I'm a wreck still some days

Some days are still a wreck. Yesterday….was one of those days. I was a major wreck across the board. It’s good because I know I need it to work through things but it’s not the greatest feeling and makes me feel out of control. My head gets so fogged and headache filled that it’s sometimes hard to even form sentences. It drains all of my energy. I went through the basket of things from the hospital. Getting rid of the papers that we didn’t need and making sure there wasn’t anything we needed to attend to sitting in there. What brought on the tears were the papers of life. His baptism and brief life certificate with his little foot prints. It broke me down. I wanted to touch is wiggling toes, make him giggle. It honestly didn’t help either I was naughty. By naughty I mean I watched two videos I know I shouldn’t have. Before I say this I want to make it known that I am so happy for these people, it’s just extremely hard to hear/watch being where I am. I saw a couple stories/videos of baby miracles. The one that really hit me and kind of really wrecked me for the rest of the day was a story about a baby that was said to have passed but after some chest to chest contact and a miracle from God he started to wake up. Now I feel so wonderful for those people (the boy now 5 years old) and even more so because I would never even think about wishing this pain onto anyone…it’s more so a regret on my side. Even though I know if a miracle was going to happen it would have no matter what we had done, but it’s a small regret that I have that we didn’t give him any real skin to skin contact before he passed. At the time things were happening so fast, emotions were crazy and at the beginning he had the air tube. I also wanted to share him with all of our family over being greedy and keeping him for myself, and I don’t regret that at all. He is loved by so many and it makes me happy they were able to enjoy him while he was with us.
It’s all just a work in progress. I’m so thankful I have such a wonderful guy to work through this with. He knows when I just need some space to deal and strong arms to squeeze around me and let me cry then helps me laugh again. I’m not sure what I would do without him!