Though I have known the possibility of what's to happen....I have noticed how much harder and harder it gets to think about as more and more people ask about it. I don't mean this to be against or angry at them by any means, I would ask the same questions if it were someone I knew. Just explaining it reminds me more so of the tragic possibility more so than the chance of hope. The ability to plan and know is lost and that makes things so much harder. Not that parenting gives you any answers or definite path but it seems less like something horrible is going to happen when someone's not right there telling/reminding you. It's like if someone sent you a message that said in 1 year from today I'm going to kidnap your child and they are going to be mine forever and you can't do anything about it except enjoy the time you have with your child knowing your time is dwindling. As much as you would love every minute of the time you have together you also have that dark shadow following you with the reminder of the to come. Yes I know there is a chance we come home with no bundle to fill a crib...
As I lay here resting my bell, enjoying the movements/kicks of my little bundle, I'm torn. Wanting to treasure this time as long as I can. Knowing this is definite time I have with my baby. I am also torn to the side that I want to see my little one more and more. Be able to hold him/her, count their toes, see the smiles and finally give a name to the joy growing in my belly. I have never really been one to wonder/fear the future....until now. I have always believed that everything would work out, though I didn't know what that meant... Knowing for sure now there are two possibilities makes it seem harder for my faith to light the way.
...but I'm trying hard to remain strong in my faith/hope that miracles can happen. I know this to be true most definite in my family more than once, so I keep trying to remind myself of these miracles and that it could happen again.
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