Red Rock - Home

I always hate the first week home from camp. It’s the worst, going into a restaurant and thinking I see someone from camp to remember I'm home Ha. Camp though this year was odd in itself. A little empty without the Tabernacle. Just a big open space without the staple of our camp time. It will be exciting though to see the new one up and in action. The most odd part was there were like no pictures taken...I mean we all took a few but we didn't take group photos like we usually do. There were no photos taken at the end of the week... The only picture I got was with Bugs. This may not see different to someone who has never been at camp. For those of us that have been for years though, it's a complete 180. Usually it’s like picture central the last night/day. Maybe it’s because many of us know we'll be together again next week...I'm not sure.
Otherwise camp was a blast. Bugs and I slept in, worshiped, played and enjoyed our time together and with friends. This included late nights of Spoons and Werewolves - I mean Tickle Monster. Bugs even went out in the lake, well we both did. She got her life jacket on and we SWAM out past the long weeds out to the rafts. She was a little nervous at first, it was quite a big step for her. Then she jumped off the raft the first time and loved it. We stayed out there for at least a half hour if not longer. I'm so proud of her. It's amazing to see how much she grows each year at camp. Bugs’ favorite part of camp though was getting to see her “cousin” Bella Rue. It was so cute to hear her name Bella her cousin and to love holding and taking care of her. Pretty sure every hour Bella wasn’t with us she was asking “Where’s my cousin? Is she coming to our room later/going to be where we are?” Shane and I have always been close and now adding Bobbie and Bella in, I couldn’t be happier. I’m so glad to have them in our lives and see our kids grow up together.

Coming home I felt refreshed. Okay my body did not, it's a lot of walking if you didn't know and then treading water in the lake for .5hr+ is a lot, ha. But my mind and heart were. A calming relief feeling. It feels good to be at peace and to be excited to see what the future hold for all of us.
Thank you Red Rock! Thank you God!



Oh can't forget the super cute, new born baby birds that were nested right outside Lakeview door!

makes me angry how I feel inside

Grief is a tortuous thing. Your brain tells you one thing, you know is true, but your heart screams another. I know truly I am so happy for all these people who are announcing they are expecting. It’s an amazing time not only for them but their families. And I am excited to see these babies and hold the ones close to me…that doesn’t change my grief though. It makes me want to scream because these people are having what I want. No this is not a green feeling like the grass is greener in someone else’s lawn or jealous of something someone purchased like a house…it’s the continued ache my heart and empty arms feel.
Now this may sound harsh…and I know these feelings will eventually pass. But this morning was quite hard for me. I had a meltdown in the shower I was so consumed. I love these people and am excited for them (they’re the only ones I get to be an “aunt” with so far) but at the same time they’re getting what I want. Sliding through Facebook this morning and seeing their announcement just hit me like a boulder to the chest. I think it hit harder than others because they are close with us. It’s not like I will just be able to ignore the fact of a growing belly, we’re family, we see each other.
Right now it’s just a fierce weight I’m trying to shake off. Counting down the days even more now till Red Rock! Need some immersive reflection time at the lake with people I’ve grown up worshiping with! Till then it's my Spotify playlist on repeat.

Remembering To Enjoy...

This getting back to "normal" life is still a work in progress.  I try/do it because for my family I have to. Bugs needs to know that just because something happened that we would have preferred not to doesn't change how life was or that it still goes on. So things like Wednesday night need to keep happening since Bugs is used to it, even though it sends my anxiety crazy.   I also don't want to hold Barry back/keep him from doing things because of my issues. I have come to the conclusion I need to find something else to help me get back to me.  

I have come to realize one thing I do struggle with is being Mom. Though I lost one I didn't lose both of my babies. I don't mean in the sense of wanting to ignore Bugs or something down that road...but more so feeling enjoyment again out of the little things. The energy/drive I had the first week home has since ran away. I dont know what happened. I had this energy and drive to do things around the house, play/read with Bugs but now it seems hard to pull myself together to even take her to the park. And I HATE that. Even trying to plan things as a family I feel myself getting lost halfway through and wanting to cry. Somehow I will just have to force my way through one step at a time. I will just have to make lists and force myself to try to finish things and see if that helps.  Simple things like doing a load of laundry or make some muffins. Things to keep reminding myself I'm still here and love and enjoy it.  

Starting with family night tonight :) Bugs and I snuggled and watch The Great Mouse Detective, helped Daddy a little outside and then all came in to snuggle for family slumber party in the living room. Which you of course can't have without some funny dog and cat fail videos. 

Momma Struggles

I think….things are officially getting hard. I am coming to realize that there is only 3 months left, at most, to our little bundles time of stretching my belly. As this time gets shorter and shorter things are getting harder and harder not to do. It’s not the actual thought of what could happen in 3 months that’s hard…that I have come to terms with and put my faith in God to give us strength for. Either way I understand we may be leaving the hospital without a second car seat filled or if we are blessed to take home a little bundle it’s most likely to be a long road. That isn't the part that’s hard. What’s hard is the fact that I can’t really plan. My nesting has set in and though we could use the extra organizing kick to get our house organized in general, I know the drive is the nesting. It’s a thought that sits in the back of your mind when you’re cleaning. Like “this needs to be moved and we need to make room for the extra stuff we’re going to have for the baby…” but then you remember you may not have that stuff right now. There’s also the shopping struggle. Target is the worst! Sorry Target but it’s true. I love shopping at Target, even just wasting time walking around…but these days it seems to get harder and harder. The baby section is right smack dab in the middle of the store. Worst of all every store is different so unless you know the store you’re going to end up passing the baby section. You cannot just walk around the store and not end up there. Think I’m being dramatic…try it. If you wanted to avoid it you would have to specifically think about you’re way around to avoid it but by that time you might as well have just passed it anyways. What’s even harder is I love the baby section. I love looking and shopping even for other people. That section just makes you smile :) . I am so torn for shopping. I kind of want to shop and such but then one we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl for clothes and two…I don’t want to have to worry about returning a crap ton of stuff if things don’t work out. On the other hand I also feel like we need to make a little list of things that are a must, example car seat, so someone does not have to run and go shopping if we do take our bundle home. Also since we have opted to not have a baby shower I don’t want to go and buy everything and then people are like well it’s a waste for me to go, you have everything… ehhh. It’s honestly exhausting having this fight in your head all the time.

Missing Bugs & Growing Belly

It's crazy how having this little bun in my belly has made me love my Bugs even more, which I didn't think was possible. She was gone at Grandma's all week and it felt like forever. It almost made me cry at night because I missed her so much. I'm so happy to have her home :) She's getting so big these days. I feel like she's grown like 2 years in the last month. I love even more how excited she is for the baby. I pray she gets the chance to be the big sister I know she is so excited to be. I'm not sure there would be a better sister ever. She's pretty prepared and has done it on her own drive. She has practiced diapers, holding and feeding. Planned everything out, where the baby’s stuff is going to go and such. Brings such joy to my heart.

It also brings joy to my heart how much movement is going on in my belly. I am pretty sure baby knew it was a new week Friday (28weeks) because there was a dance party going on in my belly ALL DAY. I love each movement I experience since I know one that it's a great sign for the baby and two I'm taking it in just in case it's the only time I have. I love that the baby is able to move and get stronger...but I could really tell the extra energy it takes from my body. From baby movements and working all day Friday I was so worn out I couldn't even function. I got home and sat down to relax and felt like I took like 5 sleeping pills. Words did not even want to form properly. I am in need of finding some way to extend my energy level. Even today was a lot for my body. Not that I did a lot for extreme energy...but just being up, doing a little shopping and then dinner/gifts at Mom's wore me out. I have been ready to pass out since 6pm but I didn’t want to be the sleepy pregnant loser ha. Oh the trials of a big belly ;)