Being in public I feel like a clown with a smile painted on. Yes there are times the smiles/laughs are real but a lot of the time it’s hiding the tears being held back.
So Saturday night we went out with some friends (people Barry went to school with). Like I said before getting out is not very easy for me but I have to try if I want to get sort of normal and I knew Barry wanted to go, so we did. It brought me comfort that we were going with Tif and his girlfriend, I feel comfortable with them, so I knew even if things got awkward/hard I could talk to them and try to ignore it. And they know the whole story so if I had a breakdown they know what’s up.
My anxiety started up from the beginning, going out to dinner with everyone. I was just hoping no one brought it up, I wanted to try and be as normal as possible or at least act like it. Good thing was no one brought it up. Made it through dinner... Then we got to the comedy show and that's where it really started to get hard. We met another couple there who just had another baby and people were asking "how's parenthood, again?" Ouch. For me it was just a reminder of what we don't get to do right now :/ But I think I hid it ok that no one realized the tears I was fighting back. Then we went up to the show. It was a great show, some very funny comedians, so funny I had to buy their CDs (Jeff Bodart & Stewart Huff). But in the middle of the show I looked over and saw an old friend. Which was cool because I haven't seen him in a while but also was another stab to the heart because the first thing that came to mind was the pictures of his family welcoming their second baby. I couldn't even bring myself to say hi.
After the show some of us went to get some pie. I mean it was 3/14/15 after all ;).
Honestly this was the hardest part and made me feel extremely fake. So there were 4 couples that went, girls sat at one table and guys at another right next to us. We had some great conversation, which was good for me…but I wasn't sure who all knew about our situation and of course parent/baby talk came up. Two of us have had baby's and the other two had not so when like labor and stuff got brought up, there was obviously a complete difference from Bugs and Trysten, it was hard not to say anything. I just kept referring to Trysten as "this time" :( I didn't want to start crying or make people feel uncomfortable so I didn't want to draw complete attention to the subject that people would ask how he was doing or such but also wanted to join the conversation...I wanted to be involved/normal but it felt so fake at the same time. Then I just felt stupid…my brains still not completely connecting right so I get stuck in mid conversation. I ordered cheese cake and the whole night every time I went to say cheesecake it would not come out. I’m really just still having trouble getting my brain to focus, connect and feel like I can interact with people in a normal sense.
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