Anxiety. Loss. Remembrance.

I remember when we found out we were pregnant, the anxiety covered me like a wool blanket. I knew it was a different pregnancy and things weren't likely to be the same, but that didn't make the anxiety go away. I kept telling myself, we just need to get past 20 weeks, know every things okay and I'll be fine. 20 weeks came and went and that wasn't the case. I was so happy when I was able to start feeling her kick around in my belly. Thought okay we're fine now. I can feel her every things okay. The anxiety was still there. Knowing that just because we got over one hump didn't mean something else couldn't happen... Then I kept telling myself, I just need her here. Once she's out, I can hold her and see her, my anxiety will go away. I was very wrong. It's almost worse.

Today she turns a month and I still have a hard time sleeping without her in my direct view (with my back turned to her bed or me "relaxing" with her in the other room). It's a battle I'm realizing will never go away. It's not just her sleeping either. It's every thing, even feeding. As we hit the month time and I can now start pumping, it scares me more than I ever thought I could be. To have her not connected to me every time is a hard thing for me to come to terms with, which is weird because I didn't have that with Bugs. I need to start coming to terms and start pumping though to get ready for our weekend away to St. Louis. Which is taking everything I have not to back out of. It's one thing to be away from Bugs, she's older. She can call me when she wants to and has so much fun visiting people. Nars on the other hand, not so easy to let my rainbow be away from me in someone else's care.

The heavy shadow seems worse today. It doesn't help much I know I'm not the only one missing my son today. As I reflect on what Trysten would be doing today, especially as Nars progresses in her development. Yes he would be over a year and a month today but seeing the things she's doing makes me realize even more than last year about the things we are missing with him. I guess that's the down side of having a little one so soon after, it's all still so fresh. The worst part though is I know most of Lanesboro is in a state of grieving also. Not for Trysten but for other lost too soon Sons. Today marks the 10th anniversary of Ruen. It's crazy how well I still remember that day. The day we were all back here in Lanesboro and got the news he had passed. Though we knew that's not a funny April Fools, it didn't stop us from hoping it was all a joke. How could such a great guy be taken from us and on a trip with friends. It was too gut wrenching to be real. My heart is also with Bergo's as they lay their 10 year old son to rest. That was one of the hardest day of my life when we picked up Trysten's ashes.

anxiety feels...

I don’t mean the “I’m running late for work” anxiety, I’m talking about the kind that overcomes you. The kind that won’t just shake off. Simply…it hurts. You could be going along with your day, feeling just fine and then it just creeps up on you and hits like a sledgehammer. I didn’t even see it coming yesterday. Woke up feeling, honestly…., pretty great. Sent Bugs off to school, sent Barry to work and got ready for my day. Had big plans for the day . First stop Jaime, Target, Macy’s, eye doctor, Ashley, maybe get some tea then back home. Nowhere in that the bright sun shined filled horizon (literally it was beautiful out yesterday) did I see getting hit by the anxiety bomb. I wasn’t worried about anything in particular, I didn’t feel like crying, I was honestly feeling good about where I was. Looking back there were things that went wrong but I wasn’t feeling anxious or even really upset about them. The anxiety just took a major life of its own yesterday. The devil really tried to get me. So yes there were some bumps yesterday, as you may know from Facebook. If you don’t here’s the quick replay.
Target – sent 200 photos from the kiosk through the 1hr photo, got there to pick them up and they told me they had no paper. Now yes there was a small sign on the kiosk that said no 5x7”…I didn’t order 5x7”s I ordered 5x5” and 3x5”s. apparently they don’t have all individual sized paper and must use all 5x7”s to print those out. Doesn’t make sense to me but that’s the impression I got.
Macy’s/Origins – had a coupon for a free sample, walked in no sample there. The Macy’s one apparently does not honor the Origins direct coupons, it has to be a Macy’s coupon. Not cool Macy’s.
Eye doctor – went in at 1:25 to see if I could get in early (my appointment was for 1:40). The lady at the desk said the doctor was actually running late and it would be more like 1:50. I told her I would just come back in a little bit. … Time pass, long enough for Macy’s to tell me they wouldn’t take my coupon. … I got back 1:50/55 latest, she told me I was late and the doctor had gone on lunch. WHAT!? Ok whatever I have to go back up Thursday, I will come then.
Then I went to see Ashley, talked way longer than she probably should have ;) no big was feeling good. We had some tea and even felt spontaneous and got Mom a new straightener.
Nowhere in that mix did I have a clue of what was coming. Started driving to pick up Bugs and it started to hit. Kind of like the feeling you get when you drink too much coffee or something. You get that kind of caffeine tingle I guess I would call it. Stomach starts to be pained like someone is squeezing or pushing on it hard. That pain that nothing seems to ease except putting pressure on it, I shove my elbow into it. Then the headache, chest/limb pain and exhaustion starts setting in. The kind that makes you feel like you can’t even make a simple decision, you just want to take some Tylenol and try and sleep it off. By the time I picked up Bugs I decided I wasn’t going to cook because I was probably going to wreck it or burn myself in the process so we went out. I had to try and be functional enough to get through dinner but keep to myself and not make my anxiety worse. It’s not fun for anyone if that happens, everyone just gets frustrated and mad. After Bugs went to bed I tried to “relax” and just watch a little TV. I just couldn’t shake the weight so I tried to go to bed. That never really works, unless you’re going to take something that knocks you out. Laying there you feel like your whole body is being shaken but your laying still. You close your eyes and they just roll around and you feel like you’re floating (not in the fun way) and can’t come down and settle. The only thing that semi helps luckily is when we snuggle in and Barry wraps his arms around me. It’s like an anchor that keeps me level. And though the feelings don’t go away instantly I can slowly feel them easing away. There’s usually still a wrestles night with short breaths ahead but at least the others things start to go away.
Most people don’t realize how debilitating anxiety really can be. I know I didn’t till it happened to me. I was always like “really just chill, everything will work out”. And yes I still believe that. Everything does work out for something in the end and usually things aren’t as bad as it feels when you’re feeling like your being suffocated. But this is also a different kind of anxiety than just the bills need to be paid. A kind that your head and heart could be just fine but the anxiety tries to take you over.

Wednesday Rerun

Honestly Wednesday's are just not my days. They are not good to me at all. Doesn't help that those days seem to be the days we have to go to the funeral home for things, but hopefully that is checked off the list. 

Waking up on Wednesdays though is like those movies where the people keep waking up on the same day over and over. Without noticing, cuz sometimes my days are all over the place, or consciously thinking about it my mind starts to replay every thing from the day our son was born (Wednesday morning). It's not that I want to forget because it is a beautiful memory and one that I cherish. But right now it's still hard to fully ejpnjoy the beauty without  the sadness that try's to drownd it. 

Yesterday we went and saw my doctor and chatted about how crazy that morning was. We filled her in on what all happened (family/friends wise) and how things were going since.  We laughed about how fast baby progressed and came out. :)   It was good to smile, even if it was just for a little while. 

So I am taking people's advice and sitting down to talk with a specialist.  I'm a little hesitant because I'm not sure how it's going to go, what I'm going to say...but maybe it'll help. Especially for my anxiety because for me right now that's what I struggle with the most. I seem to be able to at least fake it through the looking normal ("fake it till you make it" right?) but my anxiety is what over takes me. Though I'm able to do things every now and then, the anxiety is crippling and exhausts me. I guess we will find out the beginning of April.  

Remembering To Enjoy...

This getting back to "normal" life is still a work in progress.  I try/do it because for my family I have to. Bugs needs to know that just because something happened that we would have preferred not to doesn't change how life was or that it still goes on. So things like Wednesday night need to keep happening since Bugs is used to it, even though it sends my anxiety crazy.   I also don't want to hold Barry back/keep him from doing things because of my issues. I have come to the conclusion I need to find something else to help me get back to me.  

I have come to realize one thing I do struggle with is being Mom. Though I lost one I didn't lose both of my babies. I don't mean in the sense of wanting to ignore Bugs or something down that road...but more so feeling enjoyment again out of the little things. The energy/drive I had the first week home has since ran away. I dont know what happened. I had this energy and drive to do things around the house, play/read with Bugs but now it seems hard to pull myself together to even take her to the park. And I HATE that. Even trying to plan things as a family I feel myself getting lost halfway through and wanting to cry. Somehow I will just have to force my way through one step at a time. I will just have to make lists and force myself to try to finish things and see if that helps.  Simple things like doing a load of laundry or make some muffins. Things to keep reminding myself I'm still here and love and enjoy it.  

Starting with family night tonight :) Bugs and I snuggled and watch The Great Mouse Detective, helped Daddy a little outside and then all came in to snuggle for family slumber party in the living room. Which you of course can't have without some funny dog and cat fail videos.