I find this to be true even more so every day. Like today. Like most days if it were an option I would just stay in bed all day, never leave, but that’s not. Bugs needs to go to school, I need to be there for her and Barry and I also need to take care of myself and not get lost in the grief that tries to overtake me. The good in today already was getting up to take Bugs to school for Books and Breakfast. We spent some time the two of us to have muffins/cinnamon roll and read some books at school. Though there were tons of other people there it felt like it was just us.
After I sent her to class with many kisses and hugs I was off to meet Deb for some coffee and catching up. By catching up I mean hugs, pictures and Deb reminding me of all the wonderful things :) . She said words were spoken to her in that I would be a help to others who are struggling with loss. Though I am still working things out myself I hope this is true (that is why I started this blog, for my grieving process and to help others).
When she left I stayed behind to do some web surfing. My plan was to look at design things…of course as most times surfing I got distracted. I went to send an email, which brought to view all the daily digests of my pregnancy signups. Since my son was born I went through to unsubscribe and then figured I’d change my information on BabyCenter.com…when you remove a pregnancy it pops up with information/sources about losing your baby and honoring a baby who dies. I’m so glad I got distracted. Though I didn’t feel like I needed ‘help’ with how to honor/remember our son, it did validate all the things I am and hope to do. I didn’t know October 15th was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Quote from the site says, "Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss. Our goal is to help others relate to our loss … and to help families live with their loss, not 'get over' their loss." This is too true and what I hope to help others with and what Deb brought up. I said when we first found out I went looking for ‘support’, find out what others had to say about the disease and their story…there wasn’t any. I wanted to put our story out there to hopefully help someone else that may experience this in the future or who has and is looking to know they’re not alone. Like Zapanta said, “…we want to talk about it.” We never will ‘get over’ the loss of our son/brother and I wouldn’t want to. He is a part of our lives even if it isn’t in flesh. We still knew him and loved him, why should we just forget that. I feel most joyful that we were able to have some time with him. We were able to take pictures, hold him and make little mementos, our family tree and our molds. We will always remember that and have that time to look back on. February 25th will always be a special day for our family.
Guess I was at the coffee shop a while ;), Deb stopped back for lunch…with a little baby :). When everything first happened I thought for a long time I would have a hard time seeing little babies. That’s luckily not the case. Though it’s not the easiest it still brings a smile to my face and I’m drawn to them. I still want to see their cute little face as they walk by, wrap them up in my arms and take it all in. Babies are so precious it’s just a joy that comes over me. Even though I wish I could hold my little Trysten again, I take in the joy of holding others. All the smiles and noises they make. I guess it’s like getting back on the horse when you fall off…
Sons on my heart:
Held, Natalie Grant
Another Day, Natalie Grant
*** Actually the whole Awaken CD :) I have been drawn to this CD since I first saw her in concert many years ago...but now the message/comfort has changed some.
Better Hands Now, Natalie Grant
*** A new one to me today, but words spoken to my heart.
Be Still & Know - Bridge City
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