the baby was very active, probably from me being so active he was like hey quit that… even though when I was “relaxing” baby was still wiggling a bunch – reasoning of not sleeping much for the last few days. As I was laying there I could feel my chest kind of tense up when a “contraction” would happen so I think baby was just moving so much and since there's no water all of it feels like contractions if he rolls and it all just settled/settling in my chest. It was mainly the shoulder pain and nausea that was buggin me since it wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. The I ate and drank water/sprite for the nausea and barry tried to massage my shoulder like 4 times and that didn’t fix it.

 Everything seemed normal Monday...then Tuesday! I was awaken at 5:30am with cramping, by the time I got up and headed to work it was still going on but all over the place. I tried to keep track of them (yay for apps) and they were very sporadic. So I kept on my day. Made it through work then headed to dance class with Bugs. By the time we got home and I had a chance to lay down they were getting stronger. When I put Bugs to bed they were pretty strong but still sporadic. I figured it was like Sunday again, when you look up all the stuff on when to go to the doctor it says 60sec long, 5 minutes apart. Well mine varied from 30 sec to 1.15 every 7-11min --- come to find later it's not about the time it's about the intensity! whaaaaaaa it should say that online ha. Now if you ask why I didn't know before, I was induced with Bugs and had the epidural pretty soon (back issues and labor don't mix). So I went on with the night...tired to lay down and sleep some, then it happened......Bugs got sick. I jumped up to help her and BAM it all started to roll. Think I had like 3 contractions while standing there with her puking. Took care of her, got her situated and then went in and told Barry, it was time to roll out - good thing we had just finished packing literally that night. Barry jumped in the shower quick, got Bugs ready to go and bags to the door and were on our way. Called Mom told her to get up there. By the time we got up there the contractions were getting pretty fierce. They put me in a starter room to get my vitals and check how far I was... I was 4cm. She said they were going to move us to a labor room and I was like could you have an epidural waiting for me there :) Even though I was doing good they were getting stronger and it was starting to feel like my spine was going to explode out. Which only increased the stronger my contractions went. Barry laughed at me because the last few contractions I was like "oh shit...oh craps..." might have thrown the 'f' out a few times ;) it helped me keep breathing. You can't talk without breathing and I didn't have to remind myself :) Almost made Barry pass out with my hand squeezing ha. - you know how you always see in videos/such the ladies yelling at their guy "I hate you! You did this to me!" Even though I was in pain pretty good, at no time did those thoughts ever cross my mind. I think I even said "I love you". I was just so happy to be there, be meeting our baby.-  

But I got the epidural just in time. They gave me a local also I think which was very helpful, I was ready for a nap after ha. Then the doc came in...checked me and I was 9cm and ready to head to the push room, we were in a different room that was right next to the NICU room. 

Some laughs and a little pushing and our precious baby boy was born. They took him to the next room to get started... Barry and Ang went with him, Mom and I soon to follow when they cleaned up. By the time they wheeled me in he was all hooked up to the machines, they were doing their tests and had him with a breathing tube. 

We had our decision to make - keep trying or take our time with him while we have it. We decided it was as it was and we wanted Bugs and our family to be able to see and enjoy his presence before he passed. We were lucky to have 6hrs of time with him and enjoyed every second. We have been overwhelmed by the amount of support not only from family/friends but many others. We will never be able to thank everyone enough.

News From The Doctor...

So to be honest I started writing this one a week and a half ago…right after I received the call (I was at Bugs dance practice so there wasn’t much else for me to do other than sit and let it all flow). So I received a call before dance class from the nurse saying that the doctor wanted to setup an appointment to discuss the options/risks/such in regards to doing the amnioinfusion. At this point I was a little confused because the way she was talking was like he wanted to meet for the pre-op discussion and I was like “ummmm we’ve already done one”. Then she like back tracked and was like yes he wants to discuss going forward. Okay that makes more sense. Then it came – the call from the doctor. He said that they were not going to do the amnioinfusions anymore. Something to the effect that they didn’t think it was much success when they did it, though they got water in the uterus membrane it didn’t seem to be a successful as hoped since it’s been so tight for so long around the baby it’s like cellophane. He said they also checked with 2 other places and they also said they wouldn’t do the treatments. Now when I first heard this a feeling of rage came over me. I understand safety and such….if it’s dangerous it’s dangerous. In my eyes though what’s it going to do against the baby since you already pretty much told me we’re pushing out a dead baby. Also the doctor didn’t really say it was, he pushed it off more so that it was just “too hard for them” or something. Like since it took them a little longer to get the right spot than usual they didn’t want to do it again. When they were doing the amnioinfusion (obviously I’m fully aware and knew what was going on) they didn’t seem to have trouble with the fluid going in. Yeah finding the right spot and what not wasn’t the easiest but they didn’t have any restriction of the fluid flow, so they said. He said they got some in the baby’s back and outside the uterus. I don’t know exactly, I might have blocked some out some notes in my frustration. Either way the main thing that “frustrated” me is the fact that they said none of this when they were doing the infusion and that they referred to it like the baby was wrapped in cellophane. #notcool Now yes he’s not the doctor we started with and looking back now I wish we would have gotten a second opinion…I mean third opinion since we came from Winona. The doctor we saw pretty much told us it was pointless and though he brought up the idea of the amnioinfusion he said it would be pointless because I would have to come in every two weeks. I wish I would have gone with my gut and not his recommendation and just started it back then. I feel like by not doing it we have hindered our baby even more. If nothing else there would be more room in my belly. More room for baby and more room for me, things wouldn’t be so tight. I also now sort of fear I have forced myself to now have to do a C-section... I had in my head this whole time that I was going to fight to do it vaginally, like Bugs, but if the baby is pretty much wrapped in cellophane to the point they can't even add water than I'm going to have to do it by C-section. This doesn’t make me feel good. I mean yes it sounds better for the baby’s safety, get in and out… but that also means I’m stuck. I am strapped to a table cut open while my baby is potentially rushed off. Seriously…because life doesn’t already have enough road options that you’re not sure of what’s going to happen – things just seem to keep growing. This could happen, that could happen – to infinity. Okay not infinity more like maybe 5 but still. I’m not going to lie though I try to keep strong in my faith/hope it’s getting a bit harder and harder the closer we get to the possible/unknown date to come. I don’t know what day it will happen, how it’ll happen, what’s going to happen after…and all that. :/ {It’s funny as I’m thinking about all the options that could happen coming soon we’re watching Men in Black 3 where the Griffin talks about all the different options that could happen while watching the Mets win the Series 3 months in advance . “A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway” – Griffin.} A glass of wine would be nice right about now… shoots ha I guess this blog and some prayers will have to do. :)

Telling Bugs...

So last night we sat Bugs down to tell her/prepair her for the possibility with the baby. We decided in the morning to tell her, I wouldn't say I dreaded it but more so just didn't know how I was going to start.  It wasn't so bad... Were already so blessed to have a big sister that is pretty understanding and grownup about this all. I'm not sure she fully understands but she at least has an idea so if something happens it's not a slap in the face "WHATS GOING ON???". We told her that there was a chance the baby might be sick when he/she is born and we might not be able to bring the baby home right away. That the baby might need some extra help from the doctors.  It did help that she watches the videos each weeks so explaining that the water that we see around the baby isn't there. She did ask what happened to it and so we told her baby's kidneys were having trouble working and the baby drank all the water, which she seemed to understand. We told her we were still praying God will work a miracle but we wanted her to have a heads up.  She is still very excited for the baby which makes me feel good 😀. She also said, without us bringing it up, she wanted to see where the baby was going to be (NICU). She's much like me in that aspect 😊. { When Grandpa was still in the coma and the doctors were telling us what may or may not happen I was already thinking about transplant. The doctor half laughed at me (not litterally but was like yeah good chance with that) and now 6 years later and Bugs was just at their house for a few days 😉.   }  

We also made it clear, which the nurse did too, that she is more than able to be as active and near the baby as she wants. When the baby goes to the other hospital and stuff she can go with and stay at baby's side. 

This is very much the final push for us. All the hospital planning and such. This is going to be a big growing/bonding time for our family.  I'm so happy to have the people I have around us to celebrate in the joys and be there for support.  Thank you for everything thus far and to come! 😘 

First Amnioinfusion

I was pretty nervous/excited going in. Luckily Dad texted me and in his usual self helped lighten the mood/relax my mind.  #lovehim

Holy balls!!! Though we went into the procedure not knowing a whole lot as far as how they were going to do it...but balls I wasn't ready for that.   I've had pain before (been through labor and had multiple ovarian cyst burst on me), I feel like I have a generally decent pain tolerance.... But this for sure did test it!  

First off the lady doing the original ultra look to figure a place to go in was doing some major pushing. Barry laughed after cuz he could tell she was like shoving it in. I understand she was trying to move around baby and such but it hurt.  Then came the actual process... So for those, like we were, whom have never seen/heard of amnioinfusion it is like a reverse amniocentesis. They find a good spot...poke you with some numbing then jab you with this giant needle! (Going to get a picture next time ha) then they hook the tube up and start the solution. So the spot that they went in was right under baby's butt which is like my most sensitive spot.  Like just rolling over it lightly with the ultrasound wand kinda hurts like someone pinching you from inside/out. Then of course the needle moves around from them having to resituate as the solution fills and moved with baby's movements-that's what hurt! It wasn't so bad getting the needle in and when I was situated, it was when they moved and even more when baby moved/cramped up.  There were times all I could do was squeeze my hands close my eyes and remind myself to breath and try not to tense up my stomach too much. Those times I kept repeating (in my head) "I love you baby". I don't know why, just what came to my head and it some how calmed me and made it "bearable". I about had sweat dripping down my forehead by the time we were done.   

Afterwards.... I was feeling okay. Was tired from all the "strain" but otherwise not too bad. My stomach didn't feel like it was going explode or anything like that, that I was kind of expecting. I was able to walk out of the room and down the hall a bit. There was of course a bit more pressure...they did put in 400+ml in, but nothing a little sitting couldn't handle :)   Barry was nice enough to push me in the wheelchair around Mayo while we ate and then through the hospital tour. #myguy ha.  We got to see both the maternity area at Mayo and then the NICU at St Mary's. It was so nice to kind of get an idea of how they do things and what could happen, where I am and where baby is...but it also brought up a TON of questions and planning we have to get started on. Starting from what we want the doctors to do after delivery, am i okay being away from baby, how much help we want, to what are we going to do if baby passes including funeral and such.... It's now all becoming so real.  And though I'm still optimistic about the outcome we still have to plan all this just incase..,

Update With Big News!

So we have big news...! Well big to us/me ha. Big...kinda scary news... Tomorrow (Friday) we are going to Rochester bright and early for an all-day fun fest!! Okay fun fest might be a stretch but still a change in feeling like we're just sitting around waiting. This is the time we have been waiting for plus a little bonus. So to start we needed to make an appointment to go over everything with the nurses and get the tour of the maternity area and all that fun stuff that comes with having a baby. Which even as I’m typing this it grows my anxiety/nervousness. I have no idea what is to come…what they are going to say. Leaves your heart racing. I’m very excited but just fearful of how things are going to happen. Like I wish we had more time to just enjoy being pregnant. Now it just feel like a rush to the finish line. Tomorrow I am 32 weeks. I could go as early as 5 weeks – depending on if they have plans to induce me. I would like to go as long as I can but I also understand the fact they would like to be prepared with all doctors and nurses needed to give our baby the best chances. Guess we’ll find most of that out tomorrow. The biggest news we have for tomorrow is we are doing the amnioinfusion! We are not sure how all of it happens and such, we haven’t have a consultation…that will be tomorrow morning before procedure. So I tried to lookup online a little bit just to get an idea of maybe how they do it…yeah wasn’t much help. The only thing I really found was this: “Amnioinfusion is a procedure in which normal saline or lactated Ringer's solution is infused into the uterine cavity to replace amniotic fluid. It is used to treat problems known to be associated with decreased intra-amniotic volume, including prophylactic treatment of oligohydramnios and treatment of severe variable decelerations during labor.” I am excited to have it done, hopeful that it will relieve some of the pressure on my legs and the cramping in my stomach and make the space a little nicer for the baby. Every time he/she moves around it like suctions in my stomach for a bit. I’m also hoping that it will possibly also help the baby develop his/her lungs a little bit before delivery. I’m feeling nervous about all the new stuff but also at ease with the fact that we’ll be more informed. We’ll find out how they plan to go about delivery and such. This will help also with telling Bugs, break the news to her and help her understand what could happen and what our plans are. I’m getting ready to be able to plan. Go through and do a little shopping planning. We have decided we’ll go out to Target and probably Baby’s R Us to do a registry so that way we don’t need to go out now to rush and buy things but if we are lucky enough to be able to take our bundle home than Moms can run and grab us a few things to get started while were in the hospital. I do need to gather my to go bag. Figure things I would like to bring and make sure they are accessible in case someone else needs to come and pick them up for me. Oh man things are getting real! 

Better Days Ahead

Monday was a very long day...and night. When Barry got home we drove to the ER. Mom and Dave nicely met us there to watch Bugs, just in case we needed her close. We really had no idea what was going on or what was happening. All I knew was that my legs were in major pain. When we got down there they checked me in, made me pee in a cup, and hooked me up to the baby monitor. Hung out in the maternity area for a while until they came back and said they had no answers to what was going on…which looking back now was dumb they didn’t even do an ultrasound or anything. They packed me up and sent me back down to the ER section. Went through the process again. The doctor came in, did some checking of my reflexes and feeling in my legs then sent for a blood draw to make sure all that was good….couldn’t have been better. So once again I left the doctor with no answers…mystery case central right here. Well never the less I was “ok”…the baby was fine…guess that’s all you could really ask for. Answers are for losers ha. Anyways though the ride home was torture, we made it and I went straight to bed. I stayed home one more day in hopes that it was going to go away… This was a very good idea since the next day was worse than the first. It was horrible, but not just in my legs but it moved to my belly also. Though the pain was bad I believe baby was just having a growth spirt  My belly grew an inch since the last time I measured. I am still experiencing stomach/leg pain but having the thought its baby growing makes it all worth it. And as long as little jammer is moving around in my belly I will be happy. Wednesday I made it through work…well I guess that’s what you can call it. I got my work done and didn’t cry in pain so we’ll take it. I was completely exhausted after though. My body was compensating so much hiding the pain that it wore me out. By the time I got home I had a little energy to make something to eat then needed a nap! Luckily Bugs had Kicks so I had some time. Now being Thursday it was time to get back to my to-do list. Though work was still a little rough, probably will be for a bit, I made it through with enough energy to still be awaKE as I write this now in the evening, progress oh yeah! Had on my list to contact Mayo, even though I’m only 31 weeks tomorrow, we figured I should probably get my call in soon since they book up. Even better they called me . Well they called about my email in request for information for amnioinfusion, even better. Sounds like the doc thinks it’s a good idea/worth a shot. So got two birds with one stone, so they say. Now hopefully they can get all of my appointments in one shot. Though Monday things seemed very dark and I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through. I was in a dark place, worried about everything that was going on. I was very sad and worried and just not myself. Though I don’t regret our decision, I was questioning why things were happening. It wasn’t bad enough we were given this news of a high chance of losing our child…but now I was being overwhelmed with immense pain that still has yet to let up and probably will stay with me till the end. It’s just not something I was fully anticipating…with Bugs everything was pretty easy going. There isn’t much I remember of it being troublesome. I was that pregnant lady you were mad to look at because she just went on with her days as nothing was different. There wasn’t this thing growing in her belly, it was just easy. Now a days I walk around like a broken doll it feels like. But the news today from the nurse and getting thing in the works somehow changed that dark questioning around. Nothing has changed for our answers to come but seeing the end coming into view added a little different perspective. Lightened things up a little bit. I even more take joy in the excessive movement going on in my belly .

Longest Day...

Today has been a very long day...the main thing keeping me on the positive side is that Baby is still very active.  I have literally been in bed all day. I managed to wrangle myself up to get Bugs ready for school...but that was as much as my legs could handle. They have been numb/pained/tingly all day with no relief. I thought elevating them might help, so I did this while Barry was getting ready for work...no change, almost got worse. So I spend the day laying in bed with Rollie to keep me company. It was the only thing I could do. The pain still lingered but it was the best position for minimal movement to make it worse. When I called into work today I thought my body was telling me I had over done it, I just needed some rest. Guess that wasn't the answer.  I messaged Winona to see if they had any ideas to help relieve the trouble, thinking they would say you just need more rest or a bath or more fluids...I don't know, just something to help.  I got different news though. They ended up calling and wanting me to come in right away. Though this wasn't really possible with Barry working and obviously I can't drive with my legs how they are....I told them we would be to the ER as soon as we could. As I, literally, lay here waiting for him to get home I am weighted down with worry. The one thing helping to calm the fear that they would induce me is that they said to come down there where as if they thought I might need to go to delivery they would have said to go to Mayo...though things could change by the time we get there. 

I think even  more so what is weighting me is telling Bugs. My Mom is going to meet us there to take her to dinner that way if she needs to be there she's close....but do I tell her?  Do I worry her with the though of what might happen this early? I thought this would be easier, I know she'll understand but at the same time I am at a loss for words of how to tell her.      ...God please help me. 

Bugs Party

So Bugs is officially 6 ;) of course she turned 6 back in November but with all the craziness of the holidays and finding out about the baby...we just got things situated to have her hotel/pool party.  It was a blast. Had family and friends visit, have some snacks and opened gifts. Then it was off to the pool!!! A special surprise is her good buddy Kingston spent the night with us. So they had a slumber party, got up and ate a big breakfast, relaxed some, then was back at it again in the pool. So proud of my big girl; she's getting better about water in her face, was jumping off the side of the pool into daddy's arms and even went down the big slide more than once. It took some encouraging to start out, remind her she could do it and that daddy would be at the bottom to catch her...but she did it :)    It also brought a big smile to my face when she asked Kingston if he wanted to try it and she said "You might like it...You just have to try" #meltmommysheart  I tell her things like that all the time. She is very good about not saying she doesn't like something if she hasn't tried it, cuz really how do you is just because it looks weird or scary...? #soproud.  We had so much fun at the hotel! 

Pregnancy/Mommy wise I realized after the baby comes I really need to discuss with my doctor options/solutions for my fatigue.   I know now most of it is from the baby but I had quite a bit before I was even pregnant and have for a long time. I need to get it better if I'm going to have two little munchkins running around now ;)   I didn't get a chance to go in the pool last night, which was fine. I wanted to be able to walk people out and such as they were leaving and I knew I wouldn't have the energy to be up late with all the action of the day and swim in the pool....man was I right. By the time we got things cleaned up, out of the pool and late dinner of pizza ordered I was more than ready to crash! But luckily I had a great guy helping me out, took care of getting the kids pizza and drinks while I sat down and rested some before it was time to get the munchkins to bed. This morning though we had a big breakfast, we'll Barry and I more so than the kids ha, then it was in the pool for us all. 

The belly loved the pool, shocker I know ha. Think the baby was probably like "hmm I remember this kind of weightlessness from before...now all I feel is crap gravity, blaaa".  I just kind of waded in the big pool, let the waves move me around....when I went to pull my growing belly out of the pool up the ladder pretty sure it felt like I gained like 50lbs in one shot. Good thing I was only getting out to move to the little pool to sit and relax :). After I got out though my belly was fiercely mad at me!  Like I hate you so much right now I could just pull apart from you right now. It was honestly painful.  I could hardly walk. My legs are still feeling pinched, my back sore and my belly stretched....eh. I'm not sure if this means I should spend a little more time hanging out in the tub to relax my belly or if it means I should stay as far away from standing water as possible.  Eh it just brings me back to wanting to do the aminoinfusion even more!!! 

We'll I guess to sum it up at 30 weeks...  I'm officially pained/bloated, stretched, exhausted and ready to meet our little one....but at the same time wish there was more time! As I said before I knew this time would fly by not only because it always does when you're trying to enjoy something but because we are weekend filled and not seeing any end ha. By the way thats totally not a complaint. Even though it makes the time seem like it races by it also helps with the enjoying the time and not wollowing in the worry.  Coming weekend work dinner and Kingstons birthday bash :) then the next weekend going to a comedy club, then the week after that I am gone for 3 days to the cities for a marketing conference, which will be a nice change of pace to distract me some. Then it just keeps rolling on....guess eventually one of the next weekends we should finalize organizing the house and what our plans are for both ends of the possibilities.

 

Going over it again and again...

Though I have known the possibility of what's to happen....I have noticed how much harder and harder it gets to think about as more and more people ask about it.  I don't mean this to be against or angry at them by any means, I would ask the same questions if it were someone I knew. Just explaining it reminds me more so of the tragic possibility more so than the chance of hope. The ability to plan and know is lost and that makes things so much harder. Not that parenting gives you any answers or definite path but it seems less like something horrible is going to happen when someone's not right there telling/reminding you. It's like if someone sent you a message that said in 1 year from today I'm going to kidnap your child and they are going to be mine forever and you can't do anything about it except enjoy the time you have with your child knowing your time is dwindling. As much as you would love every minute of the time you have together you also have that dark shadow following you with the reminder of the to come.   Yes I know there is a chance we come home with no bundle to fill a crib...

As I lay here resting my bell, enjoying the movements/kicks of my little bundle, I'm torn. Wanting to treasure this time as long as I can. Knowing this is definite time I have with my baby. I am also torn to the side that I want to see my little one more and more. Be able to hold him/her, count their toes, see the smiles and finally give a name to the joy growing in my belly.  I have never really been one to wonder/fear the future....until now. I have always believed that everything would work out, though I didn't know what that meant... Knowing for sure now there are two possibilities makes it seem harder for my faith to light the way.  

...but I'm trying hard to remain strong in my faith/hope that miracles can happen. I know this to be true most definite in my family more than once, so I keep trying to remind myself of these miracles and that it could happen again. 

Starting to have a hard time...

Friday was the hardest so far.  As we left work and headed to the doctor I was excited, nervous, joyful and going out of my mind all at the same time. It was so bad, I had taken my anxiety meds in the morning and by 1:30 I was almost shaking my emotions were going crazy. I was so joyed to see our little bundle, I want to just sit and stare at an ultrasound all day long :)   I was also nervous/excited to see if there were any changes.  I was nervous that at anytime we could go in and they could tell us something bad again but then also was super excited in hopes that things could be turning for the better....  When we went in though it was just calm. A sort of happy/sad calm came over. Happy because the heartbeat was strong and our bundle was growing on par but also a little sad that there was no change in fluid and that we still are unsure if our little bundle is a he or a she.  

Since we talked to the specialist I never really thought about medical things we could do at this time (well there aren't many options) but more so just thought of things I could do I like what I eat/drink and extra vitamins I can take. It really hit me though for some reason when we were sitting in the office waiting for the doctor after the ultrasound....what about that infusion thing the Mayo had mentioned..? I guess before I just pushed the thought to the back of my mind because the doctor said that even if we did that it wouldn't for sure change anything and also we would have to be in like every two weeks to do it again. At 20 weeks that seemed like a lot of procedures but now at 29 it's a bit less.  I wasn't sure on the name of it so I waited to talk to my doctor about it till I had a little more information. When I got home I did some checking, it's called aminoinfusion and there wasn't much information on it, mainly that they use it more for when there is flow fluid during delivery to help ease pressure on the umbilical cord. I emailed my doctor to see his thoughts before I went to the specialist with it. Though I new that they are the ones that will actually do the process I wanted the thoughts of someone I like ha.  I know that's not really fair to say about the specialist...and it's not that I don't like him it's just the circumstances were not in his favor for me to become comfortable with him as I am at Winona. 

Ever since this thought has come to my mind it just won't go away.  Maybe we were meant to just wait awhile before trying it. Give the baby some time to work things out and then help him/her out. I am really ready/wanting to do this. I think it will be good, whether it helps with the lungs/kidneys or not. As I think more and as we get closer to possible delivery date I feel like even if we have to help with the fluid, it needs to be in there. Not only would it help with my comfort, because things are really starting to get tight, it would also help for baby's comfort. Even though baby can't tell us that I know it would. Baby looks so scrunched whenever we see the ultrasounds and I can tell with how tight my stomach gets that it can't be the funnest way to hangout. I also think it would be helpful leading up to delivery. If they induce me and need to add fluid my body will already be used to the procedure so it will be less stress in my body then and also may help with natural delivery...which I don't know what that's I like. With Bugs they induced me so I never had my water break, blessing and a sad note. Yes I didn't have to deal with fluid splashing all over wherever I was and I had all the comforts of the doctors being right there and not waiting around or count contractions....but at the same time isn't that kind of the extra exciting part. Being able to be like oh yay baby is ready!!!!  :)  I just think I'll around it would be beneficial so now time to call Mayo! 

Birth Plan.....What's That? HA

So with Bugs I didn't really plan much. I was kind of winging the delivery part. I didn’t take any classes; I mean I had the ‘What to Expect When Expecting’ book why do I need a class right? I also knew that Mom would be my support and she’d been through it twice. Figured the nurses would tell me when to push and away we go  Luckily for me that was how it went with Bugs. I showed up when they told me to because I was being induced. I got the gown on, laid in the bed and they checked me in. I was induced, hung out for a few hours, did some pushing while watching Jay Leno and wam-bam out popped a little baby girl . I know with her i was pretty darn lucky in the labor and delivery part that is for sure. But now with this little Flubber, as Angee calls it, I know things aren’t going to go as smoothly. As much as I can hope and pray I know that’s just not going to happen. After reading some of Counting Balloons I have come to the realization even more that I should probably really start thinking of organizing my thoughts for a “birth plan”. Not that I’m super extreme down to the exact point of everything needs to happen this way but just an idea so I don’t get there and go “ahhhh…hmmm I don’t know”. I do know I want Bugs to be in there, if she wants to of course. I’m sure she is going to be way to excited not to be. Her favorite things to watch right now are the videos on my phone about the baby growing and the series show that was on Lifetime “One Born Every Minute”. You may think I am joking…but I am not. She loves that show, minus when they yell loud  . I also want her to be in there just in case the time we have is very short. I don’t want her to miss time with her brother/sister because a nurse had to go get her. I also know that there will be absolutely no food in my room. I can’t eat, you can’t eat! They made a cafeteria and waiting room for that not my delivery room. Lastly on my list to be organized is a photographer. We may have little time with our bundle; I want us to be able to show others the excitement and joy of our little one while we have him/her. I know that may sound like I’m planning for the worst…but in our case there aren’t many options. Yes my hopes are high, my faith is strong and prayers are daily but I’m not dumb to the “medical facts” either. Though miracles happen all the time, it doesn’t hurt to be a little prepared. That’s why we have doctors right…?

Being Silly Turns Kinda Cool

So I was having a snack before Bugs' dance class and baby was not having any of wanting to be in my belly. So I was being silly and SnapChat a random picture of my belly...and I ended up thinking it was cool how it turned out :)  

Clothes Issues

Ok I'm sorry but this is going to be a "rant"... I have the WORST time finding clothes that actually fit my belly! My frame is so small and apparently not proportional to my belly (even in pregnancy clothes) that honestly nothing fits. Bought one pair of maternity pants...too big in the butt. Found another pair I really like in the legs/butt but the elastic at the top (belly holder) is way too tight. Wore them today and I had it up for less than an hour (between pee breaks ha) and it had already left a red mark and baby was getting angry I was squishing his/her legs. Roll the belly holder down.... now it squishes into my bladder. Like I didn't already have problems peeing too much. I seriously can't even sit up straight up in my chair! I have leggings that "fit" but I don't really feel like wearing those everyday...and I can't wear my maxi skirts, I was so glad I found, when it's -3 outside!!! Now I have always had issues finding clothes and I try not to say anything because it's annoying when I hear it from others so why would I do that to someone else, everyone had body/clothes troubles...but this is getting ridiculous!

Momma Struggles

I think….things are officially getting hard. I am coming to realize that there is only 3 months left, at most, to our little bundles time of stretching my belly. As this time gets shorter and shorter things are getting harder and harder not to do. It’s not the actual thought of what could happen in 3 months that’s hard…that I have come to terms with and put my faith in God to give us strength for. Either way I understand we may be leaving the hospital without a second car seat filled or if we are blessed to take home a little bundle it’s most likely to be a long road. That isn't the part that’s hard. What’s hard is the fact that I can’t really plan. My nesting has set in and though we could use the extra organizing kick to get our house organized in general, I know the drive is the nesting. It’s a thought that sits in the back of your mind when you’re cleaning. Like “this needs to be moved and we need to make room for the extra stuff we’re going to have for the baby…” but then you remember you may not have that stuff right now. There’s also the shopping struggle. Target is the worst! Sorry Target but it’s true. I love shopping at Target, even just wasting time walking around…but these days it seems to get harder and harder. The baby section is right smack dab in the middle of the store. Worst of all every store is different so unless you know the store you’re going to end up passing the baby section. You cannot just walk around the store and not end up there. Think I’m being dramatic…try it. If you wanted to avoid it you would have to specifically think about you’re way around to avoid it but by that time you might as well have just passed it anyways. What’s even harder is I love the baby section. I love looking and shopping even for other people. That section just makes you smile :) . I am so torn for shopping. I kind of want to shop and such but then one we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl for clothes and two…I don’t want to have to worry about returning a crap ton of stuff if things don’t work out. On the other hand I also feel like we need to make a little list of things that are a must, example car seat, so someone does not have to run and go shopping if we do take our bundle home. Also since we have opted to not have a baby shower I don’t want to go and buy everything and then people are like well it’s a waste for me to go, you have everything… ehhh. It’s honestly exhausting having this fight in your head all the time.

Missing Bugs & Growing Belly

It's crazy how having this little bun in my belly has made me love my Bugs even more, which I didn't think was possible. She was gone at Grandma's all week and it felt like forever. It almost made me cry at night because I missed her so much. I'm so happy to have her home :) She's getting so big these days. I feel like she's grown like 2 years in the last month. I love even more how excited she is for the baby. I pray she gets the chance to be the big sister I know she is so excited to be. I'm not sure there would be a better sister ever. She's pretty prepared and has done it on her own drive. She has practiced diapers, holding and feeding. Planned everything out, where the baby’s stuff is going to go and such. Brings such joy to my heart.

It also brings joy to my heart how much movement is going on in my belly. I am pretty sure baby knew it was a new week Friday (28weeks) because there was a dance party going on in my belly ALL DAY. I love each movement I experience since I know one that it's a great sign for the baby and two I'm taking it in just in case it's the only time I have. I love that the baby is able to move and get stronger...but I could really tell the extra energy it takes from my body. From baby movements and working all day Friday I was so worn out I couldn't even function. I got home and sat down to relax and felt like I took like 5 sleeping pills. Words did not even want to form properly. I am in need of finding some way to extend my energy level. Even today was a lot for my body. Not that I did a lot for extreme energy...but just being up, doing a little shopping and then dinner/gifts at Mom's wore me out. I have been ready to pass out since 6pm but I didn’t want to be the sleepy pregnant loser ha. Oh the trials of a big belly ;)

There are others out there...

So in surfing Facebook today I happen to stumble upon a blog about a couple who have lost not one but two of their babies, my worst nightmare. I have worried about that since we found out the trouble with out little one, that it could repeat... http://vaporandmist.wordpress.com/celebrating-life-with-our-daughter/ Now I have never heard of either of the conditions their babys had but then again I hadn't heard of ours either. It's made me realize how much of the world we don't know. All of us have our struggles/troubles that can either keep us moving or bring us down. Reading some of their story has also reminded me of the joy I have now growing in me and how much I can't wait till he/she is born and we finally meet baby. :)

25 Weeks - Vitamin C

Hmmm Hmmmm what is there to say about something you can't tell if there's any definite update....There are things I can speculate to say things could possibly be making a hopeful change but obviously can't be sure. My belly is growing more and more, and fast - Barry thinks it's doubled in the last week :) Baby is still non-stop moving machine! Okay so there are maybe some down times, but I would say a good 75% of the day its a dance machine. I would say baby doesn't change position as far as where head and feet are. Does flip sideways which is a giant suction reaction :) But otherwise kicks and punches are generally in the same area. Pretty sure feet are kicking just below my right ribs and punches are middle to lower left side. BOOM BOOM BOOM. Sometimes these movements get a little painful but I joyfully take them and see it as a sign of good things to come. Tomorrow is week 26 :) though I know that there is not much information on our baby's troubles but I am still a little disappointed in the lack of help/suggestions by doctors. Especially being that the original specialist we talked to was a little too quick to settle on quitting when we found out. I know they don't have much information but when I told you I wanted to continue it would have been nice for a little something. Give me some ideas on what you would tell someone else who has this trouble, like if it were me in general and not my baby. Put me on a kidney diet or something instead of me feel like it's just an official death sentence ... but nope didn't happen so I'm just kind of making things up as I go. Increased my water/fluid intake. My ultimate goal is 128oz but a minimum of 70oz, still in process of training my body - takes a little time to gain that space in you body for extra fluids, especially when there's already something growing :) I also read in my baby center app about Vitamin C. No one ever told me what all it was good for. I thought it was just for your immune system like keeping you from a cold. Little did I know it's also essential for tissue repair, wound healing, bone growth and repair. Ahhh hello...why would someone not mention "hey there isn't proof of specifics but this could help. Duh the issue is cysts on tissue...and vitamin C is good for tissue repair, maybe lets give you a supplement/increase your C intake." I would have been like gee thank you that is good information to have that I could have started a month ago. They say pregnant women need at least 85mg and breastfeeding moms need 120mg, so I got some extra vitamin C with 120mg and take 1-2 of them a day. I don't know if it will help...but here's to hoping & not feeling like I'm sitting around doing nothing...