makes me angry how I feel inside

Grief is a tortuous thing. Your brain tells you one thing, you know is true, but your heart screams another. I know truly I am so happy for all these people who are announcing they are expecting. It’s an amazing time not only for them but their families. And I am excited to see these babies and hold the ones close to me…that doesn’t change my grief though. It makes me want to scream because these people are having what I want. No this is not a green feeling like the grass is greener in someone else’s lawn or jealous of something someone purchased like a house…it’s the continued ache my heart and empty arms feel.
Now this may sound harsh…and I know these feelings will eventually pass. But this morning was quite hard for me. I had a meltdown in the shower I was so consumed. I love these people and am excited for them (they’re the only ones I get to be an “aunt” with so far) but at the same time they’re getting what I want. Sliding through Facebook this morning and seeing their announcement just hit me like a boulder to the chest. I think it hit harder than others because they are close with us. It’s not like I will just be able to ignore the fact of a growing belly, we’re family, we see each other.
Right now it’s just a fierce weight I’m trying to shake off. Counting down the days even more now till Red Rock! Need some immersive reflection time at the lake with people I’ve grown up worshiping with! Till then it's my Spotify playlist on repeat.