anxiety feels...

I don’t mean the “I’m running late for work” anxiety, I’m talking about the kind that overcomes you. The kind that won’t just shake off. Simply…it hurts. You could be going along with your day, feeling just fine and then it just creeps up on you and hits like a sledgehammer. I didn’t even see it coming yesterday. Woke up feeling, honestly…., pretty great. Sent Bugs off to school, sent Barry to work and got ready for my day. Had big plans for the day . First stop Jaime, Target, Macy’s, eye doctor, Ashley, maybe get some tea then back home. Nowhere in that the bright sun shined filled horizon (literally it was beautiful out yesterday) did I see getting hit by the anxiety bomb. I wasn’t worried about anything in particular, I didn’t feel like crying, I was honestly feeling good about where I was. Looking back there were things that went wrong but I wasn’t feeling anxious or even really upset about them. The anxiety just took a major life of its own yesterday. The devil really tried to get me. So yes there were some bumps yesterday, as you may know from Facebook. If you don’t here’s the quick replay.
Target – sent 200 photos from the kiosk through the 1hr photo, got there to pick them up and they told me they had no paper. Now yes there was a small sign on the kiosk that said no 5x7”…I didn’t order 5x7”s I ordered 5x5” and 3x5”s. apparently they don’t have all individual sized paper and must use all 5x7”s to print those out. Doesn’t make sense to me but that’s the impression I got.
Macy’s/Origins – had a coupon for a free sample, walked in no sample there. The Macy’s one apparently does not honor the Origins direct coupons, it has to be a Macy’s coupon. Not cool Macy’s.
Eye doctor – went in at 1:25 to see if I could get in early (my appointment was for 1:40). The lady at the desk said the doctor was actually running late and it would be more like 1:50. I told her I would just come back in a little bit. … Time pass, long enough for Macy’s to tell me they wouldn’t take my coupon. … I got back 1:50/55 latest, she told me I was late and the doctor had gone on lunch. WHAT!? Ok whatever I have to go back up Thursday, I will come then.
Then I went to see Ashley, talked way longer than she probably should have ;) no big was feeling good. We had some tea and even felt spontaneous and got Mom a new straightener.
Nowhere in that mix did I have a clue of what was coming. Started driving to pick up Bugs and it started to hit. Kind of like the feeling you get when you drink too much coffee or something. You get that kind of caffeine tingle I guess I would call it. Stomach starts to be pained like someone is squeezing or pushing on it hard. That pain that nothing seems to ease except putting pressure on it, I shove my elbow into it. Then the headache, chest/limb pain and exhaustion starts setting in. The kind that makes you feel like you can’t even make a simple decision, you just want to take some Tylenol and try and sleep it off. By the time I picked up Bugs I decided I wasn’t going to cook because I was probably going to wreck it or burn myself in the process so we went out. I had to try and be functional enough to get through dinner but keep to myself and not make my anxiety worse. It’s not fun for anyone if that happens, everyone just gets frustrated and mad. After Bugs went to bed I tried to “relax” and just watch a little TV. I just couldn’t shake the weight so I tried to go to bed. That never really works, unless you’re going to take something that knocks you out. Laying there you feel like your whole body is being shaken but your laying still. You close your eyes and they just roll around and you feel like you’re floating (not in the fun way) and can’t come down and settle. The only thing that semi helps luckily is when we snuggle in and Barry wraps his arms around me. It’s like an anchor that keeps me level. And though the feelings don’t go away instantly I can slowly feel them easing away. There’s usually still a wrestles night with short breaths ahead but at least the others things start to go away.
Most people don’t realize how debilitating anxiety really can be. I know I didn’t till it happened to me. I was always like “really just chill, everything will work out”. And yes I still believe that. Everything does work out for something in the end and usually things aren’t as bad as it feels when you’re feeling like your being suffocated. But this is also a different kind of anxiety than just the bills need to be paid. A kind that your head and heart could be just fine but the anxiety tries to take you over.