makes me angry how I feel inside

Grief is a tortuous thing. Your brain tells you one thing, you know is true, but your heart screams another. I know truly I am so happy for all these people who are announcing they are expecting. It’s an amazing time not only for them but their families. And I am excited to see these babies and hold the ones close to me…that doesn’t change my grief though. It makes me want to scream because these people are having what I want. No this is not a green feeling like the grass is greener in someone else’s lawn or jealous of something someone purchased like a house…it’s the continued ache my heart and empty arms feel.
Now this may sound harsh…and I know these feelings will eventually pass. But this morning was quite hard for me. I had a meltdown in the shower I was so consumed. I love these people and am excited for them (they’re the only ones I get to be an “aunt” with so far) but at the same time they’re getting what I want. Sliding through Facebook this morning and seeing their announcement just hit me like a boulder to the chest. I think it hit harder than others because they are close with us. It’s not like I will just be able to ignore the fact of a growing belly, we’re family, we see each other.
Right now it’s just a fierce weight I’m trying to shake off. Counting down the days even more now till Red Rock! Need some immersive reflection time at the lake with people I’ve grown up worshiping with! Till then it's my Spotify playlist on repeat.

Mother's Day

I'm so proud to be a mother. It's something I have always wanted to be and I was blessed with beautify amazing babies.


I'm also blessed to have my mother. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Bugs. I knew my situation wasn't the most ideal but she was right there with me and just as excited. When others had their doubts that about me having Bugs unmarried at 19, my mom stood by me, supported me and was there to enjoy every part of it with me. She even took me to the hospital, stayed with me and was there to welcome Bugs into the world with me. She was also there for us with Trysten. Got up in the middle of the night, sped to the hospital and was there to document our miracle so everyone could see as much of Trysten as possible. She's pretty great :) *** and yes I'm the favorite ;p


So a month or so ago I started a group on Facebook – MCDK Angels – and I'm so glad I did. Such a strong group of loving women (and a couple men but they haven’t commented at all). I started because I wanted to meet people that were going through the struggles I was. I was part of two MCDK groups that were nice but not what I was looking for. All of the people that were doing any commenting in those groups were people who had questions or comments about their kids living with MCDK. It gave me peace and yet felt like a knife to the eye at the same time. Peace that my son wasn't in that struggle, wasn't dealing with anymore kidney trouble or pain but a knife to the eye that I wasn't able to hold and comfort him anymore. That I won’t get those milestones with him. It just is. With this group though I’ve been able to meet people who are going through the same things I am. The seesaw of emotions. Loving kids but also wanting to burst into tears. We all just have this connection and can be there to empathizes and support one another. Some days are good and some days are not so much but we are able to come together and help each other get through it. Share pictures of our babies and stuggles that may be weighing us down. I think of them daily but they were especially in my heart yesterday on Mother’s Day. The reminders can sting a little bit.
I hope everyone had a joy filled Mother’s Day and was able to smile!

Seeing Babies

Babies are such an amazing thing. If you have one of your own or not you can’t deny how miraculous they are. I have loved being around babies since I was very young. To be honest the reason I went to church when I was younger was to work in the nursery with all the babies  I don’t even mind fussing babies. If I’m holding someone else’s baby and they start fussing and they’re like “you want me to take them?” Nope I’m good. I just marvel in them. This little thing came out of someone and changed everyone’s world for the better and they have no idea. They’re just there soaking in the love and attention.
One thing I thought and was honestly a little worried about when we lost Trysten was that I wasn’t going to be able to look at someone else’s baby the way I always have before. That thought when you’re lying in the hospital bed crying over your child, that every time you see another baby you’re just going to have a meltdown. Yes it is hard. Hard to see other Moms loving their babies and making them smile. Hard to see a mom get frustrated with their child and you want to go up to them and say hey just remember though they frustrate you now…think if they weren’t there anymore –and I know I’m not the only one that has these feelings. Though that part is hard I’m glad my love/draw to babies hasn’t gone away. Yes there are different thoughts that go through my head now than before but I still admire babies that go by and get excited to see them.
I was very lucky Sunday to get to meet little Aaliyah – was so amazing. She was so small and precious. She was only 4 days old  . I couldn’t put her down! Literally ha we had lunch at Applebee’s and I just held her the whole time. Enjoyed that weight and feeling in my arms again. It was so cute to see Bugs with her too. She held Aaliyah a few times, was adorable. We laughed when she said she was heavy but for a six year old I suppose 3lb is a bit of weight, since Trysten was 4+ and Aaliyah was 7+. Really just enjoyed the afternoon with Desi and getting to meet her new little bundle. Still trying to convince her to move down ;) ha.
This whole thing though has really opened my eyes to the things that are worth stressing over. The things that I used to get frustrated over just don’t seem to matter at all anymore. Just a lot more settled and oddly happy.

garage sale, shopping and meat raffle

Felt good to get away and have some fun. Friday we went up and stayed at Angee's for the weekend. It was jam packed with funness ;) Saturday Tim and his daughter (Bunny) came over and we headed off to the State Fair Education Building for a big kids "garage sale". They had so much stuff there it was crazy. I had never gone before so I wasn't sure what to expect but it was a lot of fun. Told Bugs she had $20 she could pick out whatever she wanted and away we went table to table, rack to rack. We found a few good deals. She got a new pair of needed shoes. [she came home one day from school with her gym shoes on....yeah there was a giant hole in the big toe of BOTH shoes. when I asked how long they had been like that she was like "I don't know.." kids ha] I found an awesome Lite-Brite! It wasn't the classic ones we had as kids but a portable one, even better. It was only $3 and the only thing it didn't have was the papers...lucky you can just print those online. I am still super excited about it ha. Bugs loves it too. She was also excited she found one of those "living monkey" toys. The thing moves, eats, farts and snores. I also got a bunch of stuff for my friends little girl whom will hopefully make her entrance soon :) and by soon I mean this week so when we go back to the cities we can see her. I also ran into an old friend which is always fun. Haven't seen her other than chats and photos on Facebook for a few years.
I wasn't sure going into the sale how seeing all the baby stuff would go but it was ok. I kept looking at the stuff wanting to buy it but had to remember at this time we don't have a use for it. It did help a bit being able to shop for someone else. I found her this super cute summer dress set. Kind of satisfies that urge to buy baby things. I'm pretty sure one of the ladys at the sale thought I was a crazy creeper...she was carrying her little baby girl who looked about Trysten's age (2mo). Couldn't help myself but to just stare and admire. She was so cute.
After that we all went to the Mall of America and the girls filled a Build-a-Bear :) Bugs made a Toothless and Bunny made a My Little Pony, they had so much fun. All six of us also got glittery tattoos l, ooo. :) Then it was off to the meat raffle to meet up with Dad, Kelly and Cam. Barry and I won some bacon and Tim & Ang got some pork chops mmm. So much fun. Then we went back to the house and had a giant fire. You know it's big when you're using the play area sand box for your fire instead of the fire pit. Sunday after we finally got up and going went to the theater and saw Home, very cute movie. The whole weekend was so much fun. Nice to get away, relax and have some fun. Which with the weather getting nicer I'm getting more and more excited to go to the lake. Good family hangout time.

Celebration of Life

Saturday night we had our Celebration of Life for Trysten, it was wonderful! A roller of emotion but it was great to get together and visit with everyone. I’m so thankful for all of the love and support from everyone. I’ve honestly been overwhelmed with joy at the thought of it. I knew before that we had a lot of friends and family…but when you go through something like we are you realize just how much more everyone means to you and you to them. And to know that people are willing to take time out of their lives and even more so drive a distance to celebrate a life, some didn’t get a chance to hold but came in support of us, is amazing! I honestly know I wouldn’t be getting through this if wasn’t for everyone around me and the joy they have brought with them. What’s even more amazing is the thought that not everyone was able to make it that day but has more than reached out and shared their love and support with us. It means the world to me.



The celebration was great. There were balloons, pictures, food, friends and family. I was so honored and thankful my Grandpa Lidke was able to do a little service for Trysten. I know I am bias in that I love hearing my Grandpa speak/preach, you know I’ve only been doing it all my life ;) , but having him be able to speak in honor of Trysten was just that much more meaningful. In a perfect world I would have gotten my way and he would have been able to make it to the hospital and baptize Trysten there, but he decided to make his entrance early while they were still in Florida. Having him say a few words there with everyone around was even better though. I got to share him and his way with the word with everyone. I feel so blessed that we were able to share that time with everyone.
After everyone was stuffed with food and had fun chatting we went out to let some balloons go in honor. I originally wanted to let Chinese Lanterns go but apparently in MN that’s not allowed :( so we got balloons instead. We had a mix of tie-dye and light up balloons. Since it was getting late and not really dark we chose to let some go with everyone there and then when it got dark Barry, Bugs, Jaime, D’wayne, Wyatt and I let a few of the light up ones go. They looked so awesome in the dark. Bugs loved the whole thing!
I’m so thankful to be able to have had the Celebration of Life, for all the people that helped us pull it together, for all the people who were able to make it and those who were there in thought.



Isaiah 45:11-12 “This is what the Lord says – the Holy One of Israel, and its maker: Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it. My own hands stretched out the heavens; I marshaled their starry hosts. …”

Teamotions

So the other day I got my Teamotions package in the mail. YAY! I was so excited…and still am. I absolutely love it. First of the packaging was so cute. This little box with a bow on it. It also came with a hand written note that meant so much to me. She had read my blog and knew my sons name. You can’t get much better than that when looking at investing your time and money into someone’s company. Everything was tucked neatly and tightly in the box. I had to try it right when I opened it. Washed my cup, heated my water and let the tea set. It smelled great as soon as I put the water in. I’m so glad I got the gift package. The set is amazing. It’s so easy and brews wonderfully. The cap keeps the water from getting cold while the tea brews. Even though I want to also get the to go mug, for now I'm happy the brew cup fits on a regular mug that I can brew before I go. It was delicious first sip to last. I am so glad that I got it. It really lifted my spirits and tasted great. I am so excited to order some more flavors. I completely recommend this tea to anyone who loves tea, especially if you need a little spiritual lift. :)

Baby mail

So I think I've handled myself decently well as far as the residual emails and such relating to my pregnancy and “having a baby”. But getting mail really bugs me. I didn’t sign up for it so why is it coming to me. I don’t know if it’s something that is triggered from the hospital. “Hey there was a delivery, send them information about their baby, products they might be interested and such”. Gee thanks. If that’s going to be the case there needs to be a big red button that says halt do not send to this family…they are left with empty arms and do not need a reminder like mail giving information about things they cannot use. Thank you for the thought but it is not helpful.