Christmas, What We're Missing and Looking Forward To Come.

The best part of Christmas though, the best gift I could and did receive....from my Dad. He got a cute polar bear ornament and put Trysten's bracelet on the back.

Christmas.... Merry Christmas has come and gone I guess sort of. Christmas day is gone but we still have more to go. This Christmas was an off/odd one. For the first time in like ever I actually planned ahead with my gift getting. Normally I'm frantic on the way to Christmas celebrations trying to pickup gift cards and such. This year though I had almost all gifts done and wrapped before we left the house. I only had to pickup one gift card (because I finally decided which I wanted to get), swap a present because someone had already gotten that same one :) and then Cams chicken because I forgot the ones we bought in the freezer in our rush to get on the road - go me! As far as the "Festive Christmas" feel though...it really wasn't there. We didn't put up like any decorations, no tree (which luckily Bugs wasn't too partial to having one), it started because we didn't know where to put it. We also have boxes all over from cleaning/organizing and with Mable we figured she'd get into it more than the cat ha. It just didn't feel much like Christmas for me. I didn't realize it at first as to why but then sitting in evening service it sunk in...I miss Trysten. Last year I was sitting in the same church holding my growing moving belly, listening to the same story and singing the same songs. This year I should be doing the same but also planning presents for a starting to walk little boy. Enjoying his first Christmas. Christmas with him and Bugs, seeing and waiting for Santa to come. I think what made it harder is seeing all the pictures of other little babies on Facebook getting ready for the Holidays. Though they made me smile and excited for them it also reminded me of what we will always miss. Yes that's a really sad thing to think about but it's also the truth. It's the truth we will never be able to get away from. There's also another truth though...if Trysten were here today there is a likely chance we wouldn't be planning for Bugs' little sister. As weird as that sounds, almost trading one for the other...but maybe God has something planned/thought of. I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened, having two babies that close together but it's also something I've never really planned. I like the thought of my babies having some distance. Now 7 years was a little more than I anticipated...but it is whats in God plan is in his plan and it does excite me a bit. Though she was super excited at 5/6, she's even more excited now. She's going to be an amazing big sister again. Even though Trysten's not here in body, she's still the best big sister to him any mother could ask for. She thinks of him all the time and warms my heart. She's so exited to take care of her little sister. Feed, change, play and everything else. Even with other babies she's a super big sis they may not have. Like with J, she just loves that little girl. She talks all the time about babysitting her and if we say we're going to the cities - "are we going to see J?" :) . Makes me so excited. Two months at most and Bugs is going to be the happiest girl in the world. Holy crap two months!!!

Preannouncement Blogs

6/30Father’s Day we found out we are pregnant again!!! EEK! So excited and terrified at the same time. I’m so excited, why wouldn’t you be. The excitement is in like over drive major. Not only do I want to tell everyone but I also am in major planning mode. I want to get everything setup and ready…I know sounds crazy, I’m only like 5 weeks along. I think though since we didn’t get to with Trysten I have all of those residual excitement/planning that it just adds to this time. The other half of me though is honestly terrified. Not of being pregnant but what could happen. I know, I know….not good to think like that…need to be positive. Yay yay well don’t want to hear it, not that easy. There’s not only the fear that the same thing could happen again but also a million other things… such as any of the other major compilations there is to worry about when first pregnant and haven’t had an ultrasound yet and also the now ever knowing first hand that you don’t know what’s going to happen. We could have a wonderful pregnancy, well a healthy pregnancy – I’m already sick as a dog ha, and for some reason things not work out. Now yes I know these are events that we have no control over and no use I fretting over them because we can’t control them…but those fears are still legit and there. I’m trying my best to keep praying and putting all my faith in God that he will bless us with a healthy baby. Going in though I know whatever time we have with this little bundle we will treasure and are excited.
Now this is not being posted now, and will be later. I’m only 5 weeks….and I honestly don’t want to fully spread the word (even to family) till we know for sure how things are – so like 17-20 weeks. And yes I am going to make my doctor set me up for appointments every week during that time ;) I want to make sure that if it does happen again we know right away so we can be prepared and have a chance to do the things I regret not doing with Trysten. --- I honestly miss him more now than I did before…

8/13/15
I’m now 11 weeks and still trying to shake the sickness. Though it sucks, the nausea all the time, I’m ok with it because I know what’s to come and know that baby is still there. It’s just not fair to others…I’m pretty useless. On the other hand we were going to wait to announce till 17-20 weeks…yeah not really going to work. I’m growing a little faster than I did with Bugs and Trysten, waiting that long will be a little hard to hide it. I have told a few people, you know you just get excited and have to tell someone or you’ll explode but not family yet, well other than Mom (Bugs slipped by accident, and GGHei because they won’t be able to come next Saturday). We are getting super excited though about our announcement party (Aug. 2nd). Really hoping it goes well. Bugs is super excited to have people over to play in the pool. I think I’m most nervous to announce… worried that people won’t be excited but more so give us the “really?” look. Though it is what it is, what God had in the works for us. We said we weren’t going to hinder it (b.c.) but we weren’t going to super try. If God blessed us, he blessed us. I’m so excited but at the same time still waiting for that 16/or so week mark just to make sure baby doesn’t have the same condition as Trysten. Yes I know they say it won’t happen again…but lightning can strike the same place more than once. I don’t want it to seem like I sit home in a corner shaking stressing about it but it is a concern that just reminds myself to enjoy every minute we have incase it’s taken away from us again. From that I will say I’m super excited and this weekend
we’ll hopefully take our announcement picture, exciting!

8/25
Today is six months since Trysten passed. Honestly when it first happened I didn’t think I would make it this far. More so, I knew I would make it “through”, imagining 6 months later was something I just couldn’t see clearly. Being this long without him seemed impossible and still feels like it a little bit. Now looking at it it’s even crazier to think in 6 months/less we will be welcoming another little bundle into our arms. I’m beyond excited and yet terrified. I know Trysten’s kidneys were classified as a by chance happening….but as they say, lightning can strike in one spot more than once. Now yes that probably sounds super skeptical and bad thinking but I think of it more as preparation and reminder to slow down to enjoy every minute. A lot of times when you’re pregnant you think it’s a certain thing. You’re going to grow this baby and things are going to be wonderful and you’re guaranteed to come home with a baby…this isn’t so a lot of the time. I knew before I was even pregnant with Bugs that this is not so. There are many people out there who struggle with infertility or experience miscarriage(s). The bad part is those are both very common and worse is that those aren’t the only thing that could happen. I experienced firsthand when I was younger the high of finding out a baby was growing and then to find out shortly later it didn’t make it, more than once. There are so many things that can happen. Reasons we may never know of why are our babies are taken from us. Even going into labor isn’t a for sure thing as too many have found out. I am so excited to be carrying this bundle, but I am also aware to know that I’m just taking one day and moment at a time. I will be able to fully breath when baby is finally out, in my arms and is healthy. Till then I’ll enjoy my time and growing belly.

10/09
Today we find out…find out what our little bundle is going to be. Well that’s the hopes anyways ha. This is so bitter sweet it’s a little hard to even take in whats happening today. This time a year ago (20weeks) we were going in to see what our little Trysten was going to be. Though we know already that’s not the same situation this time, I requested an ultra sound at 18 to check water levels and kidneys, it doesn’t take away the scared and torn feeling. I’m so excited for this little miracle but it makes me miss Trysten at the same time.
***
We're excited to announce we are having a girl! Bugs is a little disappointed right now..she was hoping for a boy. I think that just goes more with what happened with Trysten but I know as time gets closer and stuff she will come to be excited for a sister. We'll all be happy with whichever, just prayers for a healthy baby. I'm so excited for her to be a "big sister", to actually get to experience it, she's amazing with babies.

Supporting Our Kids...

So it's been all over the news/web about the teacher that told the boy he couldn't include a picture of his angel brother in his project. Now I haven't seen her response to the whole thing but I feel so sorry not only for him but for his whole family. Its hard enough struggling as a parent to know the "right" way to handle a situation like that and then to have a teacher, someone who is supposed to support the child, tell him it's wrong to smile at the fact that he had a sibling....   
We we're very lucky with Bugs' teacher and the whole school. We informed her teacher in advance there might be a chance Trysten wouldn't be coming home from the hospital. She was very understanding and willing to support Bugs with what was to come. After we lost Trysten her and a few others from school gave us a little care package including a book, stuffed animal and dinner and welcomed her back to class with wide arms. Bugs was also not only allowed but encouraged to bring photos of Trysten to share at circle time. her friends also knew what happened and were supportive and loving.  We got handmade cards and such from them with drawn pictures of her and her brother. Even now being almost a year since he passed she receives the same support. She misses her brother but she loves talking about him and imagining what he would be doing if he we're still here. I feel so lucky she attends a school that's like an extended family. They understand life happens and to embrace it instead of covering it up.

The worst part in their case is it wasn't something they expected. They didn't know ahead like we did what the chances were. Their baby was stillborn. How do you expect a kid to go to class, where's he's probably been talking and getting excited about the baby, to act like it never happened? That would be like a child losing a mother/father and expecting them not to talk about that parent anymore... That's just not going to happen nor should it. Keeping the silence time is over. People need to realize whether it makes you uncomfortable or not we will talk about out babies if we so desire. It is our right as their parent/family to do so.  We may not have had a lot of time with out baby but they still impacted our lives.

Photo controversy article.

Bugs is 7!

Holy moly crazy, Bugs is 7! That’s so crazy to think. I mean it doesn’t feel like just yesterday that she was a baby, yes I remember it but it’s wasn’t just yesterday. We’ve been through so much in the last 7 years. The fun joys of infancy, moving to an apartment, then moving again and Robert coming with us. Then we moved to Daddy’s house, got a few more animals, became a big sister, learned firsthand about loss and now becoming a big sister again. She’s grown up so much it’s sometimes hard to believe she’s 7. Though we’ve come to the attitude stage (yes worse than the 2s ha), you’d swear she was a teen already, I don’t know what I’d do without her. I love seeing her grow up and learn about life and grow into her own little-miss-self. Though somedays can be stressful, I’m so happy and blessed she calls me Mom.
She’s had a fun birthday day and it’s only going to continue this week.
Woke her up singing Happy Birthday and she just laughed! I made some treats for her to take to school…well I made two. It was a disaster! [Key info, two kids in her class have peanut allergies] I thought I was doing really good, got white cake and was going to make apple cupcakes with homemade frosting (butter, brown sugar and powdered sugar) thinking that would be great, no peanuts right? Not! I wasn’t really thinking and before I made the cupcakes I made peanut butter cookies and used the same bowl (washed it with hot water and soap but not through the dish washer) so scratch that batch to be safe. Then I decided I would make the cereal chocolate mix I made for her party a few years ago…again no peanuts right? Just Corn Chex, Lucky Charms, white chocolate and sprinkles…yeah got everything ready then read on the chocolate bag and it says “may contain peanuts”, what the heck! So I decided scratch the chocolate and use marshmallows, like rice crispies…what a sticky mess that was. Well out of time so we’ll just go with it. Then I picked up Bugs at school….those kids don’t eat the snacks anyways! Grrrr. I mean I understand better safe than sorry…but still grrrr it was very stressful for me, I tried really hard so they wouldn’t feel left out of the fun. So Bugs and I decided that from now on we’ll bring like fruit snacks and juice boxes. After dance class we made salad, spaghetti & breadsticks, Bugs choice, and she got to open “all” of her presents. She’s gotten a few here and there this past week but she was really excited to now get to open all of them ha. Silly girl.
Then tomorrow it’s up to Auntie Angee’s then to Papa’s for lots of food and you know more presents ;) .

Drive-in Theater & Halloween

Wow it’s been a while since I’ve kept up with this… oops. Guess things just got away from me.
I’m kind of sad to see summer/fall go away. Yes right now the weather is still wonderful out I know we live in MN and that may not be the case in a few days ha. The snow could come whenever it decides.
We have enjoyed the weather these last few weekends though. Two weekends ago we took a trip up to Chetek WI. We had different plans for the weekend but with a few changes we ended up deciding to go for a Sunday drive (on Saturday) to Stardust for Bugs and Barry’s first drive-in movie experience. [ps. totally recommend the trip up if you have the time. From our place it was about 3 hrs but it's so much fun!] We had so much fun driving up, Bugs had no idea where we were going – early birthday surprise ha. We decided to bring Mable along with us. Thought it would be a good trip to help get her used to the car, don’t need another Robert who stands and cowards the whole drive  . She did great. Sat nicely, hardly cried and no accidents. Not to mention she slept through both movies ha. Bugs had so much fun going up there. Was even more excited when the movie started and she found out we were watching Hotel Transylvania 2, which she was Mavis for Halloween. We also saw Pan but she fell asleep pretty early in that one ;) . It was such a great way to spend a leisure Saturday. There’s been so much going on lately we all needed a relaxed fun day.



Then there was last weekend, of course Halloween! Bugs was so excited. We found her costume at Walmart for like $15 and I was happy about that ha. Just a black dress and some black and red leggings = Mavis! She looked so cute. She had glow in the dark fangs and did her makeup. I love Halloween with Bugs. She’s never been one that major needs candy. As long as she gets some goodies in her basket/bucket she’s happy. I think on average we hit like 15 houses and then she’s good. This year we decided to go to her school first for hotdogs, cookies and milk then she decided she just wanted to go to some of the houses there then go home, fine with us. Went up and down a few blocks, stopped by Crunchy’s of course and then headed home to watch a movie and have some popcorn. Love our Halloweens. The only thing we didn’t get done was our pumpkins…oh well now they can hang out as decoration for Thanksgiving, if they last that long.

Lounge Around

I love weekends like this, especially when there’s an extra day added on. This weekend we did a whole lot of nothing, which was great. Just lounged around, watched movies/shows. Daddy made Bugs a fort and we just enjoyed each other’s company. We had sleepovers in the living room every night, stayed up till late and then slept in. It was a good way to finish off the “summer” before school starts tomorrow. Even more so after the buys weekend we had last weekend /Bugs’ week of travel. Wednesday of the week before she went to my Grandparents to go to the Chanhassen to see Mary Poppins, then with Auntie Hannah to the MN Zoo and spent a few days with her and Grandma Tina. Then we picked her up, spent the weekend roaming around – went to the Como Zoo and MOA. Then it was off to GG’s house for a few days before coming home to go meet her teacher and bring her supplies to school. Busy, busy, busy. Though all of that was fun, we didn’t want to do a darn thing this weekend ha. Though I’m a mover, I really enjoy our relax time that we just hangout together. We don’t have plans, nowhere to go, just be here with each other.

fun at the party

I want to start by thanking everyone that was able to make it to our little get together on Saturday. I was a lot of fun. I’m hoping that as we continue to fix up the back yard that we’ll have more and more parties. Though winter is right around the corner (YUCK), next summer I hope we have a few get togethers with friends and family. I have decided that no matter what the party is for we are also going to have a piñata ha. The kids were so funny trying to break it. Apparently the piñata company thinks smashing things with a bat is too violent that they now come equipped with strings that you pull and one is supposed to release the hatch and let the candy out. This didn’t work for us, might have had something to do with the fact that we let the kids beat the crap out of it first ha.
Now with the party done it’s time to decide if we’re going to go to the State Fair or the lake and then get school shopping in. Bugs starts on the 8th and we haven’t started shopping. Not to mention going through her clothes which I’m not really looking forward to, so many and I’m sure 75% don’t fit. Think that will be my plan this week while Bugs is with Grandpa and Hannah. She gets to see Mary Poppins at the Chanhassen Dinner Theatre tomorrow, very excited.
Getting excited to see what is in the future for us.

Enjoying the little things

This last month has been crazy yet amazing. I've been crazy exhausted yet enjoying all the planned and unplanned fun we've been having. Very happy that the unplanned has started to happen more. We used to do it all the time, just taking "Sunday Drives" and such...but a lot of times lately we just get stuck in the motions of life and forget to have fun. Either we get to much going on that it becomes stressful or we’re too exhausted from the week that by the time the weekend comes were just out of it. Nothing sounds good other than sitting around and being extra lazy…which isn’t always bad.
Early July was an eye opener. All we had planned that weekend was Jenna & Chris’ wedding and then staying the night at Angee’s house. We originally had planned to just spend the night then head home to have time to do things around the house or such…but we got distracted. We ended up pit stopping at MOA. Barry needed Cinnabon and Bugs wanted to go to the American Girl store then it just grew from there. We went to Build A Bear, Lego store, got lunch, saw Steve Wiebe play Donkey Kong, played legos and Bugs got her face painted. It was so fun. Just a leisure day at MOA just hanging out. Then on Sunday Bugs and I decided that since it was such a beautiful day out that we would go to the pool. It was such a good idea :). It was warm but not too hot and the pool wasn’t packed. We packed a lunch and were off. We spent all day there. Was just a simple fun afternoon, mommy & Bugs.
The next weekend we had a few more plans, but we're finding time to fit in some simple fun. Bugs and I went to the St. Mane Theatre to see Mary Poppins. Just a last minute splurge thing but was so fun! We didn’t have dinner before we went so during intermission we ran over to Gil B’s and split a sandwich, was so much fun and Bugs thought it was so cool. After the show we were still a little hungry so we put in an order for chips and dip to go, picked it up on our way home and then watched part of a movie and snuggled when we got home. Then Saturday she had a birthday party at the park down the street, though there wasn’t much time for extra stuff, we took the extra little time to chat and walk to the park instead of driving. Not that it really seems like a lot but it’s the little things that count. We also fit in a family reunion that weekend.
The next weekend we were heading to Lutsen for Sophia & Kevin's wedding. We left Friday and headed to Dads cabin, a little midway stop and Bugs was spending the weekend playing in the lake. Then we got up early and headed for the wedding. It was such a beautiful service and party. Extra excitement after all the celebrating...had a fire and a fire guy (proper term not sure ha) but he swung fire around, it was amazing. We spent the night in Grand Marais. We had planned to spend the night, get up early and head home...but plans change. We decided to walk around Grand Marais a bit. Walked out to the light house then went for breakfast. Was really nice to just have some us time. Then we also stopped at a few other spots along the way and it was wonderful.
Then last weekend was Buffalo Bill Days, if you don't know what that is it's Lanesboro's city days and it's always fun. This year we took it light but it was still fun. Friday Jaime, Dwayne and I went out around town. Saturday we got up, had a filling breakfast then went tubing. Tubing is always the best part. After was cleanup then back to town to check out who was in town and fireworks. Sunday we were going to go to the parade but it was really hot. So we picked Bugs up, went back and grabbed Winnie, got her hair cut and decided to stop by the Rochester Fair while we were waiting. Little time spent together, I'm enjoying it.

At first when we lost Trysten it was a little hard to see the little things, to be interested and exited for things. Now as time goes on I’m finding myself again and remembering memories doesn’t have to be extreme, it’s the small things you really remember. Finding time to just be together and enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes it’s hard to think of the time we could have had with him…but we’re taking it slow. Knowing that it’s still a joy just to think about him but also know that we’ll see him again someday. I'm really trying to slow life down and enjoy things every day. Like a sleepovers on the couch with Bugs, as we are tonight. :)

PS. Pictures from our trips to come.

4th of July at the Cabin

Sometimes when you're getting the car backed up and ready to go to the lake you get that feeling of wanting to just stay home. Feel like is it all worth the packing for a few days...last weekend it totally was!
We had so much fun 4th of July weekend. We went up to Dad's cabin and had so much fun. Bugs was so excited to get there, she loves the lake. Then we got there and she found out there was a jet ski and she was in heaven. She didn't want to get off at all :) We had a relaxed weekend hanging out with family and spending time on the lake. Bugs was so brave, made me so proud. She just jumped in the lake and played. We asked one of the guys in the area if we could barrow his inner-tube. I thought she was going to be nervous about getting on it but nope...she begged me to go on with her :) I was so proud. Barry hauled us around with the jet ski and she thought it was amazing. One of our favorite places to go... the lake :)

Red Rock - Home

I always hate the first week home from camp. It’s the worst, going into a restaurant and thinking I see someone from camp to remember I'm home Ha. Camp though this year was odd in itself. A little empty without the Tabernacle. Just a big open space without the staple of our camp time. It will be exciting though to see the new one up and in action. The most odd part was there were like no pictures taken...I mean we all took a few but we didn't take group photos like we usually do. There were no photos taken at the end of the week... The only picture I got was with Bugs. This may not see different to someone who has never been at camp. For those of us that have been for years though, it's a complete 180. Usually it’s like picture central the last night/day. Maybe it’s because many of us know we'll be together again next week...I'm not sure.
Otherwise camp was a blast. Bugs and I slept in, worshiped, played and enjoyed our time together and with friends. This included late nights of Spoons and Werewolves - I mean Tickle Monster. Bugs even went out in the lake, well we both did. She got her life jacket on and we SWAM out past the long weeds out to the rafts. She was a little nervous at first, it was quite a big step for her. Then she jumped off the raft the first time and loved it. We stayed out there for at least a half hour if not longer. I'm so proud of her. It's amazing to see how much she grows each year at camp. Bugs’ favorite part of camp though was getting to see her “cousin” Bella Rue. It was so cute to hear her name Bella her cousin and to love holding and taking care of her. Pretty sure every hour Bella wasn’t with us she was asking “Where’s my cousin? Is she coming to our room later/going to be where we are?” Shane and I have always been close and now adding Bobbie and Bella in, I couldn’t be happier. I’m so glad to have them in our lives and see our kids grow up together.

Coming home I felt refreshed. Okay my body did not, it's a lot of walking if you didn't know and then treading water in the lake for .5hr+ is a lot, ha. But my mind and heart were. A calming relief feeling. It feels good to be at peace and to be excited to see what the future hold for all of us.
Thank you Red Rock! Thank you God!



Oh can't forget the super cute, new born baby birds that were nested right outside Lakeview door!

Red Rock - Healing

Where to start...honestly. I want to say so much yet don't know where to start or how to say it. I'm so exhausted yet a bit revived.  There was a lot of searching and praying today. The sermon tonight was on healing.  Healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I would fall into the category of emotionally and spiritually. I have found myself battling with anger, regret, fear and the questions of loss. Angry that our prayers were not answered the way that we wanted, angry that our doctors were not helpful in the beginning. Regret that we didn't do more right away. That I wasn't bolder and just tried to be "strong". Fear that it could happen again...if we were able to get pregnant again. I also fall under the spiritual question of loss. Why were we chosen for this. All we wanted was out beautiful baby boy to take home and wrap him in our arms. The questions of what our future holds and what the big picture is. I know there's a big picture I just wish I knew what it was right now.
I did get a chance to talk with a lovely lady that has gone threw a similar situation a few years back. Like we both said it was a group we didn't ask to join, we were chosen. It was nice to talk to someone who understands the struggles and fears that come with the loss of your child. Its a different kind of loss/grief. The loss of a family member is generally a habit of life. You live your life,get old and move on to the next part of your journey. But losing a child before they even had a chance to live their life is something completelly different. There are so many residual effects that come with it. There's a stigma that we are self contained and don't want to talk about what happened.
I feel like a lot is happening/going to happen and I just need to brace myself for the ride and remind myself to stop, enjoy it, have patience and not worry about whats ahead. It is what it is and it will come in its time.

Red Rock '15 - Getting Ready

Red Rock Camp is here… actually it started yesterday. I’m very excited and yet a little apprehensive to go. Now I’m super excited, am every year. I have been going since I was in like the 6th grade – that makes it like 15 years. The people there have become my extended family and love them to pieces. Now the apprehensive part comes from Trysten…of course. With Bugs she has spent her whole life there, literally. I was 4 months pregnant with her the first time she was there ;) and now it’s been 7yrs. Trysten wasn’t able to be there at all. I didn’t get pregnant till July and then born in February. We are only able to take him in thought.
I would like to say the strength is there that it’s not going to “effect” my week. But I know that’s not going to be the case and honestly nor would I want it to. This week I want to take the time, be over flowed in my faith and remember Trysten in his beauty and joy. Remember him all week. For those of you that will be there with me I apologize in advanced that I’ll probably be a sobbing mess a lot of the time. Not in sadness, so don’t worry, but in joy and remembrance. Basking in the gifts and love that Red Rock has given me throughout the years and the gift that God gave me by blessing our family with Trysten. I cant wait to see what God has in store for this week 😀.

Out of Order Today

“How are you?” …such an easily thrown out there and used question. Sometimes you want to ask do you want the cordial answer or the real answer?
The answer that some days it’s a struggle to not burst into tears? That though time has passed it still feels like it happened this morning. That no I may not want to talk to you but it’s not because you did anything but because I’m holding back tears or might just scream. That I really don’t care what you have going on that you think is a major deal right now because I’m still dealing with the fact my son is not here. I don’t get to kiss his face or hold him tight. That everything I see, hear or thought I have today is a slap in the face reminder. That I might get easily frustrated with little things because I struggle that it’s not as easy to shake off sometimes as I would like. That I know I have to continue on with my day and life but sometimes I just want to call in sick to everything. Sorry I’m out-of-order today. That emotions literally feel like gut rot and nothing will fix it. The worst part knowing that this struggle is never going to go away…it’s always going to be there. Though it may ease a little and some days will be really great…it will also still sometimes find its way back to the surface and leave me feeling broken.
It’s not my “problem” it’s my emotion. It’s not something that can be cured but something that is lived with. I don’t mean to be frustrated but I also didn’t request this struggle. It’s a life changing event and sometimes life doesn’t agree with continuing on after it.

Loving Me...

I'm not sure what flipped the switch....but it happened and I'm good with that :).  I honestly and genially am happy with myself.  Now that may sound dumb...and I don't say it being conceded or anything like I'm perfect. There are still things like everyone else that I would change....wish my butt was a little bigger, my legs and belly toned, my face would quit breaking out, had a little more energy and not so procrastinating....yada yada. But right now none of that seems to matter.  I look in the mirror and Im just happy.  Glad to be me. I'm not sure what made this change. Was it the change in my hair color because I love it so much...was it just a growth thing, learning to love myself and enjoy who I am..?  Maybe the increase in social activities/plans...  Maybe its the summer air.  I don't know but it's good :)

Bugs' Greif Growth

I always knew, since I started thinking about having kids when I was younger, that I wanted my kids to have years in-between. I had said I wanted 5 years. Partial for the first born to be old enough to have fun being the older sibling, close enough though that they would still have fun together when they got older and also for me, that I wouldn’t feel like I was paying attention to one more than the other. So when I had the second the first would be in school so I would have that time to extra dote on the second and then be able to give more attention to the first when they got home from school. Yeah that probably sounds a little bit/way too planned for something like this but that was my idea. I was lucky that God had the same plan for me...I thought at first…but he had something a little different planned out. I was still blessed with babies aged apart how “I” had planned but his reasoning was not the same. Where I thought I would have time to dote on each in their time he knew that I needed my Princess to be a little older when we met Trysten. That Bugs being the age she is was going to give her the chance to meet, know and remember (which is key for me) her brother. That though it was going to be a struggle for all of us, including her, it would be a joy for all of us to do it together. As much as it pains me when it is happening I feel blessed and blessed for Bugs that she has been able to experience a love so strong that she still remembers and will stay with her all her life.
We have been experiencing the struggles for her a little more now than before, which is not a bad thing. As we have been doing more things with Angee’s boyfriend’s daughter (whom we will call Puppy  ) Bugs is seeing all the things that she’ll miss with Trysten. She is such a big sister to Puppy (which is amazing!) but it does hit her every now and then what a sister does with a sibling. Last weekend all of us were at Moms and we had a blast, but there were a few times that we (Bugs & I) had to take a moment and reflect. I feel blessed that she is old enough to understand and to learn that it is okay to just feel sad and cry sometimes. That we are close enough that we can just cry together and she knows that even though something sad happened to us and we won’t ever forget it we can also remember the joy it brought us. The thing that brings me the most joy is that she feels comfortable enough to talk about Trysten and what happened. That even when she draws family photos she includes Trysten, with us and in heaven. Though we had something dear to us taken away…I still feel so blessed.

Emotional Ride

I have found myself falling into a deeper rut then I think I felt when we first lost Trysten. The struggle of still trying to figure things out, understand the magnitude of losing him and finding ways to still be involved in life. I’ve been hitting the emotional wall a lot lately. That sense that you have to stop what you are doing, throw your hands up, cover your face and just try and breath. The feeling of “what am I even doing right now? I know I’m doing something because I’m moving or sitting at my desk working…but I’m honestly not sure what I’m physically doing.” Just going through the motions unknowingly blindly. I also seem to be more apt to emotional melt downs, and the reasoning’s/emotions behind them all vary. Like Saturday for example I was getting ready for our friend’s wedding and feeling honestly pretty cute  my makeup fell into place just right, I put my extensions in and curled my hair. I was feeling good about myself……………..until I went to find something to wear. Meltdown alert!!! I already know Trysten stretched my stomach out pretty good, and especially pretty low so I still can’t wear my normal pants…but dresses? Come on! Give a girl a break! All of them I was putting on were too tight and ill-fitting. There was nothing I could do but cry. I tried to hold it back seriously telling myself you’re going to have to do your makeup all over again and there is no time…but that lasted like 2 minutes and I just let it go. Just get it out and over with. Meltdown 2 that day was during the wedding. Now this meltdown was a I feel horrible and sad, it was a happy one. The guy was going through his thing talking about the joys and trials of life and going through them together and I couldn’t stop thinking about Trysten, and how amazing Barry was and has been for me through this. Those were good emotions but I didn’t want to be the crazy lady crying hysterically at the wedding, it’s not like it was Jaime getting married or something. Then Kevin had to have this amazing best man speech, which me in my emotional state I was, just sent me over ha.
One of the ladies in our MCDK Angels group posted an article today, What I Wish More People Understood About Losing A Child. I feel like this article pretty much nailed it. This lady went to a support group and the leader started it off with saying “…that dues to belong to the club are more than anyone would ever want to pay.”, he couldn’t be more right. We didn’t ask for this, it’s something that God decided was in his plan for us. It’s something we have to work through and become stronger from. We can’t change that, we can only grow. In the article she shares 5 tips to help support grieving parents. I think she did a great job with picking these. Very straight forward. I like that she put in there, and as number 1, remember our children. For me when talking about kids and such I love talking about Trysten as though he isn’t gone. No I’m not delusional and talk like oh he had this much to eat today, but he was here and I still had a connection with him. He spent 35 weeks in my belly, I got to spend some amazing time with him before he passed. He had his own personality and ways about doing things. I feel honored that I got at least that time with him and love being able to talk about it. Like how much he kept to a routine. Though he was in my belly I could tell what time it was by what he was doing and how he was making me feel. . I also like to remember him for Bugs, and am so happy she loves to remember him. I love the pictures she makes and when she’s explaining what’s going on you’ll get the “this is mom, this is dad, this is Robert and he’s playing with Evan…I’m holding Trysten on the swing…”, or something like that. It melts my heart. I’m really glad she was able to go to the Healing Camp provided by Mayo the other weekend (pictures and such on that to come, as I’ve been pretty spacy I haven’t gotten around to taking pictures of all the amazing things they did.).
On a final/exciting note I was so happy to see Ellie and Jared have their baby, Calvin. So yes I know that they don’t know me or such as this, we are not besties or anything. But when you follow someone on YouTube, it’s like your favorite show on TV, you become invested. You hear what they’re going through, the struggles, the joys. Now yes I will admit I didn’t fallow them from the start, Jaime told me about them a little while back but I like binge watched all of them ha. I was right there bawling with her when she found out she was pregnant the second time (remembering how excited I was), the call from the doc saying they would probably miscarry and all that jazz. But like 3 days ago a beautiful baby boy was born! I bawled and bawled watching the video. I cried with joy remembering Trysten’s birth, I cried that he was gone and I cried in joy for them. That though they were told he probably wouldn’t make it, they are now holding a beautiful baby.

makes me angry how I feel inside

Grief is a tortuous thing. Your brain tells you one thing, you know is true, but your heart screams another. I know truly I am so happy for all these people who are announcing they are expecting. It’s an amazing time not only for them but their families. And I am excited to see these babies and hold the ones close to me…that doesn’t change my grief though. It makes me want to scream because these people are having what I want. No this is not a green feeling like the grass is greener in someone else’s lawn or jealous of something someone purchased like a house…it’s the continued ache my heart and empty arms feel.
Now this may sound harsh…and I know these feelings will eventually pass. But this morning was quite hard for me. I had a meltdown in the shower I was so consumed. I love these people and am excited for them (they’re the only ones I get to be an “aunt” with so far) but at the same time they’re getting what I want. Sliding through Facebook this morning and seeing their announcement just hit me like a boulder to the chest. I think it hit harder than others because they are close with us. It’s not like I will just be able to ignore the fact of a growing belly, we’re family, we see each other.
Right now it’s just a fierce weight I’m trying to shake off. Counting down the days even more now till Red Rock! Need some immersive reflection time at the lake with people I’ve grown up worshiping with! Till then it's my Spotify playlist on repeat.

Mother's Day

I'm so proud to be a mother. It's something I have always wanted to be and I was blessed with beautify amazing babies.


I'm also blessed to have my mother. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant with Bugs. I knew my situation wasn't the most ideal but she was right there with me and just as excited. When others had their doubts that about me having Bugs unmarried at 19, my mom stood by me, supported me and was there to enjoy every part of it with me. She even took me to the hospital, stayed with me and was there to welcome Bugs into the world with me. She was also there for us with Trysten. Got up in the middle of the night, sped to the hospital and was there to document our miracle so everyone could see as much of Trysten as possible. She's pretty great :) *** and yes I'm the favorite ;p


So a month or so ago I started a group on Facebook – MCDK Angels – and I'm so glad I did. Such a strong group of loving women (and a couple men but they haven’t commented at all). I started because I wanted to meet people that were going through the struggles I was. I was part of two MCDK groups that were nice but not what I was looking for. All of the people that were doing any commenting in those groups were people who had questions or comments about their kids living with MCDK. It gave me peace and yet felt like a knife to the eye at the same time. Peace that my son wasn't in that struggle, wasn't dealing with anymore kidney trouble or pain but a knife to the eye that I wasn't able to hold and comfort him anymore. That I won’t get those milestones with him. It just is. With this group though I’ve been able to meet people who are going through the same things I am. The seesaw of emotions. Loving kids but also wanting to burst into tears. We all just have this connection and can be there to empathizes and support one another. Some days are good and some days are not so much but we are able to come together and help each other get through it. Share pictures of our babies and stuggles that may be weighing us down. I think of them daily but they were especially in my heart yesterday on Mother’s Day. The reminders can sting a little bit.
I hope everyone had a joy filled Mother’s Day and was able to smile!

Seeing Babies

Babies are such an amazing thing. If you have one of your own or not you can’t deny how miraculous they are. I have loved being around babies since I was very young. To be honest the reason I went to church when I was younger was to work in the nursery with all the babies  I don’t even mind fussing babies. If I’m holding someone else’s baby and they start fussing and they’re like “you want me to take them?” Nope I’m good. I just marvel in them. This little thing came out of someone and changed everyone’s world for the better and they have no idea. They’re just there soaking in the love and attention.
One thing I thought and was honestly a little worried about when we lost Trysten was that I wasn’t going to be able to look at someone else’s baby the way I always have before. That thought when you’re lying in the hospital bed crying over your child, that every time you see another baby you’re just going to have a meltdown. Yes it is hard. Hard to see other Moms loving their babies and making them smile. Hard to see a mom get frustrated with their child and you want to go up to them and say hey just remember though they frustrate you now…think if they weren’t there anymore –and I know I’m not the only one that has these feelings. Though that part is hard I’m glad my love/draw to babies hasn’t gone away. Yes there are different thoughts that go through my head now than before but I still admire babies that go by and get excited to see them.
I was very lucky Sunday to get to meet little Aaliyah – was so amazing. She was so small and precious. She was only 4 days old  . I couldn’t put her down! Literally ha we had lunch at Applebee’s and I just held her the whole time. Enjoyed that weight and feeling in my arms again. It was so cute to see Bugs with her too. She held Aaliyah a few times, was adorable. We laughed when she said she was heavy but for a six year old I suppose 3lb is a bit of weight, since Trysten was 4+ and Aaliyah was 7+. Really just enjoyed the afternoon with Desi and getting to meet her new little bundle. Still trying to convince her to move down ;) ha.
This whole thing though has really opened my eyes to the things that are worth stressing over. The things that I used to get frustrated over just don’t seem to matter at all anymore. Just a lot more settled and oddly happy.

garage sale, shopping and meat raffle

Felt good to get away and have some fun. Friday we went up and stayed at Angee's for the weekend. It was jam packed with funness ;) Saturday Tim and his daughter (Bunny) came over and we headed off to the State Fair Education Building for a big kids "garage sale". They had so much stuff there it was crazy. I had never gone before so I wasn't sure what to expect but it was a lot of fun. Told Bugs she had $20 she could pick out whatever she wanted and away we went table to table, rack to rack. We found a few good deals. She got a new pair of needed shoes. [she came home one day from school with her gym shoes on....yeah there was a giant hole in the big toe of BOTH shoes. when I asked how long they had been like that she was like "I don't know.." kids ha] I found an awesome Lite-Brite! It wasn't the classic ones we had as kids but a portable one, even better. It was only $3 and the only thing it didn't have was the papers...lucky you can just print those online. I am still super excited about it ha. Bugs loves it too. She was also excited she found one of those "living monkey" toys. The thing moves, eats, farts and snores. I also got a bunch of stuff for my friends little girl whom will hopefully make her entrance soon :) and by soon I mean this week so when we go back to the cities we can see her. I also ran into an old friend which is always fun. Haven't seen her other than chats and photos on Facebook for a few years.
I wasn't sure going into the sale how seeing all the baby stuff would go but it was ok. I kept looking at the stuff wanting to buy it but had to remember at this time we don't have a use for it. It did help a bit being able to shop for someone else. I found her this super cute summer dress set. Kind of satisfies that urge to buy baby things. I'm pretty sure one of the ladys at the sale thought I was a crazy creeper...she was carrying her little baby girl who looked about Trysten's age (2mo). Couldn't help myself but to just stare and admire. She was so cute.
After that we all went to the Mall of America and the girls filled a Build-a-Bear :) Bugs made a Toothless and Bunny made a My Little Pony, they had so much fun. All six of us also got glittery tattoos l, ooo. :) Then it was off to the meat raffle to meet up with Dad, Kelly and Cam. Barry and I won some bacon and Tim & Ang got some pork chops mmm. So much fun. Then we went back to the house and had a giant fire. You know it's big when you're using the play area sand box for your fire instead of the fire pit. Sunday after we finally got up and going went to the theater and saw Home, very cute movie. The whole weekend was so much fun. Nice to get away, relax and have some fun. Which with the weather getting nicer I'm getting more and more excited to go to the lake. Good family hangout time.

Celebration of Life

Saturday night we had our Celebration of Life for Trysten, it was wonderful! A roller of emotion but it was great to get together and visit with everyone. I’m so thankful for all of the love and support from everyone. I’ve honestly been overwhelmed with joy at the thought of it. I knew before that we had a lot of friends and family…but when you go through something like we are you realize just how much more everyone means to you and you to them. And to know that people are willing to take time out of their lives and even more so drive a distance to celebrate a life, some didn’t get a chance to hold but came in support of us, is amazing! I honestly know I wouldn’t be getting through this if wasn’t for everyone around me and the joy they have brought with them. What’s even more amazing is the thought that not everyone was able to make it that day but has more than reached out and shared their love and support with us. It means the world to me.



The celebration was great. There were balloons, pictures, food, friends and family. I was so honored and thankful my Grandpa Lidke was able to do a little service for Trysten. I know I am bias in that I love hearing my Grandpa speak/preach, you know I’ve only been doing it all my life ;) , but having him be able to speak in honor of Trysten was just that much more meaningful. In a perfect world I would have gotten my way and he would have been able to make it to the hospital and baptize Trysten there, but he decided to make his entrance early while they were still in Florida. Having him say a few words there with everyone around was even better though. I got to share him and his way with the word with everyone. I feel so blessed that we were able to share that time with everyone.
After everyone was stuffed with food and had fun chatting we went out to let some balloons go in honor. I originally wanted to let Chinese Lanterns go but apparently in MN that’s not allowed :( so we got balloons instead. We had a mix of tie-dye and light up balloons. Since it was getting late and not really dark we chose to let some go with everyone there and then when it got dark Barry, Bugs, Jaime, D’wayne, Wyatt and I let a few of the light up ones go. They looked so awesome in the dark. Bugs loved the whole thing!
I’m so thankful to be able to have had the Celebration of Life, for all the people that helped us pull it together, for all the people who were able to make it and those who were there in thought.



Isaiah 45:11-12 “This is what the Lord says – the Holy One of Israel, and its maker: Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands? It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it. My own hands stretched out the heavens; I marshaled their starry hosts. …”

Teamotions

So the other day I got my Teamotions package in the mail. YAY! I was so excited…and still am. I absolutely love it. First of the packaging was so cute. This little box with a bow on it. It also came with a hand written note that meant so much to me. She had read my blog and knew my sons name. You can’t get much better than that when looking at investing your time and money into someone’s company. Everything was tucked neatly and tightly in the box. I had to try it right when I opened it. Washed my cup, heated my water and let the tea set. It smelled great as soon as I put the water in. I’m so glad I got the gift package. The set is amazing. It’s so easy and brews wonderfully. The cap keeps the water from getting cold while the tea brews. Even though I want to also get the to go mug, for now I'm happy the brew cup fits on a regular mug that I can brew before I go. It was delicious first sip to last. I am so glad that I got it. It really lifted my spirits and tasted great. I am so excited to order some more flavors. I completely recommend this tea to anyone who loves tea, especially if you need a little spiritual lift. :)

Baby mail

So I think I've handled myself decently well as far as the residual emails and such relating to my pregnancy and “having a baby”. But getting mail really bugs me. I didn’t sign up for it so why is it coming to me. I don’t know if it’s something that is triggered from the hospital. “Hey there was a delivery, send them information about their baby, products they might be interested and such”. Gee thanks. If that’s going to be the case there needs to be a big red button that says halt do not send to this family…they are left with empty arms and do not need a reminder like mail giving information about things they cannot use. Thank you for the thought but it is not helpful.

anxiety feels...

I don’t mean the “I’m running late for work” anxiety, I’m talking about the kind that overcomes you. The kind that won’t just shake off. Simply…it hurts. You could be going along with your day, feeling just fine and then it just creeps up on you and hits like a sledgehammer. I didn’t even see it coming yesterday. Woke up feeling, honestly…., pretty great. Sent Bugs off to school, sent Barry to work and got ready for my day. Had big plans for the day . First stop Jaime, Target, Macy’s, eye doctor, Ashley, maybe get some tea then back home. Nowhere in that the bright sun shined filled horizon (literally it was beautiful out yesterday) did I see getting hit by the anxiety bomb. I wasn’t worried about anything in particular, I didn’t feel like crying, I was honestly feeling good about where I was. Looking back there were things that went wrong but I wasn’t feeling anxious or even really upset about them. The anxiety just took a major life of its own yesterday. The devil really tried to get me. So yes there were some bumps yesterday, as you may know from Facebook. If you don’t here’s the quick replay.
Target – sent 200 photos from the kiosk through the 1hr photo, got there to pick them up and they told me they had no paper. Now yes there was a small sign on the kiosk that said no 5x7”…I didn’t order 5x7”s I ordered 5x5” and 3x5”s. apparently they don’t have all individual sized paper and must use all 5x7”s to print those out. Doesn’t make sense to me but that’s the impression I got.
Macy’s/Origins – had a coupon for a free sample, walked in no sample there. The Macy’s one apparently does not honor the Origins direct coupons, it has to be a Macy’s coupon. Not cool Macy’s.
Eye doctor – went in at 1:25 to see if I could get in early (my appointment was for 1:40). The lady at the desk said the doctor was actually running late and it would be more like 1:50. I told her I would just come back in a little bit. … Time pass, long enough for Macy’s to tell me they wouldn’t take my coupon. … I got back 1:50/55 latest, she told me I was late and the doctor had gone on lunch. WHAT!? Ok whatever I have to go back up Thursday, I will come then.
Then I went to see Ashley, talked way longer than she probably should have ;) no big was feeling good. We had some tea and even felt spontaneous and got Mom a new straightener.
Nowhere in that mix did I have a clue of what was coming. Started driving to pick up Bugs and it started to hit. Kind of like the feeling you get when you drink too much coffee or something. You get that kind of caffeine tingle I guess I would call it. Stomach starts to be pained like someone is squeezing or pushing on it hard. That pain that nothing seems to ease except putting pressure on it, I shove my elbow into it. Then the headache, chest/limb pain and exhaustion starts setting in. The kind that makes you feel like you can’t even make a simple decision, you just want to take some Tylenol and try and sleep it off. By the time I picked up Bugs I decided I wasn’t going to cook because I was probably going to wreck it or burn myself in the process so we went out. I had to try and be functional enough to get through dinner but keep to myself and not make my anxiety worse. It’s not fun for anyone if that happens, everyone just gets frustrated and mad. After Bugs went to bed I tried to “relax” and just watch a little TV. I just couldn’t shake the weight so I tried to go to bed. That never really works, unless you’re going to take something that knocks you out. Laying there you feel like your whole body is being shaken but your laying still. You close your eyes and they just roll around and you feel like you’re floating (not in the fun way) and can’t come down and settle. The only thing that semi helps luckily is when we snuggle in and Barry wraps his arms around me. It’s like an anchor that keeps me level. And though the feelings don’t go away instantly I can slowly feel them easing away. There’s usually still a wrestles night with short breaths ahead but at least the others things start to go away.
Most people don’t realize how debilitating anxiety really can be. I know I didn’t till it happened to me. I was always like “really just chill, everything will work out”. And yes I still believe that. Everything does work out for something in the end and usually things aren’t as bad as it feels when you’re feeling like your being suffocated. But this is also a different kind of anxiety than just the bills need to be paid. A kind that your head and heart could be just fine but the anxiety tries to take you over.

Weekend at Moms

Well got away for a bit this weekend...a little change of scenery.  Went out to Moms with Ang & the fam after having dinner with Barb & Jerry.  It was a fun weekend. Spent Friday night chatting, a lot of laughing and playing some terribly hard kids games ha. Well just the one, Headbanz, was hard. I was not good at it at all ha.  But it was fun none the less and that's what counts.  

Then Saturday was a lazy morning, then we decided to go to La Crosse. The girls (Mom, Ang and I) went in one car and the boys+Bugs (Barry, Dave and Bradey) went in the other ;) they went to Chuck E Cheese. We walked around La Crosse a bit. Stopped at a little tea shop and then did some pottery painting and then got some dinner.  We had the worst time trying to find somewhere to eat. We were unaware there was a Badgers game on...yeah every bar/resturant was packed. Finally we thought we got lucky. Coconut Joes opened at 7 and we were the first ones in! That high didn't last long...they don't sell food.  WTH.  No food at all!? So we went to the Mexican place across the street, got it to go and brought it back to Joes to have a drink ha.  We decided to do a shot and told the guy to come up with something good and funky - Zombie Brain.  Sounds like it would be harsh. Like mixing tequila and whiskey or something but it wasn't and was actually pretty good. The only thing that threw us was the cream (makes the brain look) it kinda stops ya when you're drinking it and makes you think you're supposed to chew it ha. We had a good time though.

  Then Sunday was lazy Sunday :)  Get up and have some breakfast and mosey on home.   It was a good change up. Get out for a bit and laugh. 

Thanks Dad!

I'm so happy and excited. My Dad got Trysten bracelets and window decals 😄. They turned out amazing. I'm so glad he thought of it.  

If you want one let me know.  Otherwise we will also have them at the celebration of life get together (thinking April 18th). 

Blog. Grief. Tea. Growth.

Today was a day of exploration…on the internet ha. So I started this blog to keep our family updated on the progress of Trysten and since he passed it’s now become an outlet to work through my thoughts and let others know they’re not alone in their struggle. With that I have immersed myself into learning more about blogging and other blogs referencing grief support. Something productive to work through my grief.
Today I have come across a few great websites. Some great and relating stories. One site being Faces Of Loss, doesn’t sound like a good site but it’s filled with stories from men and women who have also suffered a loss of a child. There is comfort that comes with sharing your story and knowing you’re not alone in your feelings & struggles. That there is a community of people working through understanding and living with the emotions like you. A blog post that says it well was “20 things that baby loss moms do that feel crazy but aren’t”. #1 hits it on the spot! You do clearly see the before and after. Your life changes in an instant, it’s not really something you can’t ignore or act like it didn’t happen. #2 makes me laugh, but it’s true. I’m sure we can all think of a few things on our list ;) We all understand it just comes with the struggle to figure out what to say, just doesn’t always come out as well. #3 is for sure. I’ve always checked Bugs breath, since she was a baby, but seem to check now a little more. Sometimes you do feel a little crazy, almost paranoid. Guess every large experience in your life brings on a few new behaviors.
Another site I stumbled upon and am pretty excited about. I came across a tea site. Now if you know me you know I love tea! This especially grew with my pregnancy with Trysten, drank tea even more . There’s nothing a good cup a tea can’t help with. So when I came across Teamotions it stuck my interest and emotion and I had to order some right away. Tea for the emotional well-being. It was breathed with life from the desire to comfort a hurting sister. I am so excited to try it. I ordered the Courage Tea, Plum Spice Rooibos, because even though people tell me how courageous I am…I don’t always feel that way.

Sleepless...

Guess tonight is one of those nights...sleepless.  I'm not sure which is better - try and lay here hoping my brain will shut off or get up and do something. There's this overwhelming anxiety hanging over me and I'm not sure what's all causing it. Maybe the thoughts of how fast a month has gone by already.  I've been in such a daze I really wasn't paying attention to the days so it's all kind of a blur as to where it went.  Or is it over thinking  about making plans this weekend...wanting to do something special Friday since that was Trystens "due date" and thinking about attempting to go out with friends..?  The later being the one hurdle I wish I could get over sooner rather than later. I have the desire to go out, I miss my friends. But thinking and actually doing it seems so daunting. It races my heart just writing it out.  I don't know the best way to solve it. Do I just need some more time or do I say "screw you body/brain you don't know nothin, I'm going out" and just kind of force myself.  I feel like I went to bed one night 26 and woke up 36. Like what I have observed as that lul-in between time. When you're not in your 20's fun nights out but you haven't hit that later 40's second wind. There's that lul period in your 30's you're like "I'm too tired from work and kids...going out with friends ha". Which of course isn't the case for everyone but from observations that's the feeling Im having. Like in want nothing more to stay home.  I don't need to go out and socialize... Hmm guess that'd be one of those red flags when you go see your doctor and they're like "have you had any mood changes lately"...guess it's a good thing I'm going to talk to someone about all this next week...

Putting My Suitcase Away

Today I finally cleaned out my suitcase, from the hospital. It’s only been sitting there for a month. It wasn’t that it was majorly packed or anything. Like it was going to be a long task to unpack it, I just didn’t want to. There was a sort of cloud over it. Feeling like if I unpacked that would be the last of our time. The end of the chapter. I’m not ready for that. I know that that’s really not the case. Trysten will live with us forever but it feels like if we really close that chapter than its saying goodbye to a little piece of him. Though there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and the joy he brought to all of our lives.

Wednesday Rerun

Honestly Wednesday's are just not my days. They are not good to me at all. Doesn't help that those days seem to be the days we have to go to the funeral home for things, but hopefully that is checked off the list. 

Waking up on Wednesdays though is like those movies where the people keep waking up on the same day over and over. Without noticing, cuz sometimes my days are all over the place, or consciously thinking about it my mind starts to replay every thing from the day our son was born (Wednesday morning). It's not that I want to forget because it is a beautiful memory and one that I cherish. But right now it's still hard to fully ejpnjoy the beauty without  the sadness that try's to drownd it. 

Yesterday we went and saw my doctor and chatted about how crazy that morning was. We filled her in on what all happened (family/friends wise) and how things were going since.  We laughed about how fast baby progressed and came out. :)   It was good to smile, even if it was just for a little while. 

So I am taking people's advice and sitting down to talk with a specialist.  I'm a little hesitant because I'm not sure how it's going to go, what I'm going to say...but maybe it'll help. Especially for my anxiety because for me right now that's what I struggle with the most. I seem to be able to at least fake it through the looking normal ("fake it till you make it" right?) but my anxiety is what over takes me. Though I'm able to do things every now and then, the anxiety is crippling and exhausts me. I guess we will find out the beginning of April.  

Remembering To Enjoy...

This getting back to "normal" life is still a work in progress.  I try/do it because for my family I have to. Bugs needs to know that just because something happened that we would have preferred not to doesn't change how life was or that it still goes on. So things like Wednesday night need to keep happening since Bugs is used to it, even though it sends my anxiety crazy.   I also don't want to hold Barry back/keep him from doing things because of my issues. I have come to the conclusion I need to find something else to help me get back to me.  

I have come to realize one thing I do struggle with is being Mom. Though I lost one I didn't lose both of my babies. I don't mean in the sense of wanting to ignore Bugs or something down that road...but more so feeling enjoyment again out of the little things. The energy/drive I had the first week home has since ran away. I dont know what happened. I had this energy and drive to do things around the house, play/read with Bugs but now it seems hard to pull myself together to even take her to the park. And I HATE that. Even trying to plan things as a family I feel myself getting lost halfway through and wanting to cry. Somehow I will just have to force my way through one step at a time. I will just have to make lists and force myself to try to finish things and see if that helps.  Simple things like doing a load of laundry or make some muffins. Things to keep reminding myself I'm still here and love and enjoy it.  

Starting with family night tonight :) Bugs and I snuggled and watch The Great Mouse Detective, helped Daddy a little outside and then all came in to snuggle for family slumber party in the living room. Which you of course can't have without some funny dog and cat fail videos.